Hi, new first post

[Itsoktobeme]

Hi everyone. Feel,like a fraud, not even sure I belong here, I left my husband a few weeks ago, just cracked up at work(my safe space) and never went back. Emotional abuse – alienation from my family ( Mum had dementia, sister caring for her) and my friends (problems if I went out, had texts, used messenger , didn’t call them on the phone) but it was all my fault for misunderstanding him.

Confidence hit rock bottom, unable to sleep, make decisions, cook, etc. Making some progress but so very exhausted by it all. All my energy goes into going to work.some people want me to be ok now, but I’ve barely scratched the surface of what went on. Struggling to believe it has all happened. He was ill, and I cared for him for (detail removed by Moderator) years and was the breadwinner, ran the house etc too. Always broke, did the usual female thing of making sure he had what he wanted, his needs were met. Mum died in (detail removed by Moderator) and I was ill, in hospital. He didn’t visit. I’ve found this hard to deal with. He felt ‘alienated’ at the funeral. This was my fault? I’d been out of hospital (detail removed by Moderator) days at this point and dint know if I was coming or going. I’m still having tests now.

I feel so mixed up. Thanks for listening.

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome. You’ve definitely found the right group of women to support you. Please don’t feel like a fraud. Emotional and mental abuse are debilitating and can take years to recover from. Blaming others is what abusers do. Are you in touch with your local women’s aid? So at your mothers funeral he’s complaining about his discomfort! My abuser refused to help me when I was very ill too. He showed no empathy. It sounds like you’ve escaped a terrible prison sentence. No wonder your feelings are all mixed up. At least now you can concentrate on your own health and well being because he certainly won’t x

[Itsoktobeme]

Thanks KIP, it is hard to articulate and that makes me feel like maybe I’m imaging it. It was the (detail removed by Moderator) night after Mum’s funeral when he woke me at 3am to tell me he thought he should go back ( we live a long way away, (detail removed by Moderator) miles) as he wasn’t being made to feel welcome. I was flabbergasted, hoped for once he’d be there for me. Next 48 hours were awful and then he went. I couldn’t as I was still getting local medical stuff so needed to stay put. Even now I am wanting to make excuses, see his side, maybe I was unreasonable??? this is what I have become reduced to. Your kind response is so helpful. Thanks.

[KIP.]

Keep reading other posts. These abusers are very similar. Definitely contact your local women’s aid. They helped me realise he was abusive. We minimise their behaviour to cope with it. It’s dysfunctional and unacceptable. You deserve better x what a horrible thing to do to someone who’s just lost their mum ❤️ I defended my abuser too. It’s awful to admit that someone we love and think loves us could be such a nasty abuser. Painful thing to admit x

[Ayanna]

Hi and welcome.
Yep, going to work after such experiences is difficult.
The recovery time is long. I hope you can hide your struggles well. Not all workplaces are kind. We live in patriarchy. Abused women find little understanding and support.
Keep posting here. We are all here for you!

[Anonymous]

Dear itsoktobeme, It sounds like you were the one keeping your relationship alive. You were doing everything and giving everything and he was contributing nothing. On top of this he was blaming and gaslighting you so you were confused and thought it was your problem. This is so familiar and more or less what I went through. When you are in the thick of it it is virtually impossible to think clearly, your thoughts are so foggy and mixed up. Once you maintain No Contact you will start to see things much more clearly. I thought I was dangerously mentally ill when I was with my ex, truly believing I was reaching that point. Funny how after we split I no longer felt that way. After the split you will have another range of emotions to deal with but you can cross that bridge when you come to it. The key now is to maintain No Contact. This reading may help you. X*X
20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative N*********s, Sociopaths And Psychopaths Use To Silence You

https://www.amazon.com/Covert-Emotional-Manipulation-Tactics-Relationships-ebook/dp/B00PCVJGFW

[Serenity]

Hi Its Ok,

You aren’t a fraud. These abusers deny us the right to be human and have normal feelings and limitations.

They are immature bullies who create chaos in their wake and want to always be centre of attention.

Invariably, we victims get sick of it.

You will find much support here X

[Itsoktobeme]

Thank you everyone, what a wonderfully supportive place this is! I am in touc with my local Women’s Aid, who are wonderful. It just helps so much to be validated, not mocked or be told I’ve got it all wrong – makes me realise how much I have come to expect that reaction. It really means so much. Every day is a struggle, work is good (lucky, very supportive boss and management), it’s just so hard to explain to people who haven’t experienced it. And you all understand- thank you so much x*x

[Author]

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