Holiday

[Onlyintime]

So he found a male friend on my social media, (detail removed by moderator) He lost his temper calling me everything you could possibly imagine, held my face and screamed in it (detail removed by moderator) as he pushed me too hard, I went flying across the room. He also told me to jump from the (detail removed by moderator) Then following day held me under water in the pool as a joke. I was on this forum about 4 years ago and I can honestly say his behaviour has not changed. I really can’t face asking him to leave because he will escalate very very quickly and I always have my children with me. I’m so stuck i think this is my life until I die. I literally have no friends now, can’t go see my mum as I get accused or timed. I really don’t know what to do anymore. Everyone says to leave, go refuge but how can I. If he ever found me I couldn’t imagine the response. Asking him to leave resulted in my house being smashed up (detail removed by moderator) Since then he has escalated 3 times even worse than the first. This is my life now.

[Onlyintime]

Also, and I hate to write this because it’s so degrading. He asked me for intimacy and in return he would forget about the whole thing. I was so desperate for the argument to end that I let him, half an hour later he started to pick at me again. I felt so used and disgusted. It wasn’t intimate at all, (detail removed by moderator)

[nbumblebee]

You are not alone many of us suffer this way so please dont ever feel like you cant talk about it we get it we really do.

I cant tell you to leave as im still here after over 2 decades but what I will say is that I wish i had seen sooner whilst my kids were smaller. They are grown now and i will never forgive myself for not leaving for their sake. They see hear and understand so much more than we are ever prepared to admit and it does affect them it really does.
What you have described sounds horrific and you do not should not have to live this way.
There is help out there when you are ready to reach out for it.
I know you are scared and that youve tried b4 but dont ever stop trying sweetie as one day you never know it might stick.
Womans aid can help you guide you or just be there for you when you are ready.
Stay safe xxxxxx

[Onlyintime]

My daughter said to me ..if you want to break up I understand. She is under 10. It break my heart that I don’t have the courage as I am too conditioned now. I am aware of every tone in his voice every look, every footstep. I know exactly what I can and cannot do. I was the only one of a group of colleagues to not go to a wedding recently, pleading childcare and poverty ad an excuse but we all know the real reason. He didn’t tell me not to go as he never tells me not to do something but the mood if I do do it is not worth the hassle. I havent had a night out for 7 years now. I’m a shell of who I used to be, I sat like a little girl with my hands over my ears that night on holiday. I’m disgusted with myself

[nbumblebee]

Dont be ive been there too ive done things i will never forget to keep the peace to stop the hurt and so have many on here you are not alone i leomise you that.
This is on him not on you the shame is his not yours. Reach out get some help advice you dont have to live this way and nor does your daughter xxxxc

[Onlyintime]

I think the worst thing is that this behaviour feels normal, I’m numb to it. Although I cried that night it took a lot, he really has to push and push to make me cry. Then when I do, he makes comment about crocodile tears if I try to explain myself he will copy what I’m saying in a stammering kind of way ie bbbb but what. That kind of thing. I don’t argue back but try to explain and I hate myself for being so weak and scared. I am scared of him. He is the type of man to probably kill me in a red rage. I’m quite sure of it. I asked him If he would hit me and he said no because that would leave a mark although he felt like it. He really is nothing special to look at, has a mediocre job no friends, if I asked him to leave he would loose everything, his home (mine) the kids, rhe car (mine) and the guilt of doing that to him stops me too. How can someone treat u so badly and u still feel sorry for wanting to leave them. This time, he hasn’t even apologised for his escalation. That’s worrying to me, usually he’s very sorry afterwards but not this time.

[Onlyintime]

Il maybe phone tomorrow but its the same..ask him to leave but I’m just too scared of the escalation.

[nbumblebee]

Again yes to everything you have said. I wont cry in front of him or anyone i wont give him that.
Mine has hit me in the past and done some pretty nasty things so i get it we all get it.
That hope that they will change that hold they have on us thats what we need to break and i believe the more you talk the more you see the less that hold will be. It is the heardest thing to do to open up.to a stranger to ask for help it hurts like crazy i wont lie but it is worth it i promise you that. Whenever you are ready and only when you are ready people will be there to help you. Xxxx

[Better-days]

Hi onlyintime I’m not long back from holiday my partner was shouting at me in the supermarket in front of everyone, I made a promise to myself my child would never be that child made me realise I need out more than ever but still here there’s days I have one foot out the door at days I struggle to see the door. Don’t beat yourself up too much I hope you are ok x

[Ricepudding]

Hi onlyintime found your post. I feel like you are tell my story I to am on holiday . My daughter wants to catch a train home. I’ve cried most days silent and unwitnessed as we are with his family so I feel like I’m being judged. Frightened by a look or a tone in his voice. You are not alone you are not to blame for what they do. Knowing what I know you are brave and strong why because we live everyday getting up knowing what the day is going to be before it even starts. My daughter is a lot older now and he has now started his action and behaver on her he has said such hurt full thing this holiday to me about my daughter to get in between us to isolate me. He is now mimicking me by saying boo how want to cry like a baby. Just can’t get any time bymself he is always a my side. Stay safe.you are not on your own.

[Onlyintime]

So last night he started with the age long questions and statements of ‘your depressed, are you ok, what’s wrong, your stressed, your not yourself’ he always tells me that I’m in a mood or upset or stressed even on the days when I’m actually ok and somewhat happy. Since holiday I have busied myself cleaning cooking meals shopping and not being useless as he said I was on holiday. I said to him last night that I was fine and just doing my job and not being useless.today he is telling me that my only job is to be happy. Big fat LOL at that. I just keep telling him I’m fine. Cause physically I’m still standing and mentally I’m numb aka fine. My red line is so far behind me that I can’t even see it anymore. I’m gonna work as much as I can and get savings behind me again in secret so when it’s time to tell him to leave I will have something to fall back on. Thank you ladies. I always wonder if they know what they are doing, if they think about what they say and do or is it a red rage that they can’t control.

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