14th January 2022 at 9:59 pm #137122
I’m back… I was seeking for help a little bit over a year ago when I realised I’m being gashlighted on the daily basis. Unfortunately I deactivated my account, as I had another conversation with my husband and “we” decided to try one more time… I have tried to split with him so many times, bit I always ended up apologetic and scared.
I hope this is my last attempt to leave this toxic relationship. Not for me but for my daughter. She is being gashlighted as well, I can see that clearly.
I’m scared to ring the helpline as I have no idea what to expect.
Whole my life I was controlled, what O wear, where I go, what I do, couldn’t spend my own money without reasoning beforehand why do I need that money. I have only very very old clothes in my wardobe or working clothes.
I’m not allowed to buy something that he wouldn’t approve. Clothes have to be liked by him, he often punish me with silent treatment etc.
There is a lot more to add to it but i will leave for now.
14th January 2022 at 10:53 pm #137126Bestchance07Participant
The womens aid helpline is so supportive, as is the live chat. Picking up the phone is daunting but everything is the first time you do it. If you make the call, then you will find it opens the door to you being able to ask for help elsewhere. Wishing you all the best x
15th January 2022 at 4:26 pm #137161Twisted SisterParticipant
its rare I believe for a woman to leave at the first incident, so don’t be tough with yourself, you are doing it now and it can take a long time to see through the shock of incidents to what is really going on and that he won’t change. Its complex due to the level of maniupation and gaslighting.
Talk through everything you need to prepare safely, so you heighten your resolve and chances of safely succeeding. So long as he doesn’t know whats going on, and you can talk of future plans to put him off if he’s getting any whiff of your departure plans.
Talk, and plan and take all the support you can.
15th January 2022 at 10:54 pm #137184
Thank you both for the response, why is it so scary to ring help line? One moment I know that my life wasn’t good,and another time I explain to myself that I’m just overreacting and it can’t be that bad. This time I have kinda visible proof as he punished me for (detail removed by moderator). It’s too big to go down completely, but you can imagine what would happen if I didn’t see it straight away…
I am tempted to call and talk to someone but in my head I see that police could come to my house and that would be my fault… Maybe that’s silly thinking but I can’t help it.
One more time thank you for support and I home I’ll find more strength in myself and finally start living happy.
16th January 2022 at 1:33 am #137188Bestchance07Participant
Maybe try the live chat function on here. I am pretty sure its anonymous, nobody will turn upon your doorstep from that. Please please take that first step and make contact. It will feel hard, but a relief somewhat after x
16th January 2022 at 1:42 am #137189Twisted SisterParticipant
its not silly to ping-pong thinking this way. Its another symptom of abuse. Do keep reading on here and you will hear women that suffer abuse say this a lot. The abuser will try to make his behaviour normal to you, despite however very abnormal it is. He lies about it and denies it, says its all in your head, or doesn’t remember or its your fault, or you’re too sensitive, always an issue with you, never him. never him.
It leaves you wondering, is he right? Was I too quick to judge, or said the wrong thing, wound him up, I wasn’t in a good mood, maybe he’s getting fed up of that, or me, I must do better, maybe I remembered it wrong, its just me.
These are all the things that run through your heading in trying to make sense of abuse, and to live with abuse it becomes your normal, and then harder to see it as abnormal? Plus he helps with that by continually minimising it by saying its wasn’t that bad, you’re over dramatic/sensitive, stop going on about it it was nothing, and so on.
Whether he dismisses it or not, you know how things made you feel, and that is your truth to hold onto. He had made you fearful and untrusting of your own mind. That is how you feel as a result of abuse, his abuse.
I don’t know if that helps any, but you can leave without working all that out, just knowing inside you are so unhappy and scared is all you need to know, because if you feel this way, so will your chldren.
I can totally get that its scarey to call the helpline. Totally. Its not usual for us to ring strangers about deeply upsetting and personal things, especially that are so scarey and we’re unsure of, but all I can say is that domestic abuse is the thing they are trained to understand and know all about, so anything you say will be very familiar to them. Sadly so much of what you have experienced has also been experienced by other women so you are not alone, and there is understanding for it, and you can say as little or as much as you want, and if you want to hang up, you can, thats fine. Its not always safe for women to call so many times a call may be hung up. Noone will come to your door. Take your time and tell as little or much as you want and feel comfortable to, even ask that question, tell them you are worried about this and ask what information they take if any to reassure you.
16th January 2022 at 8:28 am #137194
Thank you so much ladies <3
This is so supportive and reassuring.
I was looking at him yesterday, and first time from the long time he was like real caring dad to our daughter. My heart is breaking, I know she loves him so much and he is hiving her the same roller-coaster like to me. She was so so happy yesterday having her loving dad for that day instead of the person who always shout and discipline her…
I think I use the chat to reach out for some sort of support.
I’m scared that when he will find that that I want to leave, he will become nasty.
He was violent twice towards me in all these years, but I’m conscious enough to know that this could happen again.
I hope it never will but can’t be sure about it.
Thank you for being here and give me all your words which I need so much.
16th January 2022 at 9:31 am #137200WaterspriteParticipant
Hi there it sounds like you and your daughter are being abused by him. It is coercive and controlling behaviour and against the law. Good spells and the caring dad routine don’t change that. They behave like that when they want to keep us hooked in. I think your fear of violence is rational he has been violent before and controlling men tend to get worse if they sense you have had enough. Don’t tell him anything. Mine escalated and in the end we fled for our lives. I waited so long thinking it would be better for my kids to stay that it was my fault that it could change – I was so wrong on every count! You have taken a massive step coming back to here and everyone understands leaving is hard. I think speak to women’s aid as they will help you safety plan an exit and support you. Honestly you and your daughter can get safe and free – imagine no more terror …. You are stronger than you know xx
16th January 2022 at 2:47 pm #137221
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