20th December 2016 at 4:47 pm #34686BeenherebeforeParticipant
I haven’t been on this forum for over a year when I first realised I was in an abusive relationship. Despite working with my perpetrator still, I ended it, finished the relationship and started rebuilding my life with friends id lost, family I loved and counselling and a load of ups and downs and hard work.
I got into a new relationship with my current partner and everything was awesome. He was kind, understanding of my past, a great communicator and very reasonable. Then a few months ago not long after we moved in together things changed. We had arguments about my belongings, what they were, style and how much I had. I put this down to teething problems but I noticed I don’t have some of my treasured posessions on display. Other things have crept in. Being called annoying when I’m just being normal me. Being told the way I do things is annoying / wrong / silly like how I chop garlic or wash up. We have been arguing alot and its normally because I have embarrassed him with self deprecating jokes in front of his mates ( part of my personality) or what I wear. I am all for compromise but I have noticed me restricting my behaviour to please him and get his love (which he has withdrawn verbally on a few occassions). Am I crazy? Everything seems to be on his terms despite the fact I am financially more responsible for him and his child from another relationship, and do all our driving. I’m going mad again, please help x*x
20th December 2016 at 5:34 pm #34690lostandbrokenParticipant
Aww Hun I’m sorry you are experiencing this again. I think your gut instinct is speaking for you, as you have already experienced abuse you know where the flags are.
Have you spoken to him about the way he is making you feel?
20th December 2016 at 8:19 pm #34700Confused123Participant
Think u need to have word with him, realtionship work on mutual respect, point out how he makes u feel, dont go for the line where he may say u r comparing me to your ex, tell him how he behaves
20th December 2016 at 8:27 pm #34702SaharaDParticipant
Hi Beenherebefore and welcome back
I don’t know if you had advice on how to go about your recovery and any future relationships.
Domestic abuse support organisations recommend waiting two years before starting a new relationship. I waited about 20 months to start dating.
I have done and I am doing a lot of recovery work. the Freedom Programme. Reading reputable books on abuse and a recovery course specific for women who have suffered abuse at the hands of men developed by my Local NHS Trust. I also spend about a year just surviving and trying to keep a roof over my head alone. I like living alone.
I am still not ready for a new relationship. Although one of the men I was dating offered me to move in with him when I had some landlord trouble last year. I respectfully declined. He doesn’t know that I was abused even though I’ve been seeing him for over a year now.
I no longer want to reveal my vulnerabilities to men. In fact most people will say that take dating very very slow. Moving in after less than a year is probably not a good idea. You have to look for RED flags and learn to follow your gut instinct.
maybe there wasn’t a long enough recovery period or enough recovery work done between the previous abusive relationship and the current one. What books have you read? What recovery courses have you attended? Do you go to a women’s support group? Have you attended a confidence and assertiveness and self esteem seminar? Recovery Toolkit? Freedom Programme? Pattern Changing Course? Self defence course?
you may have and I think I have ” a broken picker”: An attraction to people of the opposite sex that are wrong or bad for you.
If he is not financially responsible why are you living with him? This is a red flag. You have opened yourself up to being financially vulnerable to him by moving in.
We do things for people because we love them but we set boundaries for ourselves and other people because we should love ourselves and care for ourselves and respect their ability and responsibility to be an adult. No boundaries is unhealthy to everyone influenced by toxic a relationship..adults, children, pets, elderly relatives, friends, etc.
20th December 2016 at 8:28 pm #34703SaharaDParticipant
Side note: I definitely don’t want to be in a relationship where I have to “get” love. That’s not real love. Love is not a bargaining chip.
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