Hi

[Tamra]

i have only just worked out how to get back in here since the up dated site. Not sure if I’m doing it right now.
I am really struggling since I left only a few weeks ago. Some very small things have happened but not sure if it’s a tactic or just normal things people do – he joined an FB business page of someone close to me and put up Xmas things that were made for me and he knows people will see and prob tell me. I miss him loads but keeping wondering what do I miss cuz he’s a liar, a cheat and a controlling manipulator. Sorry for the rant
Xx

[Amethyst15]

Hi Tamra,
The weeks, even months, after leaving are very tough indeed. All sorts of emotions come jumping out at you like a grieving process for what was and never can be as well as lost hopes and dreams. Leaving an abusive relationship is harder still because of the trauma bonding and control/manipulation so i really feel for you at this stage. It’s horrible and confusing. Your ex will try tricks to get contact so sadly this is normal but his motivations are not ‘normal’ He is losing control and wants it back and that normally involves coercing people wbo are close to us to find out information/make contact. Best advice – where possible is no contact/no responses. It is very hard to do that and i hope you can get support to do it. Womensaid helpline can let you know of services locally. Also, your GP if you are struggling. Hope things get better for you x

[lover of no contact]

yes its a tactic. He can’t get to you directly so he’s trying the tactic of ‘indirectly’ making contact with you. He knows if you have indirect contact with him (via mutual friend), he will get into your head space. His main aim is to upset you, you can’t control his behaviour, you can only control yours. Take the control back and block any mutual friends on facebook. Hard and unfair you should have to do that, but better for you that you have no contact with him whatsoever as you are not long away from him and thus naturally he still has the power to upset you.

[Puffin]

Hi
Some of the things he has done do sound a bit manipulative. I had to stay off social media for a while until I was strong enough to unfriend and block him and people connected to him.

It is really hard when you miss them even though the rational side of you knows that he was, as you say, a liar, a cheat and a controlling manipulator. On the forum people always mention trauma bonding, maybe you could look it up.

You are doing really well and this is a hard time so try to be kind on yourself.
Sending hugs
Xx

[Tamra]

thank you all for your support.
I blocked him from FB ages ago and his new lady and a few other people so they can’t look at me either.
I just think if you have a new women you leave the ‘old’ one alone.
I have read loads on trauma bonding, no contact in fact anything I can get my hands on. I also ring the help line and they are fab. I sometimes just get a big frustrated with not knowing if things are tactics or just ‘normal’ things people do, I guess this is what happens when you have been I. A relationship for over ex amount of years. Everyone tells me move on which I am doing but the odd thought or cry I can’t help but do, I’m grieving after all and trying to find me. I said to a friend I loved him and he loved him and neither loved me so now I have to learn to love me

Xx

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