Hiding my feelings from kids?

[Itwastimetostopit]

My son has contact with his dad but he’s used this a few times to get son to contact me about him.

Each time I get irate with my son but it’s not fair as it’s his dad who shouldn’t be doing it.

I try explaining how I feel and why I don’t want anything to do with his dad. but it’s making me look like I’m unreasonable to my son

Most resent one he used him to try get on property.
This has unsettled me.

I don’t go into much detail with the kids as to everything going off in background. They saw enough when he got arrested but there was a lot they didn’t see.

Do I try and hide reactions? Don’t want my son to feel responsible

[diymum@1]

I think you have to be as honest with them as much as you can. im the same and at the stage you were at I wasn’t sure how to deal with all of this. Womens aid children’s worker sometimes run group work. I found this helpful and your ex cant use it as ammunition ie parental alienation because your address thing specifics (DV) I feel like ive banged on about the second lundy bancroft book the encouragement one the parenting tips in this senario are really helpful.Theres parts in it about guiding children. One of the themes is; he asks do the kids know whats going on? the answer is yes, they pick up on reactions they pick up on fear and tension. It says if their mother is getting torn down they take it in. It affects them.he says you have to stop pretending that everything is ok which the kids already know know isn’t true. trust yourself to find constructive ways to talk to them about whats happening; by opening the door to these unmentionable issues you can build closeness with your kids and help them to learn some of life’s most valuable lessons. he has said at the end ” I don’t have to pretend with my children that this isn’t happening”

he’s the expert on this I guess, I believe too being honest is the best policy i’m sure women’s aid could help you with a way to explain on there level of understanding. god I struggle to understand all of this at times! hope your ok and hope that helps at least a little xx luv diymum xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, I’d agree wirth DIY, don’t hide things from your children, you’re not protecting in the long run, and he’s only getting to hear things from his dad and then you react instead of calmly answering any questions he will have. Kids are not stupid in any way and they will blame themselves. They’re not developed enough mentally to work our emotional things, that only comes with maturity. They deal with how situations make them feel, so in order to feel better, for example,may become more secretive so as not to upset you, which will shape them into the adults they’ll become. This isn’t your fault, it’s just how emotional undeveloped brains work. The children haven’t lived so to speak, so have nothing to compare how a certain situation makes them feel so just work on feeling better in themselves.
Good luck, parenting is never easy at the best of times, throw in abusive partners to the mix and it’s totally confused city.

IWMB 💕💕

[KIP.]

I would tell them that his father knows he is not allowed to contact you. That it’s unfair on the children that he continues to use them and not respect your wishes. That he’s dangerous and unhealthy for you. You don’t need to go into detail but I think it’s important that they know it’s okay to cut abusers out of their lives. Even if it is their dad. One day they may do the same and will learn from your example. Perhaps a solicitor letter reaffirming your boundaries? Ring Rights for Women for free legal advice x

[diymum@1]

When you have a contact agreement through court , in England the can attach a clause so for example, no undermining the other parent, no abusive behaviour infront or obviously directed at the child. If they break it the penalty can be indirect contact or even nil xx

[EbonyRaven]

You could tell your son that you know absolutely, and with all your faith and love for him, that these messages are not from him, and that you know he’s been put in the position of having to say or keep it inside.

Maybe explain that although they are things that sometimes make you feel sad or angry, it is not him making you feel that way, and you do not blame him at all. That you would rather he told you than kept it inside because you don’t want that making him feel bad, and that’s why sometimes you don’t keep how you feel inside, so it doesn’t make you ill and you can enjoy the time you spend with him more.

My children’s father sent some terrible messages through them to me after we split up but I made absolutely sure they knew I understood, that I did not hold them responsible, and that they did not have to apologise to me.

[Itwastimetostopit]

I’ve tried explaining calmly how it makes me feel
And that my son is not responsible for causing that.

Thanks for your replies

[diymum@1]

What i try to tell my daughter every day is ive got your back im right behind you. This will work out, your a great kid and im so proud of you. Be open and honest on their level and they will follow your good atitudes and influence. They wont get that from him so see yourself as their island and their rockxx

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