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ring the police and report him contacting you and tell them of his suicide threats. They will get him the help he needs if he really needs it. Let them ring an ambulance and you will see it’s all a bluff, My ex threatened suicide too. It’s something abusers seem to do to try to regain power. I’ve not heard of one who actually carried it out.
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Hi Headinaspin,
He is telling you he is going to commit suicide as a way to make you feel guilty, probably in hope you will drop the charges and to make you feel confused and conflicted. I think it is unlikely that he will commit suicide, people who go through with suicide tend to not voice it. Can you report his texts to the police and then I imagine they could do a welfare check on him – so you don’t put yourself at any risk by responding to him. Can you give the Women’s Aid helpline a call too?
Stay safe x*x
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The problem I have is this- (detail removed by Moderator) after he was arrested he was arrested for breaching his bail conditions (he sent me texts and I reported it). He was released and readmitted to the bail conditions (detail removed by Moderator). Meanwhile his ex wife messaged me and she told me that when they were married he beat her and that when she eventually called police on him he got probation. Anyway I got talking to her for a few days and I started to tell her that I missed him etc. She said to me that if I regretted pressing charges etc then I should contact police and retract my statement and say I don’t want to press charges but that I need to do it quickly. Anyway I stupidly said I feel like I need to talk to him first etc. She sent me his temporary number as police had kept his phone for a couple of days for the evidence of breach of bail.
I text him. I said I loved him but that what he had done was unacceptable but that I loved him and missed him.
He didn’t text back as he didn’t know the number, when I told his ex wife this, she called him. Then she messaged me back to say call him now he wants to speak to you now he knows it’s you.
So I called him. Then from then on we’ve been texting and calling and he’s been all apologetic, said police are treating this incident harshly because of his past and that he just wants us to be together. I told him what his ex had said to me about retracting statement etc and he said it’s your decision whatever you want to do, that we’ll be together anyway but that the officer in charge of the case is being harsh on him for his past and that he doesn’t deserve all this from what he did to me. (detail removed by Moderator) He has been to my place (detail removed by Moderator) for a few hours in the evening, even though he shouldn’t have with bail conditions, and he has bought another pay as you go phone to text/call me on.
Anyway, a few days later I called police and they have been here and I have filled out the retraction statement. They asked if he had contacted me, I said no and they asked if it was my decision to do this, I again said yes. They said CPS may still want to continue (detail removed by Moderator). (detail removed by Moderator) Even though he said to me he accepts what he did was wrong and out of order and that he’s very sorry.My head is a mess and I don’t know what I’m doing I really don’t. I still have alarms here that police got installed because he had threatened to come after me and it did scare me at the time. But he says nothing like that will ever happen again and I have believed him. But now I’ve actually gone through with retracting my statement I don’t know if I’ve made a big mistake???
And now since then, he has actually said things like(detail removed by Moderator) it’s nothing to do with me. (detail removed by Moderator) He said no you don’t need to nothing will happen to you. I said again (detail removed by Moderator) He said I am screwing him over. I told him with all his issues everything between us is over. And now all these suicide threats. So I can’t call police because I’ve been in contact with him myself and also let him come here a couple of times (detail removed by Moderator), and also I’ve filled in the form to retract my statement (detail removed by Moderator). My head is such a mess
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Oh, and the last time he was here, I went to bed because he kept going on about things. I woke up to him having sex with me. When he realised I was awake he said to me are you ok, do you want me to stop. I didn’t like that he’d done that when I was already asleep, but I didn’t stop him
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Headinaspin, that is horrific. I’m sorry but that is rape. That is a textbook tactic as well, to try and create some kind of further bond by having sex with you. He was having sex with you without your consent. When something like this happens there is fight, flight or freeze – you may have frozen and it is common and I have frozen before too. It is not your fault that you didn’t stop him. He should never have done it in the first place.
Please be safe x*x
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Please ring the police back and explain everything. You have done nothing wrong. The police understand the coercive control these men have over us. His abuse will continue. He has no respect for the law or your boundaries. He is a serial abuser. Please do not contact him again. The bail conditions are his not yours and they are there to protect you from him. He won’t stop and the only way to deal with him is to keep reporting him. His ex wife said awful. Please don’t contact her again. She is also enabling him to breach his bail by passing contact details. You can change your mind about the statements which is what I would do. Tell the police you have changed your mind. (detail removed by Moderator) That’s because he knows he will get away with it now you’ve retracted. You can reinstate your statements and the police will be supportive x
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Headinaspin, you are not an idiot! Your partner has threatened you and you were scared – you were scared enough to contact the police. You also love your partner and this situation is incredibly confusing for you – you are scared of him but miss him – it sounds like a difficult trauma bond.
I imagine his ex-wife got in touch with you to tell you what she had been through with him – maybe as a way of telling you that you aren’t alone in this, doing the right thing and it has happened to her before too. This man is an ABUSER – from reading what you have written, it is very, very clear. It is natural to miss him and be confused, but I don’t think her suggesting withdrawing the statement was very useful let alone mediating between you and him. I can’t think why she did this – for her safety as well as your own.
The police are treating the incident harshly because of his past actions of abuse. They are treating the incident harshly because you are at risk. He is saying it is your decision (yeah, he is right – it IS your decision but HE is the one who has caused this situation) but also saying you will be together anyway…that sounds unsettling to me?
So, (detail removed by Moderator) and probably because he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong. (detail removed by Moderator) Double standards. And how dare he say that it has nothing to do with you? Of course it does, he was threatening YOU.
So you have told him it is over now, and he is now playing victim with suicide threats and trying to make you feel sorry for him so you take him back.
I think you should call Women’s Aid asap and get some professional advice with what to do. I don’t know what would happen if you call the police and explain your situation, but I think retracting statements is common in these situations and actually it sounds like you were coerced by him into retracting your statement in the first place?
I am really worried about your safety though because he is aware (detail removed by Moderator) and he is trying to get you back and using textbook tactics to get at you and pull your heart strings. Please stay safe and keep posting x*x
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Ok, please can you tell me what I need to say to them? I don’t know what I’m doing at all and when do I call them? Who do I call? Thank you so much for your replies
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You are most definitely not wasting police time and they are not going to hate you. This is their job, there are here to protect you. He is making your head a confused mess, that is what abusers do. Good on you for stopping contacting his ex-wife, that is a really good move from you so well done. And it is really good that you have alarms that go straight to police – so long as you feel safe there.
Did you get a contact name for the police dealing with the case or case number or anything? You could call them directly if you have their number or call 101 for non-emergencies and then quote the officers number or case number you may have? You can call them any time you are ready.
And as for what you need to say to them, I would say tell them what you have said on here to us. If you are wanting to reinstate your statement, tell them this. It is clear he is coercive and controlling the situation to suit him. You haven’t done anything wrong.
If you feel like you are in any danger or under any threat then don’t hesitate to call 999 too.
You’ve got support here, you can do this and remember it is okay to have changed your mind <3 x*x
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Thank you so much, I’m sorry it’s taken so long for me to reply to your reply, I’m trying to get to grips with the forum. So do I just contact them and say I would like to reinstate my statement and leave it at that? What would happen then, do they need to come and see me again or? I really don’t know any of this process or what I am doing
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I just feel like a complete waste of police time. And I feel like they’re going to hate me because they have been so good to me, then I went and retracted my statement and also have now been in contact with him etc. My head is such a mess it really is. I stopped talking to his ex wife a few days ago because I felt like she wasn’t doing this situation any good.
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You should speak to the officer who is dealing with your case, hopefully they are a domestic abuse officer. You can also ring Victim Support who have a website and helpline and volunteers who can help you. You can ring 101 and ask to speak to a domestic abuse police officer and explain your situation, they can give you advice and there is the helpline number on here. If it was me I would give the Police another statement about how he contacted you and coerced you into retracting your statement and that you have changed your mind and would like to proceed for your own protection. Let them know you are also fearful of him. I know it’s very scary but only you can decide how to proceed. With me I decided to report every breach and kept pushing back every time he pushed my boundaries until he was held accountable for his actions.
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But because I have been in contact with him, won’t they say the case can’t proceed? I’ve read that on another forum as they said because they’d been in contact with them romantically that the police said the case would collapse so the charges were dropped. I have really been such an idiot. I wish his ex wife had never contacted me or gave me his number and I wish I wasn’t so stupid to have done all this
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Hey, the police totally understand how a victim can be. They know it’s not easy and many many women retract their statement. Some more than once. They are totally used to this behaviour and won’t give you a hard time. They will be grateful that you’re brave enough to help them prevent him from hurting other women, which he will do it he’s not held accountable. Just make sure you are safe x
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Hi Headspin. I read your post and I just had to reply to it. It felt like reading my own story. Because I have been through exact same thing. He assaulted me. I made a statement. He was apologetic, then suicidal. I retracted a statement. Then I saw things ARE NOT CHANGING. He is starting to feel sorry for himself, and being disrespectful. I made statement again. I retracted it again but on the last minute (detail removed by Moderator).
And I feel so much better that I let the authorities deal with him. I strongly believe that it is not up to a woman to sort such men out!! It’s very hard when they play suicidal card. Then the best you can do is inform the police of such threats. As hard as it is, no contact is the best way forward and you need that for your sanity. I was told that so many times and wish I had gone no contact straight after assault.
And police should be understanding of your situation. They did not give up on my case when I gave up myself twice and was happy I let them help me in the end. And his ex wife is not giving you the best advise. He was violent to her, then you. and he will never change especially if he sees that he can get away with it.
Don’t be scared of the police. He is a criminal not you xx -
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Domestic abuse and violence is much more understood by police and courts these days. I know of someone in your position who changed her mind twice and it made all the difference to her recovery as a survivor. To hold him accountable and she was involved romantically right upto the last minute. Just stick to the facts. Ask these questions yourself of the officer in your case. I’m sure they will reassure you. His ex wife sounds like she was very much in his side. I know if a new partner contacted me I would tell her to report him to the police immediately. Sounds like she had something to gain by you withdrawing your statement?
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Ok thank you, so I should contact her tomorrow and just tell her everything? Or should I call the victim support officer as I received a letter from them the other day?
Again, thank you so much for your replies
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The letter I have had is from a witness care officer from the witness care unit at the police station and it says criminal justice system at the top. (detail removed by Moderator) She says in it that if there’s anything i wish to know or need to talk now about the case to contact her, that she will keep me informed of important developments in the case, and also says if there is anything that she can help with in the meantime, to call, email or write to her. So I don’t know because she says that in the letter, that I should contact her?
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Do you have the contact number of the officer who is dealing with your case and know his/her name? Because if you do, I would still contact him. That’s what I did even after receiving letter from victim care. He was my main point of communication. You can contact witness care as well, just make sure you call them instead of emailing as it is much quicker.
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I think the officer in the case in the first place then please contact Victim Support who will help you and support you with the (detail removed by Moderator) process if need be. (detail removed by Moderator), they were great with me.
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