22nd May 2020 at 9:03 am #104045ChasingrainbowsParticipant
Hi I’m new to all this. Just realised through lockdown that I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship. Husband controling and unreasonable for years. I’ve finally started to address it and told him he has to seek help or we’ll have to separate. Fast forward 2 weeks on, he’s spoken to councillor (detail removed by moderator) and got weekly sessions booked, got some ‘homework’ to do too, bought some Relate books and started reading, admitted he was wrong all these years not me. Said sorry a lot but I’ve said he has to SHOW that he is sorry which will take time. Told his Mum I’m not ‘half to blame’ as she said.
But my problem now is him saying if I think he should leave the family home for sale of myself and our 2 kids then he will but I’ve got to decide and I can’t decide. I want it to be ok. I want my littlest girl not to be scared of his behaviour.
Does anyone have stories of staying with an abuser and making progress??? I’m really struggling with it all right now.
22nd May 2020 at 10:27 am #104054KIP.Participant
Sadly I’ve been on here for several years an heard all the promises and not one of the abusers has changed for any length of time. They go through the motions, or say they do. Until they feel we are hooked back in. You have zero obligation to this man anymore and even if he changed into Prince Charming, the trust has gone, he’s frightened your child and if he doesn’t know how to behave by now, no amount of counselling in my opinion will help. Are you certain he’s actually having counselling. Ask to talk to his counsellor. If it was me I would ask him to leave to give you some space to sort out your own mind. I don’t think he will leave, I thunk he will make a huge show of it. Abusers often use this as a veiled threat. So call his bluff (safely) and see if he will go. Future behaviour is dictated by past behaviour and you are right about him showing his behaviour has changed. Keep a journal for yourself to keep your head straight. If he’s putting pressure on you for a decision then that’s manipulative and coercive. Keep posting for support. You sound exhausted which is what happens when dealing with abusers
22nd May 2020 at 2:52 pm #104074Wants To HelpParticipant
Hi Chasing Rainbows,
Many years ago when I was being supported by a DA Counsellor I considered going back to my ex on the basis that he told me that he would attend Anger Management courses to help improve our relationship, and that if I found one that was affordable he would go. I saw this as a positive sign and considered going back to him. My counsellor told me that if my ex really recognised his behaviour was abusive he would seek help himself, enrol himself on an Anger Management Course and take some time out to work on himself and change his behaviour. Whilst I was mulling this over, my ex told me that I had to pay for his Anger Management Course, however, if I didn’t make him angry in the first place by behaving like (x,y,z) then he’d have no reason to attend! Glad to say, I didn’t go back to him.
So, has your ex sought this help himself, or has he been pushed to do it? Like KIP says, most abusers never change, they just move from one victim to the next, but I suppose some people can change their behaviour if they really and truly recognise the need to change, in some ways a bit like drug addicts and alcoholics have to admit to their problems before they can address them. However, I have never yet seen an abuser become non abusive and then go on to have a happy and abuse free relationship with the next partner.
30th May 2020 at 6:04 pm #104713ChasingrainbowsParticipant
Thanks both. After an exhausting week of him constantly apologising and trying to talk about our situation every minute of every day I’ve asked him to move out and he’s in an (detail removed by moderator) locally. He’s agreed to sign off work and close for (detail removed by moderator) (we own a business together). I’ve spoken to his councillor. My husband has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and is now under the crisis team. He sees and agrees with the irony that he’s the one who’s been wrong all these years now he’s the one getting help!!! I’m here still, reading and learning. Cuddling my girls and doing simple stuff like just sharing space with them no pressure and no worries.
I’ve realised I’ve build a strong network around myself without REALLY knowing how big it was or how filled with love as I’ve had all sorts of help and comfort.
Only time will tell. One step at a time, hey?! Thanks KIP and I Want to Help. They’ve helped me. Xx
31st May 2020 at 9:22 am #104742HazydayzParticipant
Wishing you every happiness 💞
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