22nd May 2016 at 10:51 pm #17802
I was progressing so well hence why try to only offer support but today my friend from old town told me ex is in a toxicated way again and crying about his scenario, my friend only told me so I would realize I made right decision leaving him, but why when even after speaking with him (removed by moderator) and I felt nothing and was able to disccuss what needed to be discussed and then ended call without any guilt, was in total control, why today am I thrown of guard hearing he was looking un recognizable, just crys to who ever will listen to him. And here was me thinking I would ask kids if they want to send him a card for fathers day as I thought he was changing, I knew he’d never give drink up , but (removed by moderator) when he apologized for what he did, and yes for once he was genuine and sincere about the apology and accepted we was over , why has this news unsettled me
22nd May 2016 at 11:33 pm #17804SerenityParticipant
Because your feelings for him in the marriage were deep and genuine, and it takes a lot to kill those feelings off.
It took me being exposed to tonnes of his post-separation abuse to lose feelings for him.
I think I imagined that he was helpless and lost and that I should somehow rescue him. I kept telling myself that maybe he wasn’t all bad- just lost.
However, my ex told me he was ‘lost’ when I first met him, yet they didn’t stop him from calculatedly setting out to wreck me and damage our children. Lost he may have been, but he still had the power to destroy.
Your ex does have issues. That is why he turns to drink, that is why he hit you, that is why he is now crying. He is a mess. But who are the tears for? The drink is to stop him from feeling difficult emotions and to face reality; the violence towards you was to purge himself of his own anger; the tears he now sheds are now apparently for himself, for his own situation. Everything he does is focused upon himself.
If he had focused upon you and your kids all along and your needs, he wouldn’t have drunk and been violent. His sense of love and responsibility towards you would have motivated him to behave better. But these abusers are either too weak or too horrible- or both. It’s all about them.
You gave so much to him, so much love, so much forgiveness, but did this giving nature of yours motivate him to change before? No.
I seriously believe that if we allow them closer to us again, they will only disrespect us again and hurt us. It’s good for abusers to experience us being tough and going no contact. It’s the only way they will learn. Kindness and forgiveness teaches them nothing. It is wasted on them.
You are unsettled because you are a good and kind person. But you deserve peace and freedom now. He is an adult and needs to sort himself out. Maybe this is just what he needs.
23rd May 2016 at 12:04 am #17805
THxs for reply, gosh u r spot on everything u have had said, I just hope his ok and sorts himself out, prob wont but your right I tried, I cant do anything else . hope u ok too
23rd May 2016 at 12:44 am #17815
I just wish I could get him out of my head,im gonna be shattered in morning but I cant stop thinking of him and the scenario his in, I’m sitting here thinking maybe I pushed him this far, I kmow me and kids had to get away from him to protect ourselves, could his family of given up on him? I just don’t know, is it bad to think now they know how hard it is . I look at my eldest and think of ex. my son has me to support him, who does the ex have, maybe he would break if he dealt with his issues of seeing all the violence he saw in his childhood, maybe his brother is still abusing him,
I know am gonna have to force myself to not make any contact with him or his family , I just wish I didn’t have all this concerns, his family r prob just cursing and blaming me anyway, my mind is just keep overthinking
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