24th June 2016 at 11:19 am #19980
I have been assigned a risk assessment officer who’s a Pc. Apparently she has to come out to me every week or other week while this is going on. She comes to check I’m ok… I was genuinely surprised at not being assigned… I genuinely thought they’d brush this all off and not believe me.
He was due to report back to the station this week and I had been gearing myself up to find out if would be charged or not.
When this all started I genuinely didn’t want him charged. I even said sorry to the woman over the phone when I called the police after he’d attacked me… I called them because I was injured and scared he’d come back yet because of his prolonged mental abuse- I was worried I was wasting their time and that I was over reacting or to blame!!
The police were amazing and I made the statement. I said I didn’t want him in trouble or to lose his job but since his bail conditions meant he has not been allowed to contact me- this is the fist time in years that I have had time to think without him in my ear. It is the longest time is so many years that we have not spoken. I have read three books, started getting somewhere with my counselor and I am finally starting to see what he has been doing to me for all this time. I am by no means cured. He’s destroyed me and made me a shell. I think I have ptsd because I panic and I’m reduced to tears and feeling scared at things that remind me of him. And if I hear one little tiny thing that may suggest he isn’t an abuser I’m rite back to all the self doubt, but all this reading- it’s making sense. I’m ashamed that I allowed him to do so much… He’s physically, mentally, financially and sexually abused me and all of it I let happen because I thought it was me that was not normal. I apologized to him for my existence… So now that I am starting to see this and realize so much of what he’s done- I want him charged!!!
Not just because I feel he deserves to for what he did to me but because if he’s not- I’m so scared that the self doubt will set in again and that I will feel no one believe me.
So anyway- his bail has (detail removed by Moderator) They took his phone when he was first arrested because I had told them in my statement that he had told me he recorded me (he did this to prove I’m crazy). They say if he did record me it will prove that he was the one not allowing me to leave… So I hope he did.
(detail removed by moderator) it’s possible that they have found other things on his phone that they need to look into or they have something on him… Either way, he says this proves that they are really trying to gather enough on him for it to stand up in court. I guess this is positive in that case. I really thought that they would believe his charm and lies…. But this suggests they are actually taking my statement seriously doesn’t it??
24th June 2016 at 11:52 am #19981godschildParticipant
Hi, I am so so thrilled for you that you have a good PC who who has seen the truth and hopefully he will get charged and you will really be able to see that it is him, will pm you later x*x
24th June 2016 at 12:18 pm #19985AyannaParticipant
Yes, Starmoon! This is brilliant! The police is marvellous. They were the only ones who were always by my side when I went through the criminal court hearings.
Police is well trained about domestic abuse. Once in their claws an abuser cannot get out so easily.
The problem are the judges in the courts.
I was like you. I tried to protect the abuser. It took me quite a number of months away from him before I admitted to myself that he is a monster. He tried to get me arrested and started a nasty divorce battle. Once I realised who he really is I fought him and he got a conviction. It is a stupid conviction, thanks to the brainless judges, but at least he got something on his DBS check for life.
24th June 2016 at 1:39 pm #19991
Thank you for your replies. This is how low my resolve is….
As I said if I have such little self beliefe that the smallest thing can have me feeling it wasn’t abuse and I was the problem. My health visitor refered me to some service that apparently do causes to teach us to recognize and help with the effects of abuse on children…. Something like that.
But I can’t do that. And the instant the women on the phone told me about the course I felt responsible. I have this huge guilt that my children have seen me a crying emotional wreck. It’s me they have seen that way not him. I have tried so so hard over the years to hide my tears or to not react and to keep it together when he’s left me. But once our baby was here I couldn’t hide it or hold it together any more. So my eldest daughter did see me at my worst. And now I feel I am the bad person- a bad parent for not being stronger. I see it like this- he has physically assulted me.. And even if he chose to do this every single day but my children didn’t witness it. If I were to be upset and emotionally effected by this- I am the one who has to get help to learn to hide it from my children. I don’t understand- I don’t need parenting classes I need help to believe my own feelings are important and I shouldn’t let him walk all over me. This just makes me feel that my feelings aren’t important and that I should’ve just taken it all because then my children wouldn’t have suffered :,(
25th June 2016 at 12:14 pm #20056AyannaParticipant
You are a good parent, because you left him. You did not accept what he did to you and ended it.
Those professionals do a lot of victim blaming. They have no idea about domestic abuse.
What is so wrong when your child sees you crying? I saw my mother crying when I was a child. Life is not all happy and cosy. Of course they will not forget this, but we are all only human. When they know the cause it will make sense for them and they will also learn from this for their own lives.
It does not help when they crush you. You need people who build you up and help you to be strong in order to face life in this cruel world.
26th June 2016 at 1:50 am #20105
Officially split up?! He’s been arrested for assaulting me- police witnessed this happening! (detail removed by Moderator) I am suffering ptsd…. Officially split up seems an insensitive question to ask when most of us on here are trying to find the strength and validation to move on. Why the ‘official’ status of the relationship even relevant? (Detail removed by Moderator) No matter how much I may have annoyed him or him me- I didn’t deserve what I have been subjected to. I came on here to be reassured of that… Yes we are officially over! The tjougnt of him contacting me again literally fils me with dread
26th June 2016 at 8:24 am #20114HealthyarchiveBlocked
Oh dear, i am so terribly sorry for offending you Starmoon, it was completely unintentional on my part. I have not been fully following your posts, and I was really just trying to find out what your situaiton is so that I can get a clearer picture of your situation so that I can help if i can. I do apologize.
If you have split up, gone your seperate ways, he has been arrested etc, I have found the best thing over all by far is for you to have No Contact. This gets you into a better place in the future to think more clearly. When I was last with my ex, it was not clear if we had split up or not, he was just treating me badly. When we had actually officially split I was able to deal with it better as I was clear about the position. I wish you all the best.
26th June 2016 at 8:58 am #20120shine bright 2Participant
Your posts really touched a nerve for me. My ex us also on bail (detail removed by Moderator) . I recognise so much of what u say….it is really hard. My oldest daughter is getting some specialist councelling after she wrote a.letter in english about how she would kill people witha big knife. Normal kid letter in the most horrific language and description of real events. I was really reistent to working with childrens services but i can see even my kids are angry and upset. I feel so guilty that they have seen the moat awful.things….and yes i cry and break down in front of them too. Ive only just stated to see what i was in…. i have watched the look of horror on the faces of hardened proffessionals when i tell them what he did. What seemed normal isnt anymore. I watched the news about that killed his daughter and i thought the mem was responsible too…but then i rememberes how long i had stayed with him….even though i could see he was damaging the kids.unlike your kids mine were witnesses and victims… but we are not responsible…he chose to beat me in front of them….he is responsible. I felt the most terrible guilt about staying…but i wasnt the one who kept a belt in the cupboard…used on all of us.Starmoon u r not responsible for his actions….but u can continue to do what u r doing and show ur kids there is another way …because u r strong. Take care
26th June 2016 at 9:03 am #20123shine bright 2Participant
I get how u feel childrens servicea have said im a great parent to all my kids…but they are on
Child protevtion plan…i guess i know im not strong in standing up to him. I need to learn that so i can show them. I know ur kida didnt see stuff…but maybe if you learn about and show them about healthy relationships in life thats a good start for them…i would sie rather than let my daughtera have a marriage like mine.
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