His insecurity is driving me insane

[Anonymous]

It’s all wrapped up in a jokey manner but it is really annoying me! Tonight we were talking about something and I said if he wanted to do it he would have to shave every day and he’d hate that. He comes back with how a shaved man is my kind of man (?) – which to me is him insinuating that I would prefer a smart, shaved man over him! It’s just so stupid and I don’t even reply to the messages anymore as I’m not giving him anymore fuel by getting upset/angry. I feel like he’s insecure and he wants reassurance – which wouldn’t be so bad if he would just come out with that rather then making me out to be the bad guy. Does that make sense?

He’s also said (again!) that he thinks I’m getting attention from someone at work and that I’m working more to avoid him? Errrr what? I’m working more shifts to put food on the table!

Anyone else have these issues? Am I overreacting?

TTMO

[Anonymous]

I know that what I’ve written isn’t a big deal, or at least doesn’t sound like a big deal but it’s all the time! Backhanded accusations it feels like – all expressions of his insecurity. They range from asking me when I am divorcing him to asking me if I fancy certain men as they would be able to satisfy me better etc. I feel like I have to deny even finding celebrities attractive (who doesn’t find certain people attractive – especially when they are out of our reach?) because he will just go on and on about it all the time!

I have to add that this isn’t the only issue we have, it’s just the one I am finding the hardest to deal with tonight.

TTMO x

[godschild]

Hi, Ive had this sort of talk , telling me what type of man I like , and what I would have prefered,you are not over reacting at all it is tiresome when they say this type of thing, they pick upon any small thing and harp on about it.
hugs xxxx

[Anonymous]

Thanks godschild. I know he’s not being violent like some of the poor women on here have to put up with but its hard for me to deal with. I’m a loyal and loving person, weight, genital size, bank balance, car driven – none of that matters to me, in fact I pride myself on judging the person by their actions and personality rather then how much they weigh or earn. Maybe that’s why he does it? Because it makes me feel as though he is questioning my ability to follow my principles?

TTMO xx

[Herindoors]

Hi Timetomoveon. Mine did this constantly as well. He needed so much reassurance that a lot of time I would just make stuff up. For example he would ask if his ‘junk’ (sorry I don’t know what word I am allowed on here!) was the biggest I had ever had. I had no idea, I didn’t care, but I knew what the right answer was. He would ask how handsome he was (what like a percentage or something !?!). He would accuse me so often of liking someone at work that I would just stop talking about men at work at all – there was no point. His work is a particular skill set and very competitive. He would create something and wobetide you if you didn’t just say it was amazing, even if honest feedback would have helped him develop and improve. It was endless and it is exhausting. I think it effects us more than we realise. After we broke up I realised how angry I was about never being able to be honest with him and I was angry at myself for not being honest. I also realised that over the years it has made me less honest with other people because I am scared of repercussions (although of course there aren’t any when you are dealing with normal people).

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

There behaviour can get annoying , mine used to accuse me of sleeping around too, call me a greedy b**** for working hard even though it used to pay bills and debts off, it is there insecurity, i gave up responding, my scenario was a lot worser as he was very violent so yes eventually after (detail removed by moderator) decades i left, dont waste time or your life like me, get support to walk away from realtionship, emotional abuse is just as bad

[KIP.]

Hi there, what you’ve written really is a big deal. This is exactly how my abuser began. Constantly saying how my boss fancied me. Jokingly at first, then really nastily. Then when I complained he said I was too sensitive or I couldn’t take a joke. Making life difficult when I worked late or had to go away with work. Leaving all the housework and shopping for when I got back. Then complaining the house was a mess. His goal was to make my working life so uncomfortable, jealous of my happiness and of my having my own life. My self onfidence and self esteem hit rock bottom, I became so drained and mentally ill, I had to give up my work and stayed home, looking after him. Number one. But the abuse still continued. Constantly moving the goal posts. Belittling friends and family. Making it not worth me meeting my friends. Slowly he isolated me. The abuse and control became worse over the years, trapping me financially and eventually becoming violent when he began to lose control. Remember abuse is about control and will only get worse. Ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship. Your partner should nourish your abilities, be considerate, encourage you. If you allow him to continue, you will lose yourself. Become a shell of the woman you are now. Don’t try to change him, once an abuser always an abuser x find someone to love you for who you are. You deserve better x

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much Herindoors, Confused123 and KIP. Reading that this behaviour hasn’t just affected me makes me feel so much better (and worse in a way too). It’s really hard for me to get on here so thank you so much for replying to me.

The whole thing with emotional abuse is that so many of the little things sound so stupid when you say them to someone who has never experienced it – they don’t always see the bigger picture or understand why you don’t just tell the abuser to shut up or just ignore it. There’s so much more too it and it’s the way they condition you to feel. Even after everything I still defend him, I still hope he can be a better man and I try not to let him see when he is making me cross. I shouldn’t be worried about letting him know he has angered me, he has no fear in letting me know I’ve annoyed him!

Sigh xx

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