His abuse is getting worse

[Cocomelonmum]

This is the first time I’m writing on here, really unsure where to start. The abuse was bad when I became pregnant with our second child, since then he started getting physical, it always involves his (detail removed by Moderator) which is the most demeaning thing for me, but (detail removed by Moderator) it got worse. He ran at me with his (detail removed by Moderator) again and grabbed me in such a way that my teeth inbedded into my bottom lip and my lip burst open. I feel like although I love him so much, I’m used to his company, I have no family within (detail removed by Moderator) miles & I just don’t have much option with leaving him right now, financially, physically, mentally. He’s all I’ve known since I was (detail removed by Moderator), we now have 3 kids together. I guess I just needed a rant and to get this off my chest. I don’t really have friends or family I can speak to.

[ISOPeace]

Oh Cocomelonmum, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. It sounds really awful. My heart goes out to you. I know that being stuck with abuse feels so painful and makes you feel powerless and weak and emotionally exhausted.

Please know that how you feel is a completely normal human reaction. Abuse is intended to keep you feeling weak and worthless so that he stays in control. He may love you in his way, but being in control is the most important thing for an abuser, which is why it won’t just stop.

Of course I want to tell you to leave him and that the reasons you have for not leaving can be overcome. But I also know how hard it is to leave, and I completely respect how you feel about leaving. So what I really want to tell you is that even though you feel like you can’t leave now, you will not always feel like this. Right now leaving might seem like an impossible task but it won’t always seem that way. All of us who have left felt like you to some degree but we managed to leave.

Educating yourself about abuse can be incredibly helpful. It can help you see that focussing on him is futile and can help you put your energy into building yourself up to feel able to leave. I would recommend Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft, which you can find free online. Reading this forum and posting are also really helpful. I’ve gained so much strength from the wonderful ladies here both before and after I left. Well done for reaching out here. It may not feel like it, but it is a sign that you’re loosening the grip that he has on you. Sending lots of love and strength your way xxxx

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome. Please contact your nearest women’s aid for help. And report this to the police. Abuse always gets worse and what he’s doing is also child abuse. Abusing a mother directly impacts on the child. Abusers are liars. Have you spoke to a solicitor about what you’re entitled to if you leave the marriage? Most offer free initial advice too. Start keeping a secret journal of his behaviour and reporting it to you GP. Great evidence if needed. Abuser make us reliant upon them. Or make us think we are but there’s lots of help out there x

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel… Cocomelonmum,
I second what ISOPeace has said so beautifully.
Leaving would of course be the best thing to do, but it isn’t usually as easy as just doing it and us saying it wont help you.
You do of course need to leave as this is not love … love is kind and gentle and caring and believe me this situation has no chance of getting better and will probably only get worse.
As ISOPeace said you need to start to focus on you. What are your options? Everything might seem bleak now, but look for the light, the positive.
With lockdown easing could you arrange a trip to see your family and start to put together an escape route?
Have you spoken to someone at the domestic abuse helpline … again they may be able to point you in the direction of some exit routes?
You need to start to do this to safe guard your children, although he may not be hitting them, the effects of what are going on in your home WILL effect them.
Work on finding your strength, standing back in your power and as ISOPeace says this will then lead you to leaving.
I have felt like you, that there was never going to be a way out but after I put in a lot of self love work and strengthened my boundaries I left and now have a new life that is happy and free … I and a lot of woman on here are proof that this CAN be done.
Use any pocket of time you have … even when you are in the bathroom to strengthen your self love and self worth … affirmations like … I am deserving of a loving and safe home. Look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself a smile, tell yourself you are going to be OK … even look up at the sky and know you have the strength of the universe on your side and we to are all looking up at it to.
I always recommend listening to or reading Louise Hay … You Can Heal You Life
Stay in touch on the forum, you are not alone
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Hawthorn]

Hi cocomelonmum,
Just wanted to add my support. You are so brave to reach out here, and stronger than you know. You would not be capable of enduring this abuse if you were not incredibly strong, however low you may feel at the moment. You do not deserve this horrific mistreatment and it is not your fault. Your abuser would treat any partner he had this way, it is his way of being in the world.
I’ve been there, in that dark place, feeling so alone. Abusers isolate us from our friends and family so we feel trapped, as though we cannot leave. You are not alone. We are here and your GP and women’s aid will support you. Keep reaching out. Sending love and light xx

[Eggshells]

Hi cocomelonmum,

I am so sorry to hear about what is happening to you.

Well done for reaching out on the forum and having the courage to talk about what is happening to you. You are clearly a very brave woman, even if you can’t feel that bravery consciously, it is burning away inside you.

Please do google “traumatic bonding betterhelp”. Skip past the ad and click on the title “What abusers hope we never learn about traumatic bonding”. This might help you to understand one of the reasons why you might feel you can’t do without him.

If anyone asks you about your lip, please don’t lie to them, you may regret it later. It is fine just to say that you would prefer not to talk about it.

I completely understand that you don’t feel that you can leave him. You have more resources and more help available to you than you might realise. If you feel able, please do contact your local domestic violence charity. They won’t tell you to do anything but they should be able to help you to understand your options and offer emotional support.

It’s good that you have found your way to the forum. The ladies here have a vast, collective knowledge and understanding and they are very supportive so please do keep posting. Sending hugs. xx

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