24th April 2016 at 8:16 pm #15176
I’ve just got my kids back in their home. The adrenaline has run out, started antidepressants which are making me feel a lot worse before I get better….just when I thought I couldn’t feel worse. Then this morning he police arrive at my door. Apparently after leaving their son and having no contact to get away I am now making nuisance phone calls to them through the night! Apparently my behaviour…i.e escaping their abusive son is causing them health issues and now I’m phoning them trying to track their son down! This is after legal fees of over 5k trying to get him away from us! The police were nice, apologetic when they saw how upset this made me. When on earth will this end and when will they leave me alone? How do I stop them? Does anyone have experience of this. Like their son they are EXTREMELY manipulative. Apparently they were very disturbed by my “obsessively looking for their son” you honestly couldn’t make it up! Sorry for rant but really how am I supposed to deal with this?
24th April 2016 at 9:16 pm #15186LilycatParticipant
Hi Escaped Not Free,
What a big headache you have to put up with- a family-sized manipulative bundle!
I have not had the exact same situation happen to me, but I physically escaped a father and adult child manipulative bundle, with in-laws who were shut-eye-in-denial. Each individual had their own flavour of abuse and blamed me for being ‘domineering’ and ‘abusive’ when I refused their psychologically violent, denier and manipulative behaviours. I am getting a divorce,currently, but throughout the process my soon-to-be ex has been manipulative (in making me somehow ‘responsible’ for embarassing him and causing distress and loneliness by leaving; he also says his child is ‘fragile and vulnerable’, so I shouldn’t pick on them); and my abusive adult stepchild (who smashed up and defecated on my belongings, and made sexist slurs, to name a few things) has taken the trouble of commuting several miles to get a job in my neighbourhood, probably just to let me know they are ‘still around’.
Unfortunately, these things can and do run in families.
From experience, I have found the following things helpful:
Do not reply to goading. Such individuals will poke you emotionally until you snap/ cry and then blame you for erratic and unreasonable behaviour. Try to act as calm and non-plussed as possible (… And when out of earshot and sight scream, cry or jump up and down to vent!). They’ll keep going for a short while but will soon give up when they find they don’t get a ‘rise’ from you.
Keep a note of the time and date of conversations, and summarise their content. Keep phone records/ itemised bills and photograph incoming and outgoing call logs if you use a mobile and if they keep calling you and/ or are sending inappropriate texts, as these will show that they are bothering you and not vice-versa. Hopefully, they’ll back off, but if they don’t you have evidence if need be.
Drop into your local Women’s Aid branch and speak to a support and advice worker, or if out of hours/ far away phone the helpline. They will log visits and calls, and if there is a pattern of harrassment developing they will guide you as to your support and legal options.
Good luck, much strength and all the very best.
Take good care
24th April 2016 at 9:55 pm #15189
Thank you for that lilycat.
This is not the first unpleasant encounter I’ve had. His father forced his way into the house to verbally abuse me while I was collecting things last time. I reported him to the police but they did nothing. My partner had given them a key so regardless of the fact he had to force entry through a locked door I was told it was a civil matter.
I just seem to be under attack from all angles. ALL I did was get away from him. He’s immediately gone and staying with another girl under the guise of being “devastated” and unable to work. There’s a non molestation order in place with a power of arrest so why on earth would I be seeking out their son after going through all of that? He stalked and harassed me by tracking me on my phone. I will start recording this though, you are right. I think I might speak to my outreach worker to get them to talk to the dv officer at the police. At the time he forced his way into house he was told it would be unwise to contact me again as it would potentially break his son’s bail conditions. So now they are making up fictitious phone calls to harass me via the police. Your right though, there’s clearly a reason why my ex is the way he is. X*x
25th April 2016 at 10:00 am #15225LilycatParticipant
Hi Escaped Not Free,
What you say does not surprise me. These people are astoundingly clever at going through loopholes and around nuances with great agility and fluency!
The role of the police is primarily to prevent damage to persons and property, and so it is notoriously difficult to police psychological and emotional abuse that is not evidently threatening the victim with a fear of violence and/or damage to property. But we are lucky to have organisations such as WA who really do take this psychological ground very seriously and offer support. I have suffered lots of emotional and verbal abuse, but none of it is enforcibly a criminal offence, even though, technically, it is an offence- coercive control. I had a horrible set of issues earlier this year and talking to a WA DV worker couldn’t change what happened, but it did give me a sense of validity which is something powerful and reassuring in itself. Sometimes such an apparently minor thing can give us the strength we need. Abusers often make us invalidate and doubt ourselves, so speaking to an advisor and using this forum to share, ask advice and let off steam will help us combat this psychological errosion.
Stay strong and safe
25th April 2016 at 12:42 pm #15238AyannaParticipant
They can easily exposed as liars. You only need to show the police your phone. Nowadays such calls can be verified. When they do not exist the other party can be taken to court for harassment. His parents walk on thin ice.
Actually, if the situation was not as it is, but you did see it in a movie, would you not laugh about the stupidity of these people? You should have made a counter report to the police for harassment. They could not get away with that. You can still do that.
Maybe the best way of getting rid of all of them would be to call the police on them for every little incident. They are old and they will not be able to cope with this stress for long. x*x
25th April 2016 at 7:27 pm #15265
I know you are both right. It would actually be laughable if it wasn’t that I was in such a low place just now. Talking to WA does help me come to terms with the fact I have been in an abusive relationship and I’m not just crazy which is how I was made to feel. I’m also now being told I was a bully and domineering and apparently had my way for far too long. His parents have serious issues clearly. The police were actually very apologetic and told me they knew this was probably the last thing I needed right now. I did insist however that they take down my phone numbers and asked this to be investigated further. They have no intention of doing so as they agree after everything I’ve been through to get away from their son why on earth would I now start trying to track him down. It annoys me though because I think it is harassment using a third party and they shouldn’t be allowed to do this. They told me to ignore it, don’t think about it again, I just felt like saying well tell them that! Don’t be turning up at my door at my children’s home bringing this nonsense to me! I know what they are like and the costly loss in court and being unable to contact me directly will be driving them INSANE. Let’s hope it just tips them over the edge!:-) x*x
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