Hiding again :(

[Helovesmehesays]

I’ve been hiding in my room again all day today. My bf managed to convince me to go out for a walk yesterday, was nice to breathe fresh air. Crisis team had arranged for a meet out for coffee so i went and met her. I’d had a dream the night before. Very very real, i could see it all exactly. Me sat on the sea wall with a massive drop an lots of rocks.

I spoke to the ct about it, she understood what i was talking about. Well, she offered to drop me home, i said i’d walk as i needed to stop at the shop to get potatos. I didn’t, i got wine (i’m an alcoholic and trying recovery – not working too well)

Came home, sat in my room an drank the bottle. Decided to go get another one. Met bf in his shop for a quick chat, then arranged to meet the other bf for a walk. We ended up sat on the beach, talking an listening to music. She had to leave as was up early this morning for work. I promised i would be ok an would let her know when i got home.

I didn’t want to come home. I could see the wall from my dream from where i was sat. I just wanted to go. In the end i phoned the crisis team, cried alot, told her how i was feeling so they called the police to come take me home.

The looks i got from them and my family when i got home made me want to die. I’m pi***ng everyone off. Pushing them all away, and i can’t seem to stop it. I am just so stuck in this quicksand.

I want it to end, i want to stop hurting, i want to stop hurting everyone else, but i just don’t have the strength to go on. My head is so messed up, all i want is to block it all out. I am trying not to drink, i binge an its only been 1 time this week so far.

I don’t know that anyone can say anything i’ve not heard or said to myself already, i just don’t know what to do next.

Sorry for the long post, probably doesn’t make much sense, just can’t talk about it with anyone else at the moment 🙁

Thank you for reading x

[Helovesmehesays]

* bf = best friend!!

[Helovesmehesays]

Oh, and the police knew that i’d tried to speak to a member of his family (detail removed by moderator). I was in the pub, went out for a smoke, (detail removed by moderator). I literally asked if i could talk, got ignored so went back inside an cried.

Went out (detail removed by moderator) later an more of his family had arrived, saying they had called the police.

I didn’t go banging on doors, i wasn’t abusive, it wasn’t harrasment, we were just both in the same place at the same time! I just want to know hes ok inside, thats all i want.

The police just mentioned it, i told my version, they left.

Its all just too much. I can’t cope

[KIP.]

Hi, absolutely well done for coming on here and getting your thoughts out. That’s very positive. I don’t know how much help I can be but I can tell you I had incredible cravings to see my ex again. That stems from the abuse. From the addiction that comes with being abused. As human beings we crave what is normal for us. Even it that’s dysfunctional violence. The good news is you can overcome this. I did. Are you in touch with your local women’s aid. Have you done their freedom course? Have you read about trauma bonding? The contact you crave is with the fake him, because of the good time you had. The real him is a nasty selfish individual. Please don’t worry about him. He will be doing fine. No matter how much he plays the victim these men just don’t care. They simply keep going in their own dysfunction. He is not your responsibility anymore. No amount of loving him is going to stop the abuse or change him. Alcohol will only cloud your judgement further but you probably already know that. You have incredible strength to get this far so use that strength to break that trauma bond. Find something in your life to focus on. Volunteer to help others. Build on the positive relationships you have in your life. There is no quick fix. It’s going to take time and it’s going to be painful. But the journey is so very much worthwhile. Take baby steps and keep moving forward. Keep posting and get your thoughts out.

[Lisa]

Hi Helovesmehesays

You are doing really well reaching out for support on here and to your crisis team, I can hear how much you are suffering at the moment.

It is really normal to want to know how he is and you are probably still coming to terms with the relationship being over as it happened so suddenly.

I would encourage you to get some specialist support from your local domestic abuse service whenever you feel ready to,as KIP mentioned the Freedom Programme is a good source of support and some local services offer specialist DV counselling. If you can’t find your local service through the link, do contact the helpline on 0808 2000 247 and they will be able to give you numbers for all the DV services in your area.

Its an incredibly hard time at the moment, but you are not alone, we are here to support you.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Iwantmeback]

Hello there, and welcome to the forum, taking the step you have in reaching out takes courage, it took me and everyone one of us on here a while even to take that step,you aren’t alone in this journeya💛 every day is baby steps, yes somedays you’ll feel as if nothing is worth the pain and others, days one wee glimmer of hope, maybe from something someone had written on here, maybe going fir that walk again. It’s their of the hardest journey your going to take, but with support you can do it.
IWMB 💕💕

[Iwantmeback]

I believe dreams are the Universe’s way of getting our minds to show us the way forward in life.
With you sitting on the edge of that cliff, the steep drop to rocks below. That’s this journey you’re taking. Don’t see it as you wanting to end your life, it’s not. It’s the difficult choice of ending this relationship ahead that’s worrying you, and you know by jumping of that cliff you have no way of knowing how that choice will end.
For years I wanted to kill myself, tried to, just didn’t try hard enough. Not because I was useless, even at that, but because it’s the relationship I wanted/want to kill, NOT me. Nor him either, just the relationship.
Post anything and everything, we can help make sense of all the jetsom and flotsam.
IWMB 💕💕

[Tiffany]

I am sorry you are going through such a hard time. I am glad you are letting your friends in to help. Are you getting support for the drinking? My current partner (non abusive) goes to AA and finds it helpful. He said it was intimidating at first – his meeting has a lot of long term sober attenders and he couldn’t imagine being sober for more than a week or so, let alone the 20+ years that many of them had wracked up. But he stuck with it and it coming up for a year of sobriety. You might also find that it helped with the abuse withdrawal. As an ex abuse victim dating an ex alcoholic I can say that there is a reasonable overlap in the recovery and the issues that you face for both problems.

Honestly, you have admitted there is a problem on both fronts, and that is a huge step towards recovery. Just keep reaching out for help. Try and stay no contact with your ex and try and stay off the drink. Both these things feel like solutions to your feelings when you are at rock bottom, but neither are. Fortunately they get easier to resist with time away from them. You just have to get over the first hump. You can do it.

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