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[Darkclouds321]

You hide so much from everyone and even from yourself when your going through it.
I am only now remembering the bits and piecing them together like a puzzle.

Like the checking my pants after returning from work and questioning me alint with
Constantly accusing me of cheating.

I thought there were no warning signs but there was.
At the beginning he made comments (detail removed by moderator). He brought that up the whole entire relationship. Clung onto it desperately to have something to blame on me, something I did wrong. Which it actually wasn’t wrong.

It started when I was (detail removed by moderator) pregnant with shouting, putting holes in my doors. By then it was too late, I was trapped. Not able to leave because he knew I didn’t want to be a joke and feel like a failure. I didn’t want another baby alone
Then came the shouting in my face calling me names, going on and on at me. I phoned the police for the first time these times I snapped and threw (detail removed by moderator) not purposely at him but because it hit him (detail removed by moderator)
I now think he is using that to accuse me of being the abuser
Next came the punch  (detail removed by moderator). The massive bruise. He did that (detail removed by moderator).
After that things happened fast and frequently.
My child was born,  (detail removed by moderator) old. He was raging, terrifying pinned me down in the bed whilst holding baby and strangled me. I have never been so scared in my whole life, tiny little baby trying to save and protect.
He denied it, denied he strangled me (detail removed by moderator). I even have the texts wheb he did it. He would never apologise in person only by text.
Then came ripping my hair while I hold the baby, nights I’m awake checking all night they are alive after one of his incidents.
It was regularly strangling, throwing things, smashing things. Hurting my elder child and (detail removed by moderator).
It’s sick and yet he still lies, still denies abusing me, still blames me as a abuser.
The last time for me was when (detail removed by moderator) and he strangled and kicked me. I wasn’t brave enough to leave till a few weeks later.
I woke up and after another accusation of cheating I was done. I couldn’t take anymore. I told him calmly (detail removed by moderator).
He tried to involve me in a argument I ignored him (detail removed by moderator). Then he picked the Baby up said (detail removed by moderator).
I went up calmly picked her off the floor said (detail removed by moderator). That was it he pushed me down (detail removed by moderator) strangled me yet again while holding the baby. Bruised my (detail removed by moderator) pushing his fingers in. I had to leave the baby there ran down and phone the police. And that’s it. No going back. Never going back.
But there will always be a tie. I don’t like who he became. I constantly tried to make him happy. I gave him so much of me I left with nothing of me.
But I miss the days he was nice, the days he was loving, the days he was nice.
My child was ill and I emailed him to tell him (detail removed by moderator) , a instant reaction I don’t understand
I feel strong I feel I’m doing better. If I didn’t have the kids I would be gone
But how do I break the tie. How do I break the instant reaction. I don’t want to ever be anywhere near him after what he has done and even accusing me now.
He Is dangerous
He is unpredictable
Yet why do I still love him. What is there to love?

[Lisa]

Hi Darkclouds321,

Thank you for sharing with us. I am so sorry to hear of the abuse you have experienced as well as in the presence and towards your children, it sounds so distressing. If you haven’t already, you could speak to children’s services as they can help to keep your children safe in the future.

Please do keep posting when you are able to, there is support here for you from others who understand.

Best wishes,

Lisa

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