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I have recently been awarded an allowance in line with caring for my abusive husband who is ill. I thought we should plan our finances but he went berserk, apparently I don’t “contribute” financially to the household. I do work part time, plus another side hustle. I literally can’t remember when he last worked, he was bone idle and too good for any job. (Detail removed by moderator). I feel so sick, that I cannot have a normal conversation about money together as I imagine normal couples do. I feel sick to my stomach.
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Dear Headspin,
I’m sorry to hear how you’re feeling. Once you are aware of the abuse and still living with it, everything can become so acute and so painful. You clearly do contribute financially, if not solely bearing the financial responsibility. Sadly in reality “normal conversations” don’t happen within an abusive dynamic, there is always something underlying, related to maintaining power and control.
If you haven’t done so already you might find the Surviving Economic Abuse website helpful, they also have a forum.
Look after yourself as much as you can,
Lisa
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Hey, I stopped trying to discuss finances with my ex as there was absolutely no point, he was so defensive about everything and would attack as a result. As he was an alcoholic, he didn’t really have a handle on finances ever, so I did manage to start saving some without him realising, which I really needed after getting out. I know how hard it is when you are shot down all the time, hope you’re ok
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Yep yep and yep again! I was the stay at home parent for our children – our youngest has medical needs so I stayed longer than initially planned and was always told how I don’t contribute to our household (seriously is the a DA manual for these men?) I received Carer’s allowance but this was always met with a scoff. Now I am working and have been for a few months, it has recently become my money and his money, are you paying for this shopping or am I? kind of stuff. When I pay he acts shocked or he wants me to make a point of buying him something when I get paid.
It is exhausting, especially once you see it! I’m just at the beginning – sending hugs!
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When i was at home with my kids if thwy needed anything id jave to dress up and have sex with him he would then leave money on the side.
I think its the reason why he hates me working now as he has no control of my tiny bit of money but since i work he has really come down on what i spend from “his” money and wont even let me turn heating on.
They all use the same tactics dont they. I guess its all about control. Xx -
Oh wow yes, yes and yes! Always his money or my money (meagre carers allowance for one of our children). I had to get a receipt if he gave me his money to buy… say some food… he would ‘sub’ me money which I had to repay, he would keep a note.
If I went out (nbumblebee, I feel your pain re sex as currency, so demeaning but I did this too).
I think they all went to the same school these men as they all sound the same.
Love to you all ❤
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Oh my god the parcel thing mine stopped paying a mediocre bill because I had parcels I never saw this as financial abuse really until recently but it went on forever he would say I buy too many and it was all stuff I needed and he went to work and I was always told this is my money you have yours but I paid most bills and groceries I still pay most groceries he only pays for his groceries not putting money towards the kids grocery bill as they eat differently I think for a while he was conning me on gas /elec
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I’m afraid to say I’ve had parcels delivered elsewhere or hidden them from him as I know sometimes (depending on his mood) if he sees me spending money on myself he will start up. I’ve been berated for buying myself certain food items before because it’s apparently ‘so selfish’ of me and that I could have bought something we both like. 🙄 There is never, ever a normal conversation for us about finances either. It’s always him trying to use something against me or demanding I give/loan him money because of something or other. I honestly cannot imagine being in a relationship with someone who is normal about money? I’ve also been told countless times in the past that I’m the stingy one, despite him pretty much always owing me money!
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Yea I’ve been called tight and also done same hide parcels and things he has threatened to stop paying bills because I spend too much on me bare in mind he works and I’m on funding with lots of children .his money is his to pay some of the bills but the rest I pay when tried to sort it out he still didn’t work it out fairly continued to say one bill is only so many pounds so it’s alright and try to say he spends more even though he spends barley anything on children in fact he spends nothing all his earnings goes abroad we haven’t even had a family holiday like normal people anything like that I pay for he may take a tiny bit of spending money but barley anything that will suffice
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Oh my goodness. I can relate to all of this. Financial abuse is such a massive trap. Every time I start saving and feeling like I have enough money that maybe just maybe me and kids could break free, he starts on me. Telling me I’m not contributing to house and I need to give home more money for house but refuses to show me bills etc. if I don’t the nastiness will start.
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Yes, hiding parcels is a big one, I have to get rid of all the evidence, wrapping etc. If I manage to buy myself something new to wear, I’ll lie about, claiming a friend gave it to me or I got it from the charity shop. It really gets me down that there is nothing normal at all about our conversations regarding finances, once he thinks he can’t control me, or I’ve asked too many questions he gets nasty. I had to buy something a couple or so years back, an item I needed. Of course I didn’t have the money, so went cap in hand to him, he lent me the money and I have had to pay him back over time, leaving me short. My friend was horrified when I told her, says it isn’t normal, I long for “normal”.
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