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Hi all. I wondered if there is anyone that can help me stay strong for my daughter?
I have been married for (detail removed by moderator) with 3 grown up children. The (detail removed by moderator) have been red flag moments after red flag moments.. and although my children are now fully grown, my daughter is (detail removed by moderator) and BEGS me daily not to leave her dad! She is the most sensible (detail removed by moderator) I could imagine, & knows only too well what her dad is made off, yet STILL wishes for the family unit to stick together!! I realise it is down to me to tolerate things and turn the blind eye for as long as it takes, yet I struggle at times and could do with some words of encouragement.
Thank you in advance. -
What you’re doing is teaching your daughter that it’s ok to stay with an abusive man. That an abusers need will always come before hers. When my ex was arrested it was a way of showing my child that this behaviour is not to be tolerated under any circumstances and there are consequences to such actions. That no matter who abuses you it’s okay and health to walk away. To not have that person in your life and to go no contact. It’s not her life and you don’t know how her father has been manipulating her behind your back. You should not stay in an abusive relationship to please your child. She has no life experience and looks to you for that perspective. I know it’s difficult to go against the wishes your a child but she’s a child. Abuse always gets worse and can she really expect you to see out your old age with an uncaring man who abuses you. Would you want to spend the next 20 years in a downward spiral. I read something tonight about how to dominate someone is to remove their confidence. Speak to your local women’s aid and get the support you need to safely leave x
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It’s better to come from a broken home than an abusive one. Perhaps joint counselling may help for you both, you and your daughter to talk through what’s going on and why she feels the need for you to stay in an abusive relationship. It may help her going forward to deal with any issues. My local women’s aid were fantastic and perhaps even an outreach worker could sit down with you both, you and your daughter. Be aware she may well be feeding anything you say back to her father x
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Hi there, your daughter is not the parent, she doesn’t get what is happening, just wants mum and dad to stay together, she doesn’t know the cost. Not just to yourself but to her future self. Lundy Bancroft has written a book which helps parents help their children. Not sure of its title but you’ll find it online easily enough. I can’t really add much more as kip has given great advice as usual💞
Keep posting, and absolutely take care that anything you and your daughter talk about doesn’t go back to her dad.
IWMB 💞💞 -
Hi all! Thank you so much for your replies!! Firstly, I have no doubt my daughter doesn’t tell her dad anything behind my back.. her dad would never have those kind of deep conversations with her so there’s no danger of that!
She’s more mature than anyone could give her credit for, and as I used to work with sufferers & survivors of DA, she has heard lots of stories (omitting names) & knows the difference between a healthy & an unhealthy relationship.
It’s more to do with what she has witnessed from some of her friends he rage who have gone through parental break ups.. they have major high anxiety issues & most of them tell her they would rather have their parents together with problems than a broken home.
It’s a real tricky one… of course she isn’t the parent… but she trusts that I will go if & when I’m ready!
There’s no violence.. it’s all mainly sociopathy!! I’m low on his priority list in EVERYTHING, yet she has managed to get herself a delightful boyfriend who fits her criteria of being everything her dad is not!
I just sometimes need some support with killing him with kindness rather than show him how much I see through him…
Hope this makes sense??? Xx -
Hi I wonder if those same friends would think like that when they’re in their 40’s? Children problem solve emotionally, they’ve not got that emotional maturity that comes with age.they may be sensible and mature beyond their years but that also comes with witnessing abusive behaviour. Sounds as if they’ve minimised the behaviours that led to their parents breakups,believing that problems could have been overcome if only…. are their high anxiety issues down to their parents breakup or to what they may have witnessed at home??
It’s nice to know your daughter has someone she can lean on and that she will ultimately trust your judgement when you decide to leave, if that’s what you want to do. It’s your choice, we are here, without judgement, to offer support, a friendly ear, a virtual hug, when real one’s are noncoming.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞 -
That’s SO kind IWMB ☺️ Thank you! I must say I’ve had lengthy conversations with my 50 something year old brother-in-law who himself admits he would rather his parents had stayed together despite all the arguing he used to listen too, than them have gone their separate ways when he was a teenager, which they did.
It would appear a lot of their anxieties stem from having 2 family homes, & different boundaries etc. in both homes. She’s seen too many of her friends go down the wrong path, with the wrong crowds, after parental splits.
I think when it’s good at home (the indulgence phase of his cycle) it’s really good for her, & we are all happy! When it’s not so good, she knows it’s a cycle and it will get better again, for a while!
Thank you for the virtual hug!!! 🤗 It’s most welcome x*x -
You’re daughter sounds lovely and it seeems like you have a great relationship with her. But her friends are only telling her the bad bits. Breaking up does have an impact on them, even when they are grown and she will have to get used to a new way of living. But it sounds like you and she both understand where the main challenges will be for her. So you can reassure her that you understand and that you can work through it together. Life will be different for both of you and she will face different challenges from the ones that she faces at the moment. But there will also be different opportunities. You may not know what they are yet but they will appear.
The benefits my son didn’t expect, freedom (he can be himself here), faster wifi, a dog to play with (neighbours dog who thinks he has two homes), shared facilities (I know what you’re thinking but….) a shared tumble drier (I was never allowed one before) so he can get his clothes washed and dried all in the same day, shared garden (big, beautiful and barely used), even somewhere to fish if he hops over the garden gate. And best of all, he’s discovered a new me; we were close before but even closer now because he can get to know the real me. So challenges yes but also new opportunities. You can both begin a whole new journey together and as scarey as that can be, there will be unexpected bonuses for both of you. xx
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Hi eggshells, its made my heart happy to know that there are positives to come out of abuse. My children are now absolute adults but still act as if they are the teenagers they were living in an abusive home with their stepdad. Their emotional development has stagnated at that age and they haven’t the maturity to act ‘like a grown up’ even though they are mature beyond their years due to what they saw. They both have said that at least living with their stepdad and me they knew how far they could go and there were consequences but the emotional abuse was unbearable. Definitely living in two houses with different boundaries is a major negative, to which we’re fed the old chestnut, that kids are adaptable they’ll be fine.
IWMB 💞💞 -
I just wanted to add that while being abused your headspace is very much taken up with the abuse and the effects and trying to prevent more and appease. All this time and energy wasted on an abuser. Time that you and your family should be spending making good memories. Time and effort for your own self care and improvement. One thing I do regret is that I couldn’t be a better mother, friend, daughter, sister and productive member of society because my abuser stole my attention and drained me of energy for everything else. My advice is to break free and show everyone who you truly are x
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