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I am so confused, away after years of abuse, I still don’t understand anything about him, although together years it was like we were never together. First 3 months intense, him too heavy too fast & that scared me, I called it off but he persisted & wouldn’t let Go, said now that he’d found me He wasn’t going to lose me! But from then on he very much talked about life as if even if I was with him years, as he’d put it for life, if something happened to him, then all he had would go to his family (he had no kids & despised his family) everything about life was for his own gain. He once tried to force me into getting a life insurance policy saying he would pay for it a joint one, I said no, why would he need money if I died? Back then it did not make sense, I earnt a pittance, he earnt a lot of money, if I died why would he need a large pay out to survive? He wouldn’t. Plus I’d said if I ever could afford life insurance it would go to my son, he was furious. Just everything he did, how he acted like he owned me, Like I was just an object & not a person. I Look back at his abuse on every level and think I will always feel terrified. After that initial first 3 months the abuse started, approx every 2-3 weeks, it got so it became daily. Never once did he say sorry, no love bombing, only once told me he loved me. My only ever honeymoon period was no scoldings, rantings, Just calmer. I always knew when the next onslaught was due. The last few years he upped the control & the abuse heightened, I became more & more as afraid of him. He never beat Me black and blue, only on the inside! I just can’t get my head around any of it at all, He was vile about women in general, only ever swarmed towards rich women (me I was broke when he met me broke when escaped) The whole time I was with him he was a pathological gambler. I am now thinking did he pick me as a target as he knew how powerless I was to escape? That once lived with Him he could treat me exactly how he wanted and there was nothing I could do about it, except survive & live in fear of him. I’ve ended up having a Major breakdown and the aftershocks of all those years have effected me dreadfully. Just wish I understood. If he hated me why was he ever with me. I’ve learnt since getting away that his abuse was severe, how did I live like that, why did I not realise until I was so seriously ill with my nerves that I was barely functioning as a human those last couple of years. Now I have so little strength left, fight to get through each day, major breakdown which leaves me totally exhausted unable to do the simplest of things without feeling shattered. I know it is baby steps, some days I feel I’m Barely crawling. Today was a really bad day, my anxieties were severe, I felt dizzy & sick & the room span, migraine & physically sick too. That’s how I was the last couple of years there, so terrified I’d started being physically sick too, migraines & all the physical symptoms of anxiety when it really takes hold xx
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Morning BB have faith in yourself, these abusers are unfathomable!
It’s not for us to figure them our, although we try because we cannot understand how, just how did all this happen? I know where your coming from.
It’s a series of events that mount up to form an abusive situation, orchestrated by them, systematic chipping away at our self esteem assertion confidence, what makes us tick.Love bombing is a tool to get an inside our head, find out where the boundaries are, if any. They throw in the first explosion followed by hoovering…we are confused who said what?
Was it me, they are saying it was, uncertainty breeds confusion.
Chipping away, we don’t realise what we are in at all..what is coming next?As it’s usually behind closed does, it’s a world they create, based on all the bad things about themselves, not us. We are the opposite of their negative, they want to dominate and control that, whatever way they can financially emotionally physically.
The bully who dominates to get a sense of self, self importance at the expense of the woman, they see as weaker, and can be ignored, silenced, mistreated, kept in her place.
When I used to fight back, I’d say why when you can do what you like how you like when you like, (meaning you have it all on a plate a nice life nice partner good job, money etc)do you explode with such uncontrollable anger and violent actions towards me? in the moment he’s say, because I can, I just did it and you can’t stop me…there was no powerful enough deterrent…the next day of course it would all be ‘forgotten’ twisted ‘we are both as bad as each other’ until the next time.I know exactly where your coming from Blueberry don’t ever think it was you, focus on your positive character that has escaped all that with your integrity intact. That’s got to be better in every way, your a real human being with spirit and a good heart. Big Hugs
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Hi Cuppa I know you are exactly right in what you are saying, he did do what he wanted, when he wanted & how he wanted too, the opposite of what he’d told me & my now adult son to do. I used to think what a hypocrite. His driving was awful, fast, speeding, dangerous, yet mine was never, he has points on his licence, I had none. He always wore no seat belt, was always on his mobile phone whilst driving, checking emails & texts. If he ever rang when I was driving, I’d always wait for the next safe space to pull over, call him back, then he’d rant why didn’t you answer straight away. He was always getting parking tickets, then would come home & rant about it. He had 2 rulebooks, 1 for us, another for him. Even his second hand noise madness, he did stuff noisily, mobile keypad on tone, mine or anyone else’s he’d rant, actually really go into one. TV loud yet we were ranted at our breathing was too loud. He would rant after we’d had a bath, left it spotless that it was full of s**m, yet when he had one he’d leave it with hairs in, used cotton buds from his ears on side. Dirty washing chucked on floor. He would even rant at the smell of food cooking, yet what he ate was weird & stank. I always got on with people, chatted, he never did, wasn’t openly friendly, he’d then cross question me say what were you talking about, what did they want, rant I talked too much, which is true my nerves are dreadful. He on every single aspect of my life dictated & ruled. He was cold, used to rant I was too caring my own fault people used me, I helped loads of people, if he ever did he’d complain. He begrudged everything he did for us, would constantly say where would we fn be if it wasn’t for him. It was like he was this God who had the right to control our lives, even down to my thinking, opinions, likes, dislikes everything about me was wrong. Said I was unappreciative, I was not but for years I’d begged him not to get things as knew he’d punish me for it afterwards. I just live on the edge all the time xx
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Hi Blueberry,
One of the reasons I often respond to your posts is because you remind me of myself, and quite a lot in your relationship with your abuser resembled the relationship I had with mine. I can identify with your pain so much.
After a had left, I got a strange phone call from a company. They said they wanted to discuss my life insurance policy. They knew all my details- they asked me for a password, and it all sounded very above board.
I was in a state at the time, and told them I didn’t know anything about a policy. I asked them to call back. I wish I had taken details of who they were.
You see, I’ve written before on here how- though so can’t prove it- I think my ex was trying to lure me to a remote place to do me in, and make it look like an accident. His plans failed for a number of reasons- some very serendipitous- like fate was trying to protect me ( such as bumping into people we knew in the remote place!).
I have been like you- driving myself mad wanting to comprehend it; I spend hours reading up on abuse and scouring for information about it, trying to understand how this thing could have happened, this thing that went against all normal rules of decency, human respect and morality.
As I’ve said before, I think the stage you’re going through is a necessary though painful part of the healing process- trying to understand.
I wanted to promise you that once your mind has had enough of trying to understand, and feels ready to explode, you will start to focus less on ‘why’ and find that you start making little steps towards building yourself instead.
My abuser thought he held all the power because he knew that what he thought of me mattered to me. If he criticised me unfairly in the relationship or blamed me for things I knew I hadn’t done, I initially felt so bereft. I used to plead for ‘forgiveness’ and need his validation.
As time went on, I think it began to dawn on me that I wasn’t being treated right- that it wasn’t all my fault, that he was responsible for his behaviour, which I finally recognised as abusive. I realised that he talked rubbish. I stopped taking the blame for his behaviour and apologising for nothing. He left: the power had shifted. He needed me to tell the blame for his twisted personality, and when I stopped doing so, he couldn’t bear it.
He left, and upped the abuse with vile texts and accusations. At first, I was mortified. I tried to explain how I wasn’t guilty of what he was accusing me of. He loved it: he had me pleading again.
Then suddenly, I took stock and thought, why am trying to gain his validation again? Why do I need him to say I am an ok person? I don’t. Because he’s not an ok person!
I told him I didn’t care what he thought about me anymore. That he was abusive and I was divorcing him.
He went silent. He knew I didn’t care what the hell he thought about me. His power was gone.
You will get to a point- as I thankfully have, after a couple of years of feeling exactly how you are now- that the reasons why he is as he is won’t matter any more, or at least as much as your growth and freedom matter to yourself.
I’ve learned a lot about possible reasons why people abuse- moral sickness, insecurity, personality disorders, upbringing, culture, male chauvinism – but at the end of the day, I think a lot of different issues contribute to my ex’s dreadful behaviour.
How I clear my head from all
that information nowadays, to stop it from driving me mad and becoming overwhelming, is to tell myself in simplistic terms “He just has a foul and noxious personality. Whatever the reasons are why he is like that, the fact remains that I need to be away from him and out of his energy field.”You will get to this stage too.
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Hi Serenity I easily relate to your posts too, and all of what you have just said I look back & yes he also had all of those things wrong with him, it was like he could not relate to other people, he would watch me & them mimic my behaviors to others come out with ideas that were mine & make out a few weeks later like they were his. That was especially true with children, he had no idea how to communicate treated them as if they had the mind of an adult, would watch me treating them like children then tell me I was pathetic. My son had been severely assaulted at school then used to come home to his bullying, I would protect my son (not his) be called pathetic, yet the abuser himself a fully grown man used to run to mummy & tell tales, he was of a different culture to me, his mum treated him like a child, he abused her badly and she was terrified of him too, yet he would tell everyone his mum had told him to get rid of me, his mum when alone with me would tell me things tell me not to tell him because he would scream & shout at her, her husband and another sibling has schizophrenia, she I am 100% sure of saw in him the traits, she would relentlessly ask dies he still scream & shout at you, then hold her head in her hands and say he needs to go to the doctors! I have mentioned in other posts that he made me so ill after leaving I ended up being seriously ill myself and needed time in hospital, was around people with serious mental illness, again re trauma, was exactly like being back with him again I remain 100% certain that he is seriously mentally ill, I am not mentally ill with illness or disease, just severely traumatised by him. Xx
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Ps even down to me being seriously ill now, he had ranted down the phone I would put it on if I was you, when with him I was in such a dreadful state that I had started to be physically sick, migraines, he’d rant I was not normal as normal people went to the doctors, I have never been one to go to the doctors as know from previous experience they put everything down to your nerves plus they don’t listen to the whole story, and are not psychiatrists either, all they want to do is a quick ten minute appointment, write a prescription put for anti depressants (which made me iller) then say come back in a few weeks. I’ve completely lost faith in the medical profession. It’s all you hear nowadays, take these tablets, which only mask the problem. Xx
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They are mentally ill because they are morally sick.
We might be severely traumatised and mentally and emotionally ill for a time due to the effects of the abuse- but because we have resilience and a pure heart and normal morals, we can overcome it.
My ex was from a different culture too- I’m sure this had a part to play. It was painful watching how poorly he treated his mum, and how she craved his acceptance.
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I blame myself because I felt sorry for him, felt guilty leaving but knowing what his mum went through, right up till the end and hearing the family talk about the past, I remember thinking omg that is exactly him, exactly how he is, exactly the life I’m in. The mother I truly felt for, poor lady was years older than me, but at the same time she protected an evil son one while she knew was making me suffer tremendously. I know in the culture women are portrayed very much as they do as they are told, their duty to sexualy satisfy a man, wait on them hand & foot, that women are the lower in society, but with him there was definitely mental illness too, he was abusive outside the home, did it in public too. Xx
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Morning Blueberry..
Horrific what you have been through and are still going through and noone should ever minimise the effects this is having on your general well being. These monsters should be serving life sentences for what they inflict on unsuspecting good, decent women.
Blueberry I am a migraine sufferer too – the same numbing terrifying types that you are having. I have a mini cure to suggest to you – it’s working for me and as a member of the Migraine Community I thought it’s worth suggesting to you if you can order online or buy at any health food or high street chemist. Not a drug either so will not have any unpleasant side effects.
MAGNESIUM CITRATE Blueberry – or Magnesium in any form you can get it…taken at night..apparently nine out of ten migraine sufferers have very low magnesium levels. It is working for me. If you are not already taking this I urge to try it. It also helps you to sleep without realising it…imagine a decent sleep and no migraine…definitely worth a punt.
Sending you hugs…XX
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Hi Ilovemusic I will definitely try that, yesterday’s one was absolutely awful lasted hours, bright flashing zigzags, room spinning, Anxieties sky high, facial numbness, physically sick, was awful, I needed to get up from sitting outside, get to the toilet fast but couldn’t move for about 5 minutes, when I did I had to hold onto doors, stagger to the toilet, I don’t drink or take drugs but felt like I was drunk with the room spinning so fast around me. The spinning eased after about half an hour awful things to have xx
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Blueberry, I hope the magnesium helps, I may also try that. It’s better to get it all out on here, as I know I keep saying it, half the battle is others understanding and knowing what we are talking about!
I know about the total negligence. I said to him a few months ago before I finnally kicked him out..probably was the finale…that I had a serious problem that needed intense monitoring and tratment (detail removed by moderator)…he said, quite calmly, oh good job they found it….like I was talking about losing a sock!
Oh my nothing I read on here surprises me, sadly I/we can relate to without question. Ohhhh the rants, the boring self opinionated rants at the tv the radio the neighbours (not to anyone’s face…a total coward!!)
I’d say if you feel that strongly why don’t you do something about it? Then he’d go and stuff another pie in his big mouth LOL! Idiot that he is.
What a total waste of space time and energy!
Hey Ho at the end of the day..I’d say thank G I’m me…!
Hugs ladies Thanks for sharing! Cx
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Hi Cuppa they are cowards but still terrify me. He has completely emotionaly disabled me, I’ve never felt this I’ll in my life, I just dread everything ahead, trying to get well, Rebuilding some sort of life, will I be able to ever trust anyone again let alone life itself xx
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