Hi -it’s all really hard isn’t it?

[Lavenderlou]

Hi, I’m new so just wanted to say hello.
I’ve very recently split from my partner and am finding things really hard. I know it was the right thing to do and I don’t want to be in such a relationship, but coming to terms with it and trying to understand how and why I got myself into it is really hard. I miss him constantly but feel so hurt by him all at the same time. I want to hear from him but don’t want to be in contact with him…why is that?
After splitting with him he constantly text and rang me for weeks saying how much he loved me etc etc…I started to see him again as I felt it was hurting him too much and it seemed easier to just give in, but not for long as things were the same and in some ways worse. I let him know that I couldn’t carry on and since then he’s just disappeared. I’m lucky we have no ties to each other so a clear break is possible…I just feel so hurt and miss him (but as I say don’t want to be with him) I don’t understand why I feel this attachment or am I just pining for something that would never be real? I have all these memories of really hurtful upsetting things that I can’t make sense of – did he do all that on purpose and know what he was doing? Why didn’t I stop things sooner? Did he every really have any feelings for me over those years? It’s all really hard to understand and process. I also found a couple of emails sent within days of each other from 2 women trying to reconnect with him. He said he doesn’t understand why they would do that as they are both old flames who he hasn’t spoken to ‘for ages’. That’s hurt me more than anything – maybe my brain can process that more easily? I feel like asking them why they would try to contact him but is that wise?
Can I ask for advise on how you come to terms with something like this and how you move on. I’m on waiting lists for 1:1 support and counselling but I’m struggling to come to terms with things on my own just now.
Thank you for reading

[tryingtoswim]

Hiya

Welcome to the forum – you will get lots of support here from everyone on and well done for getting out of your relationship.
Have you done any reading? It is worth doing some research into the Stockholm Theory this explains why it is so hard to leave an abusive relationship and why you are experiencing those feelings.
Have you rung the helpline? They are brilliant and are always worth a call when things are swirling around in your head.
My advice to you would be to read as much as you can – even peoples posts on here will help as it allows your brain to process what you are going through
Take care and keep posting x

[Lavenderlou]

Thank you for your reply and the reading you have suggested.
I haven’t rung the helpline – I just feel like I don’t know what to say. I feel confused and so unsure of everything. I contacted my local support but am on their waiting list for help. Different emotions and memories keep washing over me and it feels overwhelming sometimes.
Thanks again for your reply x

[EeyoreNoMore]

Heya and welcome. I is hard but give yourself a massive at on the back for getting free. A book Infound invaluable was “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It really helped me see his behaviour for what it was.

Keep posting xx

[Lightness]

L

Your feelings are very normal following abuse. I would encourage you go no contact and educate yourself on the impact of abuse, PTSD and on abusers.

Things will start to make sense and you will heal

[strong soul]

Well done you for leaving. It’s not easy coping after abuse. You can live without him. Be strong and get all the help you can. Good luck x

[Author]

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