His remorse has become almost non-existent. Why?

[Dolly2019]

I have posted on here a few times. I am getting closer and closer – possibly now at the break – where it is finally over with Him. Social Services are back on the scene after being referred by the police. I called the police after He let himself into my house and refused to leave. After baiting me about my childhood abuse by name-calling me within (detail removed by moderator) of the disclosure. He went into repentant mode for all of (detail removed by moderator).

(Detail removed by moderator) he got completely smashed and passed out upstairs. When I tried to wake him for food (detail removed by moderator) I was met with comments like (detail removed by moderator).

When I (detail removed by moderator) ask him to leave, he flew out of bed and assaulted me. In the scuffle (he put his hands round my neck and threw me around) I scratched him in defence. I told him to get out but he didn’t, claiming I (detail removed by moderator). Zero remorse. Even though he was wasted and couldn’t remember any of how it started (detail removed by moderator) he still argued against my version of events saying I deliberately started it.

(Detail removed by moderator) I told him to get his stuff and to leave. He responded with (detail removed by moderator)

No word of a lie. Even though I recounted what he had done, he kept saying (detail removed by moderator)

It had nothing to do with sex. He had been passed out for (detail removed by moderator) hours and food was ready.

He then proceeded to say (detail removed by moderator) it was over anyway.

Then he said (detail removed by moderator).

I finally managed to get him out of my house but not without taking myself and my son out to the shops so that he would follow.

He showed up again (detail removed by moderator). I needed to get (detail removed by moderator) that eh had climbed in through. He stood in my garden in the rain all day, talking at me through the glass or trying to talk to my son. I repeatedly asked him to leave. He didn’t. He finally left at about (detail removed by moderator) after verbally abusing me through the glass, calling me an alcoholic and saying I had (detail removed by moderator). He has always accused me of insane s**t.

I texted him saying it was over and to leave me alone.

I am really struggling with his responses. He said he was (detail removed by moderator) writing to me, but in a nutshell he said:

(Detail removed by moderator)

I mean, basically, a whole TONNE of blame and no accountability himself. Not only was there a lack of accountability but I feel he is cruelly taunting me. Saying after (detail removed by moderator) that he has felt (detail removed by moderator). This is a jobless guy, with no money, no prospects, living off me, in my home, day in day out, throughout Covid, never having bought me a drink except on our first date, had a (detail removed by moderator) and clothes from me, telling me that I created the drama by, I guess, standing up to him and defending my boundaries.

Is that f****d up or is that f****d up?

Then I get the threats of other women. Because I defended my boundaries and called the police, I am the bad guy and he is “falling out of love” and “am thinking about somebody else..”

I think what is really sick about this, is the awareness that they cannot truly care one jot if they can be that calculating.

They must, surely, know that spitting at a woman, calling her a w***e, accusing her of flirting with every man she meets, all of that, is going to make a woman react over time?

Such being the case, how twisted are they, then, to pin your anger and hurt back on you and say “well look at you! I can’t possible love you now, look at how you behave! You are an (detail removed by moderator). I have been trying to show you I love you. I’m here. I have only showed I care. (detail removed by moderator) You have done this!”

I believe he did this to his ex. She made threats like I did about moving on. He didn’t heed the threats or get his life together. Instead he f****d other people and let her find out. Then blamed his conduct on her pushing him away. He smugly said (detail removed by moderator).

What is going on there? Are we talking full blown NPD, or just weed-affected delusional, needs to believe, no matter what, He is in the right and fully justified in what He did?

I honestly believe they operate a mental gymnastic trick whereby, to avoid shame or culpability, they find any avenue possible to blame the victim and assuage themselves of guilt. You’re basically d****d either way. If you tolerate their abuse, you become an empty shell doormat.

If you stand up to them, as he said to me, (detail removed by moderator).
By (detail removed by moderator) he means not letting him in my house when he has abused me and taking my key back.

It’s almost like they enjoy pushing you to your limits, so they can plan their “revenge” which seems stacked purely on self-pity. It’s a mental leap that defies reason.

How can he, after throttling me and calling me names, expect me to apologise to him?

Is that a deep-rooted belief that I will take him back? Is it total and utter contempt? Is it hatred? There is not even a pretence at remorse. His apology was a loose (detail removed by moderator).

Literally blame blame blame.

I am speechless. I have blocked him completely but the hatred running through me right now is unbearable. I feel he has been mugging me off the whole time. That isn’t love. That’s a p**s take.

I am out with friends (detail removed by moderator), which he doesn’t know but if he shows up hounding me he will find out when I am out and my son is away. I don’t doubt he will mentally use that to go about finding a new bit (detail removed by moderator).

But why the complete absence of remorse? Is it because I have taken him back before? Will he likely regret any of what he has done? Have any moment of recognition? I feel deeply used and disliked by him, for being strong and having boundaries. I really do feel that my self esteem is in shatters. My mother said he would try to destroy me and then move on. I feel he has been planning this all along. Attack me, do what he does with no self-awareness whatsoever. Then when your barriers come up and you hold them away, you get shot down for having dignity and saying “No.”

And they run off and find someone else in double quick time. Supposedly I was the “love of his life” yet he said (detail removed by moderator) that if we broke up on a Monday, he would be dating again by the Friday.

What is in it for them to be so cruel? What does it serve them to punish you for existing and then hating you for standing up to them?

[KIP.]

Sadly this is just how an abusive relationship evolves. The person you met in the beginning doesn’t exist, it’s a mask he wears until he’s hooked you into the relationship then the mask slowly slips. The abuse and entitled behaviour get worse, they push And test our boundaries and knOw our weaknesses. Eventually when we stand up to them and they fear their abuse will be exposed they go all out to discredit us. Abusers are delusional liars. They gaslight us until we think we are going crazy. They are good at this game and he’s done it before and probably many more times than you know. Have you used Claire’s Law yet to ask the police if he has previous convictions? My relationship was the same, in the beginning he was full of ‘remorse’ I guess because he felt he needed that hook, by the end I guess he felt so entitled to abuse me that there was never an apology, no remorse, just turning the abuse round on me. I was frigid or didn’t listen. When I went to women’s aid and read Living with the Dominator, I was so shocked to see his behaviour written in a book. You see they’re all the same. Nasty entitled delusional controlling insecure little men. They mess with our head and are toxic. You’re doing the right thing by calling the police because abuse always gets worse and that’s in each individual relationship but also over the pattern of relationships. Putting his hands round your throat is one step away from murder and is a huge red flag with this kind of person that they’re easily capable of taking that next step. So please don’t minimise this. I know the emotional assaults and verbal assaults were way worse for me because they eat us up. We spend hours and days and weeks and months and years with the things they said, trying to make sense of them but they simply don’t make sense, they are words of a delusional liar who twists and turns and reinvents history to suit his end game. Don’t waste energy trying, he’s simply a con man, a liar and a thief. Absolutely zero contact and ring 999 if he shows up again which I believe he will. Remember that 2 women a week are killed by current or ex partners in this country so stay alert. You have every right to be angry. Anger can be good. Things get done in the angry phase so keep reporting him. Make sure you tell the police about the assaults. Get a police marker on your home and your phone and stay safe and tell your child to ring the police the minute they see him. He’s dangerous and not just to you x

[Dolly2019]

He has been love bombing for 2 days now, mixed with hateful voice messages. Flowers on my doorstep, on my back doorstep, cards, notes. Then when I didn’t let him in last night, the ranting messages about “are you for f*****g real? Do you want me to go with someone else for good?”

The usual threats. He is outside in my garden in the rain. Trying with his “I love you so much. You’re X and Y”. After trashing me and calling me frigid and “not all that” and all the rest of his insults like w***e, s**t etc.

As soon as he doesn’t get his way he gets nasty. Blaming me, the drink, the weed, everything but himself. He is as predictable as the day is long. I feel deeply sad and used. There is no remorse there, just a man who can’t be rejected. This isn’t about love; it’s about him throwing the final punch. They fear losing you and once they think they have you back, they punish you even more for daring to stand up to them. They cannot believe you have the nerve to walk away. I think he genuinely hates me, because I have been too strong for him. He hates that I have the ability to say no to him the way others haven’t. Truly, I feel he hates me. I no longer feel feminine, or soft or loveable because of what he has said to me. I feel like some little witch tat is cold and frigid and unloveable – because of what he has said to me.

I am so scared about how long it will take to regain emotional ground after this.

I’m seeing a friend tonight and I hope, I can breathe out and maybe have a silly flirt with a stranger that might make me realise there is life after this hell. But I’m not ready to meet anyone new, at all. He has killed my trust and set me back so far. Worse than my ex husband ever did to me.

[KIP.]

Please ring the police. You cannot deal with this kind of man on your own. It’s very very dangerous for you. Huge red flags that he’s coming to your home. How dare he.

[Dolly2019]

I will call the police if he gets nasty. He seemed to ‘give up’ at about (detail removed by moderator) after a series of voicemails basically saying he had reached his cut off point and it was over. I was out with a friend so I couldn’t return his belongings to him. He then said “I bet you’re out drinking already you b**”. I can hear in his voice how sad and angry he is but what struck me is, it didn’t take long for him to reach his “cut off point”.

Funny how I tolerated his abuse for (detail removed by moderator) but a few days of keeping him away and he is full of rage and ready to “dump” me. After I ended it with him.

People like that have to have the last word. I don’t believe he ever loved me. I believe, to abuse someone that horribly, you can’t love them. You may look to them to fill a hole in your heart or mind but you can’t actually love them. When you are that full up with rage and shame and anger, there’s no space to truly ‘love’ another.

He admitted recently that “probably 50%” of his rage towards me was historic rage from his ex. Which confirms that he was never truly over her and was using me as a rebound distraction, as I always felt. Hence the rage and disgust I experienced. It was like he was playing out his hatred with her, towards me. I always felt the rage was unjustified and from somewhere else. Why else would I, after a few weeks of dating, be called a “w****”, a “s***” and every other name?

I am trying to break down his behaviour when my heart knows. I went to him with good intentions, he abused me because he felt he could. He said in the summer “you must love me. We’ve been together for (detail removed by moderator). You’ve made an (detail removed by moderator) in me…”

It was like he was watching to see if my feelings were really embedded. Around the same time (and he had basically moved in with me (detail removed by moderator)) he said to me in an argument that he started “you f****d up. I was just starting to become attached to you…”

When I probed this statement he said “you can love someone but not feel attached to them…”

Sitting in my home, living off me, telling me he didn’t feel attached to me. Then he accused me of “being oversensitive” about what he said.

I believe people like him are so full of rage at the world and are so afraid of being hurt, they do the pushing away first so that they always feel in control. They also s**t test you to see what they can get away with. They are the ones who crazy make, then watch you spiral into relative madness, then walk away and screw someone else out of revenge or some other sick method to have the last word. It is about “winning” with some abusers. This one wasn’t simply an abuser. He was a deeply troubled, malignant n********* with a belief that he would always control the ending.

I feel deeply sad and scared about the next few days. Silence from him is going to kill me because he has never switched off before and always tried that one last time. I know this is probably it and while I should feel deep relief, I feel tremendous fear and pain about him moving on. It has only been a (Detail removed by moderator) and I don’t feel his feelings for me were deep. I think I have trauma bonded to him and breaking that bond is going to be agony.

[KIP.]

It’s already very nasty. You have just become used to it and normalised abuse but this is illegal, nasty entitled dangerous behaviour already. His abuse is nothing to do with his past relationships. He chooses to abuse you and hide behind any pathetic excuse he can so don’t be distracted by his mind games. You were called a w***e and a s**t because that’s what abusers do. One they get their hooks into you they push the boundaries to see just how much you will take. It’s a pattern of behaviour and probably runs through his past and will run through any future relationships. Yes the trauma bond is so very hard to break, it became easier when I reported him because bail conditions and exposing him burned many bridges. Your absolutely right about him not being able to bond, that’s why they can move on so quickly. Absolutely zero contact is how to break that bond and heal quicker. Don’t let him play his mind games, he’s too good when you’re vulnerable x

[Dolly2019]

I know I have done the right thing but I am really struggling to focus without crying. He has stayed away today. This is a significant day because he always said if we ever spent a (detail removed by moderator) then it’s done.

I am crying. We spent the whole of lockdown together. There were fun times. We laughed a lot about things when we weren’t fighting. I always wanted more of the laughter and not the abuse. He said he would change, not smoke weed, get work, try harder. He accused me yesterday of giving up on him, of forcing the break up. But I lost hope that he would ever change. Do they ever change? Not without serious therapy and work I would think and even then chances are slim.

I remember when he was (detail removed by moderator) (arguably not his fault being arrested but he did let himself into my house and wait upstairs) but the (detail removed by moderator) he throttled me, spat in my face and demanded anal sex or he was “leaving”. That is awful abuse that no one should have to endure.
I know what he did was criminal and hurtful and I believe, at one level, he really hated me for showing up to be everything he wasn’t. I think, with people like him, they truly hate themselves and if you are a level above, they almost hate you for it. I keep trying to tell myself that, that he didn’t love me because I was from a different world and it would never have worked.

But this is still agony. I’m typing this in my bedroom, listening with hope for any sound indicating that he has come for his things, anything. But I think he has closed down and in his world, he is 100% the victim.

Why can I not feel more rage at his cruelty? His abuse? His entitlement? Why am I not more furious? How is he able to hunker down and use his “hurt” to turn his back on me, when all I feel is profound sadness and regret? Where was my rage to galvanise me?

I won’t message him, nor break cover in any way. I have more restraint than that and I do know this was for the best. But it kills me to think that he will likely already be chatting up girls just to get “back in the saddle” and get over this. I imagine he will be over it very quickly. Break ups sting for a little bit when you love but not deeply. I do think I loved him more than he loved me. Otherwise why would I have tolerated him for as long as I did if it wasn’t love.

He said in one text message “I know you must have loved me to face (detail removed by moderator)”, yet he always accused me of not loving him. It wasn’t an absence of love. It was a terrible fear of being abused again. But I did love him. Do love him. How can I help my heart to heal from this? This is just the beginning of the worst part. Treading the roads we both walked for (detail removed by moderator). He lives (detail removed by moderator). He goes to the same shops. How do I stop looking for him in the street? How can I help this pain go away?

[KIP.]

No they do Not ever change. They spend their life getting what they want through their abuse lies and manipulation, really why would they change. They don’t think they’ve done anything wrong and don’t accept responsibility for anything. They are liars and head manipulators. Do not believe a word he says. That spotlight he keeps pointing at you and your behaviour is a mind trick. Point that right back at him, his lies and his behaviour. Don’t cover for him, it absolutely was his fault for being arrested and no one else’s. He makes his own decisions and you are not responsible for them and what he did to you was hideous and seconds away from murder. Imagine him doing that to your mother daughter or friend. Loving him will not stop him hurting you, I think we love them in the beginning but it quickly turns to a trauma bond when they hurt us and we fear them. We become addicted. All those things he told you were just to mess with your head. Reinforced by his cruelty. They are delusional and dangerous. Please dump his stuff at a mutual friend just so there’s no reason for him to have that hook. My ex left stuff for (detail removed by moderator) using it as an excuse for harrassment but because his name was in the mortgage I was told not to dump it. I so wish I’d got rid of it on day 1. You still need to grieve for this relationship and the dreams you had but try to remember this man isn’t the man you think he is. Please call the police again and do not carry the guilt because then he won’t have to.

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