His continued contact reopens trauma bonds and cognitive dissonance

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

I was just thinking about something today and thought ‘I’ll post it on the forum’ because you awesome ladies always get exactly what I mean when other people who haven’t experienced abuse don’t quite get it even though they often want to help.

So, since leaving my abusive relationship my ex has periodically got in touch with me through various means which I always ignore. He seems to have a schedule going on of when to contact me because each time it’s been on the same day of the week. I was advised by two different domestic abuse organisations to report him to the police since it’s technically harassment, so I have been compiling evidence but haven’t gone to the police yet because a)I haven’t finished getting the evidence in order yet and want it to be clear, b) He’s a pathological liar and highly manipulative so I’m scared of him seeking revenge on me in some scary way and c)I was hoping he might just leave me alone.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that since he last got in touch after initially feeling scared, my attitude has changed in a way that worries me. I find myself checking the blocked messages and calls folder on my phone repeatedly several times a day to see if he’s called or messaged, HOPING that he has tried to contact me! Him contacting me seemed to bring everything back and made me miss him and feel very sad and lonely again. I’m so embarassed to admit this but I’ve noticed that I get a kick out of him contacting me and part of me crazily hopes he will continue, when the other part hope he will leave me alone and is scared.

What is that about? This guy is scary and creepy so it doesn’t make sense. But I’m thinking it is:

– trauma bonding
– the fact that I’m extremely lonely
– the fact that I’m craving male attention and am finding it hard being single again and his contact is like a hit of a drug
– general low self esteem and wanting attention, love, validation and mistaking his contact for this

I am now assuming he is contacting me exactly for this reason – to make it hard for me to move on, to trigger nostalgia and loneliness and longing, to reopen the trauma bonds in me, to ultimately continue his control. Basically he’s sort of love bombing me again isn’t he, because even though his calls and messages are blocked my phone logs then so I can still see them. I also recovered photographs of us for my evidence file, but as suspected they made me feel sad and nostalgic and they give me huge cognitive dissonance about who he is because in the photos he looks so sweet and lovely and gentle and kind, it’s hard to believe that I am planning on reporting this guy to the police.

So what should I do about it? Apart from this I have been doing well taking steps each day to improve my life. I’ve saved screenshots of the calls and texts and have printed them so perhaps I should just change my number now so I won’t keep checking the blocked messages folder?

It’s weighing up the balance between saving evidence for the police and trying to move on – because seeing the evidence seems to set me back, trigger me and reopen the trauma bonds.

[Serenity]

I think it’s because -although being with him is awful- it’s hard to come to
terms with the fact that these abusers didn’t care about us like we imagined they would- and him contacting you is doing ‘something’ to soothe the wound, in that it gives you a shot of weird comfort, giving you the temporary feeling that he cares.

But then reality hits, and you realise who you’re dealing with, and you feel all scared and panicky again.

Abuse confuses us- because these abusers tap into our deepest desires and vulnerabilities, play with them, and we find it so hard to come to terms with this person who is Jekyll and Hyde is really not genuine- or not the person we thought they were.

I suppose you need to think about what No Contact is for. It’s to help you move on. Any contact sets you back. Though his cintact might give you a temporary rush of hope, it brings you right back down again and you’re back to square one.

No contact is hard. It’s like weaning yourself off a drug sometimes. It’s so hard admitting that part of your life is over and is not good for you- we would like them to apologise, to say they have seen sense- but if they do it’s probably all lies and manipulation anyway.

The longer you go no contact, the more the wound closes.

[lover of no contact]

Don’t feel bad for secretly hoping for contact from him even though you know its bad for you. I did the same. For me it was all the reasons you stated but especially these 2:

the fact that I’m craving male attention and am finding it hard being single again and his contact is like a hit of a drug
– general low self esteem and wanting attention, love, validation and mistaking his contact for this.

Very well explained, your post has helped me with my longing for the contact even though I know it would set me back and as Serenity said it was only a temporary rush of hope and after I would be brought right back down and back to square one!

Good to know we’re all battling with similar.

[Houndgirl]

Your comments hit the nail on the head for me, I’m the one making contact as he left me but it is like a temporary reprieve from the loneliness.

[Anonymous]

Hi sunshine rain flower. This is a fantastic post this sounds like me. And well explained by serenity. X

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks everyone for your replies. You’re right Serenity, the contact initially feels like it is soothing because it seems like they care for us even though we sadly know deep down that they don’t. They know exactly what to say to appeal to our vulnerabilities. It sort of re-triggers the illusion we had about them at the beginning, a happy illusion that part of our brain wishes was real because the reality is painful and horrid and scary and sad that they never cared, that it was all fake and that we are now more alone and single than ever and in my case, currently zero dating options on the horizon!

I think there is also a feeling of vindication when they contact us after we have left them which creates a false ego boost fluffing us up temporarily.

I must point out that I am not contacting him in any way, nor replying to him. I have blocked his number, email and social media but unfortunately he has been creating new accounts to contact me on, which I then have to block as well. He seems determined to get through my defenses and communicate with me which is abusive in itself as it’s not respecting my space nor boundaries. I did find his email funny though because he seems so lacking in self awareness and delusional (or perhaps just calculatingly manipulative). He somehow managed to make the failure of our relationship all to do with my issues which he would like to ‘help me solve’ – nothing to do with the fact that he lied, cheated, gaslighted, made everything my fault, was aggressive and threatening and hurt me physically – no apparently that was all in my head!

I will change my number soon but my work email is public and I can’t change it. It’s going to be hard to block him on everything if he is that determined, unless the police can stop him. I am hoping that with police involvement he will back off as I’m hoping that he won’t want to lose his job and nice guy public image by getting arrested. I will just have to take that step and see what happens I guess, whilst continuing to protect myself as much as possible.

Thanks for your support, I’m so glad this forum is here 🙂

[KIP.]

Yes, speak to the police. They can make a warning official. That might be enough for him to back off. Also, by contacting you, he’s keeping himself in your thoughts and distracting you from moving on. Keep all evidence. At least speak to the police for your own safety. When I blocked and ignored my ex, his anger built up. But it was already there, that’s why I blocked him. Ring the helpline and domestic abuse police for advice.

[Author]

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