22nd May 2016 at 11:20 pm #17803
Not sure where to start here, I’ve been married nearly (removed by moderator) now and have two kids are (removed by moderator) . Ive just realised a couple of months ago ive been emotionally abused. Before it was just a few bad weeks then things were fine for months. However the past 1/2 year has been worse and worse. It’s escalated to hitting and shoving the kids although only been physically intimidating and threatening to me a couple of times, not actually hit me. The emotional abuse has been every day and I literally was dreading coming home. I rang the national helpline and ive read “power and control” and (oh my word, apart from the violence this book is us to a T)it has helped me to see what’s going on. Sometimes I think I’m dreaming it all if we have a tolerable few hours then I look at my diaries and realise how wrong it all is. Ive been thinking reading and talking to a friend the last few weeks trying to work out what to do. Plus seeing GP as got very depressed about it too. I’m not ready to leave and I decided I need to talk to him.
This is my question for now. While I didn’t use the word abuse I did mention a lot of things I feel are wrong and rather than denying, saying im over reacting or its all my fault, he said yes it was wrong and he’s not going to do it again. He’s said this before lots of times but this time seems more real. He is still refusing to do any counselling either together or individually but he’s really trying. There have been a few instances since our chat where he’s been horrible and he’s noticed and spontaneously apologised. This is un heard of behaviour usually!
But it’s really screwing with my mind. Ive coped the past few months by shutting off emotionally from him and trying to not care about the criticisms etc. now he’s being so nice loving and considerate.
Might it actually last????? I don’t know what to think. It’s what I wanted for him to stop the abuse, it is much reduced and the bits he still does he’s sorry about.
I’m too scared to trust it might last. But now I feel mean not being ultra loving and giving my all to the relationship but if I do it opens me up to so much more hurt again.
I don’t know what to do!
Has anyone else been in this situation?
Ive wondered about the freedom program or counselling but I don’t think I justify it now even though I have had months of horribleness because all of a sudden it’s ok.
23rd May 2016 at 12:09 am #17806Confused123Participant
Sadly they don’t change, call the help line and speak to them, log with gp, u need to get out, emotional abuse is just as bad as physical, I took it for (removed by moderator) years, we all have our final points, mine was he was going to start hitting kids and kill me, don’t think cause u took this long its ok, what his doing is wrong, it always is our fault according to them, go on the freedom course and read why does he do it by lundy bancroft
23rd May 2016 at 12:11 am #17807Confused123Participant
and they switch to mr nice to mr nasty to confuse us , make us think its not that bad, but it is, the one thing I never realized is the effect it has on kids , please look into getting out of the realtionship
23rd May 2016 at 12:15 am #17808
Yes I have experienced this. They do not change their attitude or beliefs only their tactics.
I now believe the change to catching themselves, apologising etc you describe is a change in tactic because you are changing, and slipping out of his control. He has always known he was doing wrong but recognises he can’t maintain that illusion any more. Don’t let your guard down things are escalating.
Keep talking on here. Get advice and support from WA and local DV services.
I had support from family but didn’t get enough experienced advice.
I’m out but could have been better prepared.
23rd May 2016 at 12:18 am #17809
As Confused123 says it’s the kids that get used to hurt you as they loose grip on you and try to get you back under control.
23rd May 2016 at 12:23 am #17811
My kids are under his control because I didn’t see how calculated his behaviour was.
25th May 2016 at 5:26 pm #17967godschildParticipant
Ive had decades of this , nice then horrible, hardly any men change but whenthey do it takes them to fully admit their abuse, get a lot of help work very hard fora long time, sonoway hashechanged. Lundy banrofts book, why does hedo that will show you a lot, there is also a checklist to see if there is real change, I agree with the others this is a change of tactic as he knows you are onto him, Isee it all thetine ifi challenge mine he can get really nice but it never ever lasts, get support from Womens Aid xx
25th May 2016 at 6:14 pm #17971
Thanks for all your replies.
Ive just started reading the Lundy Bancroft book.
We’ve had 10 days of him being nice. He seems to accept all the things I’ve pointed out that are controlling or manipulative he has agreed with. He’s not blamed me for anything, or said I’m over-reacting or minimised things at all – this is so different to usual. But he is still point blank refusing to have any outside help or counselling. So there are some positives but there is a long way to go still.
Ive not rung the local women’s aid yet. I guess I feel I don’t deserve their resources as much as women who are in a worse situation to me.
9th June 2016 at 12:43 pm #18840
Just an update. You were all right. It didn’t last
Has 10 days of Mr nice guy then gradually things have been getting worse again over the past 2-3 weeks. Not awful but he’s lost all his (detail removed by moderator) again and thinks it’s all my fault.
It feels like a real cycle I am trapped in now. Just waiting for it to get worse…
9th June 2016 at 3:16 pm #18846godschildParticipant
Hi, I just posted on you post re help for abusers. Please do phone your local womens aid, mine had been mainly verbal and emotional for decades but I was hit for the fist time at Christmas this wont get better and the damage from verbal is very very bad, you already have depression you loose your real self and self worth and it is serious and womesn aid will help you.
Have you looked at the cycle of abuse there is a diagram just google the cycle of abuse.
I could not even see until a few years ago that this was abuse and only at Christmas did I cut off emotionally from him, I have disabilities than have kept me here an they have been made worse by the abuse also the relationship with my childre has been very much affected as I did not leave as i had disabilites it will destroy your whole family if not addressed.
Do phone Womens aid they will hopefully give you a worker to meet up with in secret and help you see what is happening and if you decide to leave and that can only be your decision in your time they will assist you xx
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