Hi , new

[Anonymous]

I never write in forums but I’ve nowhere else to turn .. I’m in a relationship and I want out . I have kids with this person which is why it’s so hard to get away . He gives me the silent treatment every day more or less and won’t say why, he sleeps with prostitutes but if I ever mention this (I sometimes find messages etc on his phone when he’s forgot to hide it ) he will just lie and somehow turn it all around into me . He won’t let me leave him , if I say I’ve had enough and kick him out he will message me relentlessly or my friends and family or just turn up and use the kids to get at me until I give in . He will not financially support the children unless I stay with him . If I talk to my friends , text or call anyone he will give me the silent treatment/ tell me I’m neglecting him . I never go out because it’s not worth the hassle . I feel like I’m living in hell most days . I’m sorry for the rant I just want to know if anyone understands? This forum seems like a great support for ladies going through these kind of issues .

[HunkyDory]

I am sure most if not all of us here will understand apple118 x we all have experienced varying levels of this kind of abuse. If feel something is wrong it usually is and you need to get out. I don’t have children but surely he has a legal obligation to provide for them. The other ladies will have better advice than I can give about this but I’d say contact the helpline and make your plan to get out and start your life again with your children. Well done for posting I know it’s not easy. Keep on posting you will get all the support you need from this fabulous group and the helpline xx

[diymum@1]

the first step is contacting womens aid and also get legal advice as far as housing and child contact. baby steps he sounds like hes gaslighting and manipulating you. as far as the prostitutes this s a form of triangulation this must be very upsetting xx call the helpline we will be there to help you thru this step by step xx there is a better life for you but you need proper help to get out off this xx we all did x take care love diymum

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much for your replies I really appreciate it . There’s a lot more to it than I wrote there – it’s an accumulation of many behaviours and it’s been going on for years now . I do rent my own place but he comes and goes whenever he wants and if I try and put my foot down he just won’t let up -he’ll do anything he can to get his way and I end up giving in . I suffer from such bad anxiety which doesn’t help. I really want to just run away someplace he won’t find me I’ve been thinking about maybe somehow saving some money or borrowing some and doing it when i have enough but don’t know if this is the answer? I know he won’t pay any attention if I get some kind of restraining order- it will make him worse . Has anyone else ever just packed up and left to a completely different area just to get away from their abusive partner ? He does gaslight me he hides my things or takes them and makes out it’s me that’s lost them . Then they miraculously appear days later in the most obvious place where I’ve already looked and makes out like I’d just misplaced it !( Bank cards , phones etc . )If I ever go to see a friend or do something for myself there’s hell to pay (he’s destroyed my belongings, taken the kids and not returned them for school, the list goes on )just to get revenge! so I feel I have no one left to speak to as I don’t have the chance to see my friends due to him causing me problems if I do, and my closest friend who I used to confide about everything to sadly died not long ago .I have contacted women’s aid and have a lady calling me back tomorrow . As for child support I’ve tried this approach and it came back that he doesn’t earn enough to pay me anything . The worse thing is my youngest absolutely adores him and it breaks his heart whenever he goes and when he decides he wants to come back it’s just the same s**t cycle all over again .anyway thanks again for responding it’s so nice to know people understand and that you can come out the other side of this, I just hope I can too someday Xx

[EbonyRaven]

Hi and welcome. If he ignores a restraining order the police can take action against him, so it’s not something he can do over and over again.

If you do tell him it is over maybe change your ‘phone number so he can’t contact you. Block him on all social media and don’t respond to any contact. Get contact set up through the courts and use a third party for handovers. Use an app or similar to arrange parenting duties.

I’m sorry to hear about your friend, that must be so painful for you.

I’m glad you’re speaking to W.A. that will help.
x

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for your message ebony . I just fear if I got the police involved it would cause so much upset for my kids as they’d have to witness it . And then think he will just turn it up a notch in making my life hell and just find more inventive ways to do so !.. but maybe it is the only option really .
I’ve blocked him off everything before but then he just starts texting my family etc it’s all so embarrassing and stressful for everyone .
He started the process to take me to court for joint custody in the past when I left him however I don’t have a penny spare for solicitors and the thought of him having the kids and manipulating them and messing their heads up scares me (this is what he does if I try to move on with my life -he’ll get at me via any means possible even if it means confusing and upsetting our children and trying to turn them against me ) this causes so much upset so in the end I just let him back so that he stops .when everything is going his way he’s fine , a good dad etc but all it takes is for me to do , say or act in a certain way he doesn’t approve of (which is always unreasonable on his part )and it all changes .theres absolutely no reasoning with the man either whatsoever so trying to make child arrangements or anything in a civilised way is impossible – he goes from demanding custody (even tho I’ve never stopped him seeing the kids – to then saying he’s never going to see the kids again) I hope this makes sense it’s hard to explain . I just feel leaving to a new town and not tell him or anyone where I am may be the only option I have at having a peaceful life sometimes but uprooting the kids from their home , school and grandparents could cause more upset … I just feel so very trapped it’s frightening. xx thanks for listening, it means a lot

[Fudgecake]

Keep talking to WA who are very experienced at dealing with this sadly. They can make a plan for you and your children. Yes the children will be upset at first but think if you stay of all the years of abuse ahead for you and them either directly or non direct as they see him abusing you. It will be hard to make that break but deep down your instinct is telling you to go. Listen to that gut instinct, use this time before your ready to go to plan, save up and get advice from solicitor.

[Anonymous]

Thank you I needed to hear that , I know really what needs to be done I’m not deluding myself anymore just need to finally get the courage to do it Xx

[EbonyRaven]

You’ll get there. It’s so very difficult that sometimes we really have to work ourselves up to it.

If he’s already hassled your family before then they will understand. They can block him too, and I’m sure they’d support you. Don’t let being embarrassed keep you there; I was so very surprised by how supportive and lovely people have been in my area once they knew the truth.

A time comes where you can feel pride in having removed yourself and your children from the abuse.

x

[Anonymous]

Thank you ebony . Xx

[Author]

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