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Honestly this hurt me, when you’re in pain and ask for help.
I won’t say what the treatment I need is, I asked if he would pay.
Ask your parents his response.
He knows and appears to forget that I don’t ask as my dad and I have not in the past got along. He is abusive and I have remained independent until now.
I explained he is the breadwinner, I cannot ask other people for money, I do not want to pay on a credit card that I cannot repay.
He was upset asked why I was being nasty? I was angry so may have come across not nice, He then played dumb that he thought I wanted private treated which was a lot. I said no it was just to get the pain treated and was cheaper nhs. He turned it around.
I mentioned he’s happy to pay for meals out for us all, new trainers (for him) etc but this is medical and necessary but I was being rude with how I was asking and now he was upset.
Really? Is he really that clueless to how a marriage should work? Or that his wife is in pain?
Financial control or abuse is what it is and proves he really doesn’t get it or care.
I keep thinking is he autistic it’s been said but either way it’s not fair on me to live like this.
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Hey chocolatebunnie, I am so sorry your husband is treating you this way, you are right in that he is financially abusing you, him saying to ask your dad is a tactic.. he knew you wouldn’t ask your dad as you had made him aware of the relationship you have with your dad, that’s why he suggested it as to him it can sound like he is offering you another option, in reality he knew that it wasn’t an option for you. He has no intention of helping you which is so cruel, a marriage is about equality, mutual respect, adult conversations etc… it sounds like you went to habe an open honest conversation about your physical health and how your husband can support you which is completely normal and what we expect to do with our partners/husband’s but with an abuser, such as yours, mine and all of us on here) they do the opposite, or pretend to help and blame us anyway, you cannot win.
It wouldn’t matter if he is on the spectrum (I am diagnosed as my ASD traits can hinder me in everyday life which can be frustrating for me but I do not want to hurt anyone else and I haven’t, autism, mental health, alcohol, drug misuse, there’s no excuse to abuse and hurt another human being.
It sounds like you really see the abuse and I can relate to how that feels.. have you got any support in place?
Big hugs ❤️ -
Hi Chocolatebunnie
You’re spot on, he’s been very flippant about the pain you are suffering, and tried to avoid helping you with it financially, or probably practically. It perhaps plays to his strengths that he has a wife who is in constant pain and therefore less able to be strong in other areas of her life, puts him more in control.
Of course he knew you wouldn’t approach your Dad about this, when you don’t approach him about anything.
You shouldn’t have to be askng for money. Its very old patriarchal behaviour having a wife who has to ask for every penny to feed the family, and to be excluded from important financial decisions.
Any decent actual ‘partner’ in every sense of the word, would be talking with you about how to make sure as a couple you could afford this treatment to get you out of pain. What steps could be taken to perhaps make savings /cut backs, releasing money, looking at savings, or a short-term loan, etc.
I am so sorry that you are in such pain, and in such a place with a partner who isn’t behaving like a partner. I really hope you find a way to get the help you so need. Have you spoken with your gp about this and the impact on you not being able to access treatments because of him? They might know other means of getting you the treatment. Whatever happens, I hope you get your treatment soon.
warmest wishes
ts
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Hi your replies are appreciated and I needed to hear this too thank you x
Honestly been in quite a bit of pain tonight regardless of his help I’m going to make a appointment tomorrow
He’s said I need to get it sorted and queried the amount.
Still not openly said he will help me, neither does he help me with kids or chores whilst I’m struggling or when he dies he’s depressed and hard done by to the point one of the children face him a hug.
I’m the moody miserable monster as obviously I’m not happy with all this going on.
I mentioned him helping or lack of and his replies was his does x,y,z daily and if i thought differently then what planet did I live on?
Which him having said this either I’m expecting too much, not seeing things as they really are and well must be a neurotic person.
Sorry I have been venting upset by this and not feeling cared for at all
Best wishes CB X
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I’ve just reread your messages, I’ve not any support and I doubt I will get the confidence or strength to leave I’ve already tried sever times I’ve not sought any. Support so far hasn’t been great.
If he was physically abusing me I’m sure it would be different but I feel as I’m not at immediate risk it makes a big difference.
From the outside it could be just issues, normal stuff lack of communication me overreacting it’s been said at marriage counselling.
Social services aren’t interested, and WA local services dropped me as I got him to leave and once he left rekindled things. He then moved himself back home against my wishes. I was told to re refer but I’ve list confidence now.
He’s really controlling money. He can be nasty or snappy when I need help. But he’s better than he was before. So I guess I’m tolerating the bad stuff at the moment.
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I’m also going for assessments for autism which doesn’t help in reaching out to people.
I even struggle in here as I worry I don’t come across well and cannot reply very well as I have trouble with what to say.
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Hi Chocolatebunnie
I want first of all to really reassure you that you have no need to worry about posting here, your words are clear and undestood, and if there was any misunderstanding you are encouraged to say this so that you are understood. I am sorry that you could be also managing autism as well as his behaviour. I imagaine it took a great deal of courage to say this, and I think you are stronger than you know, or feel right now.
Do keep reaching out here, you are no alone in this as you can see from all the other women posting here.
Its vital you get the help and you do sound very in need of it, so I hope that you can find it in you to self-refer again and make it clear to the DA unit that you never wanted him back and now can’t remove him again.
With all that you have to manage who wouldn’t be a moody miserable monster, I think thats perfectly reasonable under the circumstances, although I doubt you are that especially given that you are living with a dominator who at best is probably very intolerant of your needs and emotions.
You are living with someone who forced their way back into your home against your wishes, that in itself is a police matter, and certainly something that DA services need to be supporting you with.
I do hope that you can get some help soon with your pain, and can speak to your gp about getting this treatment, and him withholding the possibility of paying for it.
You need to prioritise your well-being, and yourself generally. You are worth so much more than his treatment of you.
warmest wishes
ts
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Replies mean so much thank you x
He’s still not officially said he will help.
Only that he’s there for me and hopes it’ll get sorted. I’ve booked an appointment which he knows too. I’m guessing a normal partner would say the money is yours when you need it and discuss things more?
I struggle as haven’t had good role models growing up. I don’t know what a good partner is and what I imagine them to be like feels like a fantasy that slips away very fast.
My mum is still abused at her very old age bless her. We do talk and she finds it very painful. She feels guilty that I am as I am and blames her marriage for this. She should’ve left my dad I always wanted her to.
I don’t know if it makes any difference but when he moved back he knew I didn’t want it to happen and I was so angry I didn’t display this but I told him this. He had nowhere to go and had outstayed his welcome at his mums, she kicked him out as he was seeing me again. She hates me.
So it might look like I let it happen when intact I felt I had no choice. His name is on the tenancy.
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I am glad you are finding replies helpful. Its true, it really does help to talk about anything thats worrying you providing you can find a safe place to do that.
As for your mother also suffering abuse, sounds like all through a long marriage, I am sorry to hear this, but, as you know, its not easy to escape from, and she shouldn’t blame herself. The only one at fault is the abuser. Its their behaviours, abuses, gaslighting, all of it, serves to bind a woman into a place where she feels defeated, exhausted, helpless to challenge and needing additional support to be able to put the things in place needed to be free of it. Its complex and hard, but its not her fault, bless her.
I am sorry that you have suffered throughout your life, but I really hope that you will now find it in yurself to take some steps towards being free of him again. You’ve done it once, and I hope that your appt really helps and finds you a way to move forward, be free of pain and free of the abuse too.
Small steps lead to bigger ones. Keep strong and keep talking. Good luck with your assessment (if thats the appropriate way to put it?!)
warmest wishes
ts
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You’re seeing more and more, this is where you’ll find your strength. Abusers are rarely there for us in times of need. I remember having a pet in emergency care out of town having been knocked down and a sick baby in A&E the same day, as well as needing to sort other child all at once and where was he – in the pub with his mate texting me nasty messages like yours saying get others to help knowing you wouldn’t. They do the bare minimum of saying ‘I’m there if you need me’ to tick that box that messes with our head and makes his story plausible to others. I hope you feel better soon, you are stronger than you realise xx
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Thank you both so much it really helps you are so kind and understanding.
You have had very difficult times too but I must remember and remind my mum too that it’s the abusers fault not anyone else. I have said this to her a while back but I will reassure her again as she was only today going over things from the past. That the reason I left home so young was to escape the abuse from my father. I was single snd pregnant as I had gone off the rails.
Sadly I just see myself the same as her and I swore I would not ever be this way.
How do you break a cycle you’ve lived your whole life?
Still no offer of financing help for my appointment and that’s made be resentful to him.
He knows I’m in pain he says he can see what’s wrong and that I need the treatment but he hasn’t discussed this with me in anymore detail.
I haven’t handled it well and he comes in from work picking on food as I cook our meal then saying he’s not that hungry. I got cross and spoke my mind about this and that he could help tidy up as he can see I needed support. I was told I’m being nasty unreasonable and expecting too much as his work leaves him exhausted.
No cuddles or anything kind from him. It’s how it is unless he wants something then he will help me so he knows I will get to bed earlier suiting him.
I just except this as normal, I see things get cross, frustrated, think about getting away and then go back to what is normal to me. Will I ever snap out of it?
I’m going to start my journal again.
Best wishes
Cb x
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Dear CB
you are already far more further forward than your mother, you have made changes, as difficult as that has been. You became aware when you were growing up that it was wrong, you recognise that its wrong in your current life, and you can see the patterns that you cycle through with him.
You are deeply unhappy about that. I think you just need some good strong support to get you feeling stronger in your convictions about dealing with what you want, as you also seem to know clearly what you want too, but just need the help to do go through with it?
Keep talking, and thinking things through, the decisions are yours, and you can express what you need when you are ready.
warmest wishes
ts
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Thank you TS I’m off for my appointment soon.
He still hasn’t mentioned how I will pay for this treatment but mentioned I looked worse today as he left.
I am trying to get my head around this.
Is it really financial abuse/control or should I do more to be independent.
I can borrow from my grown up kids and I do have a credit card. Not sure how I’d pay it back especially with Christmas coming too.
My dad would never leave my mum in this position.
I also mentioned Christmas to my husband and extra expenses food and so on and asked if he would help he got awkward and avoided it implying he gives me enough. This is my mum and dad.
He is intending on spending hundreds on Christmas presents.
Am I expecting too much am I scrounging? Perhaps I should be working but I’m a carer, and there’s my health and do in and he won’t help with childcare.
I’m stuck as to what I should do and what’s right or wrong
Cb x
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I opened up to my brothers and one of them rung my parents who’ve offered to pay.
I couldn’t ask and am upset I’m stressing everyone out my parents are old and unwell.
My brother is beginning to understand how difficult this is and has always been very fond of my husband. Regardless.
I have since had a message from my husband wishing me luck still but no offer of help
My parent said that I should separate and support me entirely which is really comforting.
I said I don’t know why I see all this and am not compelled to act on it?. I find excuses I guess rather than facing things.
My mum understood this statement entirely
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Hi CB
Thats brilliant news, finally! You must have some hope to be out of pain once you have ths treatment?
They are your parents, your brother obviously cares too, and is worried about you to have raised this with them. Like you, as a parent, they want to help their children, or at least your mother and brother do, as you have mentioned abuse from your father, but maybe he’s been shamed into agreement, who knows, but you have the money.
As far as your financial concerns with your now partner again after forcing his way back in the home, that was abusive when it was doen against your will, because he’s completely ignored your thoughts, feelings and needs.
It does seem like you are financially dependent upon him, but I assumed you managed before he returned?
Obviously food costs go up considerably with another adult in the house, and he should pay his share of that, including his part of the rent/energy costs, etc.
Based entirely on the way you speak about it though, you are unhappy with him there, he is abusive to you, he doesn’t meet your needs from a relationship, and you feel he is uncaring. There is nothing there to convince me you should be putting any effort into this relationship other than to separate from him, just based on what you say, that he sounds abusive, and doesn’t treat you well.
I hope your treatment may be soon, and you will surely feel stronger and better once you are out of pain.
warmest wishes
ts
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Thank TS your messages are so supportive and means a lot.
You are right I did manage financially without him. I did up until he moved himself back home. I am glad you explained it as you did where it was abusive for him to do that as regardless of my thoughts feelings or anything I had said he did what he wanted. He told me his mum was kicking him out, but they have never fallen out. He has kept us apart since so I have not asked her outright nor do I think I would as our relationship is not good. He manipulated the situation and had the money to go buy or rent privately somewhere rather than come here.
He does pay some larger bills since he moved back as I lost tax credits when he came back which I relied on hugely. I pay some bills still too so I’m doing my bit. He pays for food but it’s on,y just enough and I have to ask.
(Detail removed by Moderator). He heard but it fell on deaf ears, I don’t know what to make of this but a guess is he doesn’t believe that I have no extra funds or he is manipulating me by choosing how he helps either way it’s not nice.
He (detail removed by Moderator). I bit my tongue but felt hurt. Perhaps I should be expressing myself more or perhaps it would be natural for him to just simply he,p me?
He’s being as nice as he can now
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Hi Chocolatebunny,
Sorry to say your situation feels very familiar, especially the financial/pain stuff. I also have a painful condition, there’s not much treatment I can get to help but he would ignore or dismiss anything I wanted to try. Then later showing me expensive trainers/clothes etc
I have not long left him, and I’ve tried several times before. This time feels different as I’m focusing on me instead of him, and I have some support. I’ve been wobbly, but I haven’t contacted him yet.
Hoping you can get away and find some peace soon x*x
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