Home is a ‘safe place’

[KIP.]

I’m away for a couple of days and feeling anxious. I just want to get home. Even when I was with my abuser, I would rush back home when I had panic attacks. There was never anything safe about my home yet it’s still where I want to go to feel safe. It has less of a pull now but I think I was kind of trauma bonded to my home too. The most awful things happened there yet it was always my safe space. I find it hard to relax sometimes. Recently at the gym, which I usually enjoy, there was this nagging feeling to get home. Ruined my afternoon. I try to ignore it but the knot gets larger and larger. Anyone else get this? I know it will pass. Maybe too many other stresses at this time of year.

[maddog]

This time of year is particularly hard and it’s an ideal time to have a mahoosive family row when so many close relatives are holed up together during these short and often alcohol fuelled days. My own safe place is under a rock in my head where I am to all intents and purposes invisible. It is a cold and wretched place and I long to find somewhere more comfortable to be in the world.

I took the children to stay with family and amazingly no-one got cross and no-one was nipped by one of the many many dogs in the house.

There are still parts of the country I do not feel at all comfortable in and places I do particularly like. I think that we need a little light to shine in dark places to help us feel more secure. How horrid for you KIP to be going through this. Thinking of you.

[KIP.]

Thanks for your message of support. I’m sure it will pass. I’m just taking on too much again which is good that I can try but a reminder I’m still vulnerable. The utter horror when he employed a solicitor to try to force the sale of my home. The opening of that legal paper absolutely floored me. Our son was still here. He didn’t succeed. Just more overkill and punishment for daring to end a relationship. Stupid stupid dangerous man.

[EbonyRaven]

Hi Kip, sorry to hear about the way you’ve been feeling. I hope it passes soon. I guess they take so much from us that it’s hard not to worry that if we’re away from something ‘safe’ that will somehow get taken, or ruined in our absence, and we want to be there to protect it.

Do you have an essential oil you could use in a pot pourri or diffuser that you could take a bottle of with you when you’re away, so you have that familiar scent?
I’ve bought myself aromatherapy necklaces, bracelets and a car air freshener so I can do this. It helps keep me grounded.

Hoping you’re feeling better.

[Halfwayout]

I can totally relate, my daughter is the same, recently she drove into the nearest city to Xmas shop, she got there, parked in an unfamiliar place had a panic attack and came straight home, no shopping, she’d done the hard part for her, driving in. I keep reaffirming to her its our lack of confidence and we will get it back.
I was also told that moving out of the house we shared with my abuser was the better thing to do, a fresh start and that’s what we hope will happen,a hidden escape from the public,a fellow abused friend said she did the same, you just want to cocoon yourself away.
I do always ask myself why I struggle to go away for the day, its like I feel I’m not allowed, I did find the sea my calm place but I can’t even go there at the moment.
Hang in there, as you say this time of year isn’t the best time. xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi KIP, I too feel like this. Something very traumatic happened earlier in the year which involved my oh and another family member. I felt am overwhelming need to run home, find him and hear him tell me everything will be okay, it’s a horrible horrible feeling, but it will pass. It took me months of lying on the couch with the covers over my head which in turn led me to this forum.
I’ve also done the same as your daughter, drove miles away to a theme park when my children were younger, got there, and literally turned the car around and came home, their wee faces it was awful. I’ve managed to drive to the seaside, (I too feel that’s my calm place to be, as does my daughter. Maybe something to do with women and the moon and tides, but that’s anither thread I think🙂) got out, walked around a bit and had to get back home. Our house is more of a safe place than many of us give it credit, even though it’s where a lot of the abuse takes place too. I’m not sure if its being away from him, and not being in to do dinner etc, or hes wore away my self esteem and confidence in my driving, he always says im a terrible driver and hates me driving him anywhere. Yet I’m the one who’s eyes are closed when he drives, as he is quite erratic and gets really angry with other drivers. He’s literally driven after and cut them up, ready for a square go.
Take care lovely
IWMB 💕💕

[Halfwayout]

Your very true about the low self esteem in driving IWMB, after having my kids, post natal depression and being super protective of them my OH constant put downs, eroded my confidence in driving amongst other things. It has been a thorn, holding me back in employment positions and on friends nights out where I can’t drive into town. I think it’s will be something I will struggle with in the future.
I totally also get the ‘I’ve got to be home to make his dinner”, here’s hoping we are the last generation who’s upbringing has been conditioned by the wants of the menfolk. Hence why I think all upper school pupils should read Living With A Dominator.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello kip you have been so absolutely brilliant to all on here, including me.
Don’t know what to say except there is a new year ahead and we will all make it together.
Big hug KIP
all best
ftc
x

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi KIP,
I hope those horrible feelings pass soon. find guided meditation really helps when I’m dipping.
Thanks so much for your support and advice when I felt desparate and overwhelmed.
Hearing from you and the other women really helped me keep going forward. All the best Xx

[Serenity]

Hi KIP- and everyone!

I haven’t posted for months. I thought I would check how you all are.

KIP, I’ve become a bit more like how you describe recently. Home is my safe place. Well, to be more specific, trussed up in blankets in bed with my hot water bottle and my cats at my feet is my safe place! I’m ok to watch dramas on my iPad in bed- I just can’t face dramas in my own life!

You once told me that our healing goes in cycles. I’m sure that in a few months I may feel more sociable, but for now I need to withdraw. I’m going to do so without feeling guilty. It’s what I need right now. Bear in mind, you’re still dealing with some things relating to your case. So you need a place where you feel the world can’t touch you more than most.

Big hugs and Happy New Year to everyone x

[KIP.]

Hi Serenity, nice to see you back on here. Wise words as usual. Some duvet days are needed. Too much going on x

[Sci-figirl]

I think we feel this need to brush ourselves off and leave it all behind. He’s gone so i should be over it right? Move on. And we fall into the trap of forcing ourselves to be okay. Because if we’re not okay, they win, they still have control….they have damaged us for good so they win if we’re not okay. At least it’s how I feel. And ultimately I fail in my determination to be okay. Because whether I like it or not, I’m not okay and I am damaged by what he’s done. I will never be the person I was before and I will struggle in ways I couldnt imagine before. But it’s okay. I’m learning to be kind to myself. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s the trying that counts and never giving up. In that way he will never win….because his goal was to destroy, not merely damage. So what if I cry for 2 days at a time? Can’t be bothered to shower and shave my legs? So what if i walk to town and then get overwhelmed and have to leave and curl up under a blanket for the rest of the day? There are other days where I feel full of hope and confidence. I’ll hold onto those and allow myself the rest. Duvet days and home are fine…a little peace is what we need after all of the drama! Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself what you need xx

[KIP.]

Thank you sci-figirl. That’s a wonderful way to look at it. Sometimes we simply ask too much of ourselves. Trauma is a terrible thing to livewith but I do have good days and on those days I will set the world on 🔥 fire x onwards and upwards

[Iwantmeback]

Thank you sci-figirl, we definately beat ourselves up when we have bad days, but why shouldn’t we acknowledge the damage he’s done. Putting on a brave face is such a hard thing to do, it’s exhausting pretending everything’s alright.
I love it when my oh isn’t around, he’s on holiday just now, but has been out with his mates, walking the dogs, and I’ve been the one staying in, or worse having to go shopping. I visited a relation while he was out with the dog a few days ago, didn’t tell him. What I’ve noticed is he’s checking in more and more, letting me know where he is, when he’ll be due back, doesn’t do that when he’s at work. Yes work stresses him but that’s because he’s not in control, it’s someone else’s business, he has some authority, but comes home every night moaning about someone or another. If he said to the people involved what he tells me I doubt very much he’d have a job or he’d not have hit someone, so tbh I dont think he says half as much as he says he does.
IWMB 💕💕

[Frankfurter]

For me it’s my car. I don’t live anywhere that my abuser has even visited as far as I’m aware, but I still don’t feel that home is a safe place. The only place is locked in my car. It’s to be expected I think, that survivors of abuse have a safe place to hide from the world, we feel so worthless and shamed when people can see us.

[Grateful]

Sci-figirl, that was such a good way to put it.
Every one is suggesting I sell the house (post divorce) yet it is the only place I feel settled and secure, curled up under the blanket watching TV. It might be where all the abuse happened but it is also my rock, from which I try to face the world.
Serenity, big hugs. You are always so supportive to others on this forum. I hope you arrive in a better state of mind soon.

[Grateful]

Kip I hope you have a better time soon. Big hug for giving so much support to others.

[Author]

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