Hi-never thought I’d be here again

[Rosie]

Well (detail removed by moderator) years ago I was here and you guys were amazing… Sorry cannot remember my login hence the new account
I left my husband after many years of abuse, and divorced him ( the court granted me he diverse as he refused to sign the papers)
Had my house repossessed. And and fighting for my children and winning and going to crown court after finding out my eldest was abused and all that entailed I have survived….
And yet I’m back!!
Finally let someone in, he’s moved in and started working….
The issue, I have declared him here and now he’s working I won’t get tax credits.
So me being me asked him to contribute to the house of the amount I’m losing…
I’ve ended up locked out my own house, pinned in the corner and watching things get smashed up and terrified as I thought he was going to hit me, pinned to the sofa and being screamed at. My eldest left the house due to this. Luckily my youngest isn’t here!!
What the hell do I do… I cannot put my children through this again….
This guy knows too many nasty people…. I’m in above my head and seriously think id be better of dead rather than go through hell again

[godschild]

Hi, this is awful for you to have gone through it once and now its happening again.
Has this just happened tonight and it is the first time he has been abusive to you and was it over you asking him to contribute.
You survied so much before you can’t let him bring you down now.
I really dont know what to suggest exect calling the help line to get advise, you have to get away from this man somehow for your sake and your childrens, sending you a hug and hope WA can help you, xxxxx

[Rosie]

I’m in way above my head and survived all that u doubt I can do it again

[Rosie]

I doubt.. Sorry… My head is completely mashed!!!

[SaharaD]

Yup time to get rid of him.

Thankfully you didn’t marry this one so he should be more able to get rid of.

Starting whose name is on the house? Yours only. Call the cops change the locks get an occupation order.

I always tell women what I have been told. Wait 2 years after the last abusive contact before even dating.

The two years is one year to fix your life and the other is one to fix yourself. One year to fix the basics of survival and one year to do some self work to avoid ending up in an abusive situation again.

Freedom Programme, women’s groups, pattern changing course and books on self esteem.

The thought of allowing another man to move in with me now and intertwine my finances makes me feel physically sick. I don’t even have children. If I did, I wouldn’t want another man letting them down again in their childhood.

(detail removed by moderator)

If you went to the Freedom Programme the first time, time to go back for support to get out.

Personally I think that I’m better living on my own. I budget better. I eat better. I really look after myself and my thoughts and feelings are clearer.

A man (or anyone or anything else for that matter)is not a solution for loneliness, low self esteem, feeling empty or feeling unloved or unattractive or unhappy. Only you are the solution.

Learning to be by ourselves and loving ourselves is a very important lesson.

[SaharaD]

Red flags for abusers and general toxic people who will suck the life force from you. Time, energy and emotional vampires. People to avoid

Not working. Red flag.
Does not live alone. Red flag.
Wants to move in too quickly. Red flag.
Has nasty friends or associates. Red flag.
Is very negative/sarcastic/inappropriate humour. Red flag.
Substance abuse. Red flag.
Needs your help. Red flag.
Inappropriate aggression/anger/humour. Red flag.
Unable to take responsibility. Red flag.
Has children he never sees. Red flag.
Bad mouths his ex. Red flag.
Inappropriate jealousy. Red flag.

Red flag means slow down, avoid and definitely down let them in your home.

[Rosie]

I feel so stupid for not seeing the warning signs.
He’s close with one of my close friends, they’ve been friends for years, and she knows what I’ve been through. She never brought anything like this up if anything the opposite!! Which is why I started seeing him as he had ‘references’
It’s only my name on the house and he’s only been here a month, so should make it easier. I’m just so angry with myself right now, let it ages, thought I’d done it all right and then this last night. I swore I wouldn’t live with someone again, and now it seems I’ve picked the worse one!

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Rosie, I’m so sorry this has happened again but please don’t be angry with yourself. I think most of us have experienced more than one abuser until we manage to change the deeply held patterns within us, but ultimately the problem is abusive men. They’re the ones who think it’s OK to behave this way and sadly there are a lot of them.
Thinking positively, it’s early days, no housing or finances are entwined, you’re not married and don’t have children together. The minute you saw the abuse you came on here to help you decide how to stop this.
It isn’t like last time and it will be much easier to resolve. Nip it in the bud immediately, like ripping off a plaster, and get back to a little more recovery work. We all take different amounts of time to recover, we are trying to change a lifetime of patterns and beliefs. This time you know you deserve better and you know you can do it. I agree with Sahara regarding the occupation order. Sending hugs, good luck xx

[Lisa]

Hi Rosie,

Welcome back to the forum. I am really pleased to see that you have already had some helpful and supportive advice. Please don’t be cross with yourself. Sadly we know that abusive people target vulnerable, kind partners as they are easier to manipulate. You are not to blame. He has chosen to behave in this way. Just because he was a nice friend to your friend does not make him a good partner or mean he is not an abuser. Sadly we all know abusive men can be lovely friends, colleagues, sons, brothers etc but within the home they are different and capable of terrifying abuse.

Be really proud of yourself that you are immediately seeking advice. The best course of action would be to phone the police immediately and report his behaviour. Then speak to the helpline who can offer you support and signposting to an injunction. Please try and do this as soon as possible. You and your children deserve to be safe so please do not wait! If you need to go in to a refuge the helpline can help you with this too.

We are all here for you. Please let us know how you get on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum moderator

[Rosie]

I’ve not slept trying to think of what to do for the best and how to do it.
He’s still friends with his ex gf so I’m questioning is it me. Is it something I’ve done or not done.
He’s been so stressed with everything did I push his buttons!!! Am I tarring him with the same brush as my ex?!?
Do I give him a chance??
My head is a mess.
Been there through court and had to get a non-molestation order.
I haven’t got that kind of money anymore

[Twisted Sister]

Welcome back Rosie but so sorry to hear of going throufh such awful things with him

Like others said already this time is so difderent becuas u have immediately recignised it for what it isand and everything u said makes it clear u hated it and think its wrong and unnaceptable for u and ur children. Stick to ur guns andbtrust those instincts tokeep u all ssafe .

Ask the helpline or rights ofbwomen whetherbu can avoidall the costs and courts by just going straight to court administrators tonfill in forms for resdency orderand non-mol ex parte. Non-mol for dv is free. Have a friend go with u for some emotionl support

Every streght to u for kicking him out quickly! Xxwarmest wishes xx ks

[Lisa]

Hi Rosie,

Please phone the helpline. It will help you to see clearly. Please also have a look at the National Centre for Domestic Violence, they can help you with regards to obtaining an injunction- http://www.NCDV.org.uk

Best wishes,

Lisa

[SaharaD]

Hi Rosie.

Never mind what is best and what is right. You need to protect yourself and your kids before things escalate.

Get him out. Call the police and your friends around and ask him to leave. He has no right to being in your home if you don’t want him there.

Trust me and us when we say you don’t want him there. Don’t ask him to leave alone. Ask people around to protect you or if you have no one go to a refuge while he gets removed from your property.

It’s not you. You know this deep down. You know abuser tactics. It’s them. Never mind the ex’s. Nobody deserves to be attacked like that. Even offenders in prison have rights.

Please don’t give him a chance.

Get him out soon. Don’t fall for his act. Report him to the police. My husband had his hands around my throat. What he deserved was me leaving him. I’m not going to let him kill me or end up killing him in self defence and I don’t have kids to think about.

No doubt he’ll soon start on the kids.

[Ayanna]

Hi Rosie, so sorry you fell for the wrong man again. He did it once, so he will do it again. I am sure you know all the stuff. You have been through that treadmill before.
Do not give him a second thought. Just kick him out.
Do not fear his friends. Show him who the boss is: you.
He is only in your house for a month. Call the cops and send him off with his belongings.
You need to think of yourself and your kids first.
A peaceful life alone is better than a relationship with a crazy abusive man. x*x

[deepblueeyes]

Hi Rosie, this is terrible for you but I’m agreeing with SaharaD, get him out of the house and change the locks. Do not put yourself through this again. You can try an reason in your head why this happened after you get him removed from your home. Don’t let your children down, they need a strong mum not all that fighting and arguing again. It’s not your fault you know in your heart what he did is not acceptable, and he will try to win you round. Get rid of him and don’t look back. Good luck and be strong and determined.

[Rosie]

Well I got talked round and things were brilliant.
Until Friday, he shoved me.. I didn’t like it and told him no. He did it again and I told him to go.
He launched an attacked on me I could never have envisioned. He punched me, strangled me and tried to break my neck. Told me bread going to kill me!!
How had I wish I’d listened!!
He’s out my life now, not allowed near me and bailed awaiting sentencing!!
I ignored my instinct and nearly paid for it with my life!

[Anonymous]

Hi rosie i said the same as you . I seem too attract them myself last one was the worsed ive ever experienced in my whole life but i never seen the red flags till i understood them . I know them all now . I fled for my life and now in police protection.. ive been abused from when i was young till now . All i wanted was to be happy loved and cared for .. but all he did was hurt me . Iam sure now he was very ill himself but he stopped his medication.. it was all about his ego .. i loved him cared protected him till i seen his mask fall off .. i kinda feel sorry for him because hes going to be a very lonely person .. i will thrive and survive yet again . It just makes us stronger … hugs hun xx

[Starmoon]

Don’t blame yourself, don’t worry what other idiots may think- act quickly! This is not your fault and you’re not at all stupid. We are vulnerable to other abusive people after one abusive relationship. Please find strength from us and the help line! Stand tall and say to yourself that you won’t go threw all that again x*x we are all here for you xxxx

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Rose, i’m so pleased that you managed to get him out, and quite quickly. When i read your first post about his reluctance to give you any money despite living in your house that set alarm bells ringing for me. It is right, normal and respectful if someone is living with you to make a fair contribution. My ex wanted to move into the house that I have worked hard for for years. He wanted to rent out his own place pocket all of the money and give me nothing. He was outraged that I would even suggest that I am entitled to something from him. Initially I thought he was after me for a free meal ticket, as the time went on he got more & more mentally, emotionally and financially abusive. XXXXX

[Author]

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