Honest advice please

[nbumblebee]

Hi, Im sorry me again.
I am after some honest no bull advice please.
So by now you know my story and hiw much i am struggling to see this as abuse.
Things are getting worse by the day.
(detail removed by Moderator) he went off on one as i hadnt done a small job for him he shouted about me working yet again and then ignored me all night then when we went to bed he expected sex (he has to have sex at least once or twice a week to be happy) when i refused he went nasty and said we should have a divorce. (detail removed by Moderator) nothing was said.
He went work, came home ate dinner all in silence i was just in the bath he came in and exlected sex again i said no so agaon he has just had a shouting fit telling me he was bkred fed up that i never want sex that i was having an affair which he accuses me of daily and has said things need to change. I am trying to talk to him asking him to explain he says ive changed so much im having an affair cause im working now cause im getting stronger getting a life for myself. He says im to blame that ive changed our life.
Is it my fault? I never saw his behaviohr as anything other than married life before this year and now things are worse than they have ever been thats my fault isnt it?
I have changed i dont want sex i struggle to be near him thats my fault. Im too scared to talk to him to tell him the truth im scared of what he will do and say so thats my fault too right?
Part of me thinks i should stop leave my job stop all this abuse nonsence thats its just my marriage but then theres that voice that tells me im not happy i dont feel safe im lonley scared sad thats not right is it?
Seriously should i try harder for his sake? Should i stop all this try again to love him?
I feel so guilty hes so unhappy I did that I am making him unhappy and it breaks my heart.
I dont know what to do.
Hes gone out and im scared what will happen when he returns what I will say what he will say.
All this because i said no.

[Eyesopening]

Hey,
What about your happiness?
Who’s thinking of your happiness?
He isn’t, only his happiness/control matters to him.
I tried to forget all the abuse stuff again and again. Thinking maybe it was all in my head, i was just being swayed by the internet. So i let it alone, normally that coincided with love bombing phase. But it doesn’t take long for the thought that i must get out to come back.
I did it a few times. It’s something i had to try, i had to try all i could before i could leave and not go back.
Not saying its the thing to do but thats just what happened to me.
We all have our own journey. Nothing you are doing is wrong. You are on your path you are here and even after all your going through helping others on their journey. Keep in your truth.

It doesn’t actually matter if its abuse or not, it matters that we are unhappy. Knowing its abuse means we can understand why its so hard to leave and all the rest like trauma bonding and not falling for their tactics.
X*x

[Bananaboat]

It’s so hard isn’t it. Honestly as an outsider looking in I’m reading this thinking two things 1) what outcome would make you happy and 2) what advice would you give if you were on the outside looking in?

As someone in an abusive relationship, I’m also sitting here knowing it’s not easy to leave, it’s not easy to deflect their words or desires and you’re living with constant anxiety about what you do, say, want and what’s coming next.

Maybe don’t look at it as abuse because I know how hard you struggle with that word, how about thinking about it as what does/doesn’t make you happy. As EyesOpen said, you deserve to be happy too, it’s not all about him! Your job makes you happy so please don’t give it up. You know he won’t change even if you do.

Would he go through with a divorce or is he just using it as a threat?

[nbumblebee]

@Bananaboat the divorce threat was most definatly a treat he wouldnt go through with it would look so bad on his amazing lerfect life wouldnt it?!!
Thank you so much for your reply if i was giving advice to others id say run and dont look back I really would but as im sure you know its so easy to say it harder to really believe it.
Stay safe sweetie hope you find your own freedom soon xxxx

[Wants To Help]

Hi nbumblebee,

Do you think this is your fault? Do you really?

If you want honesty, here goes…

Give up your job and be a stay-at-home mum again and help him out with his business. Two days a week mentally prepare yourself for a night of passion (buy some lube to help out!!) and live your life like that for the next God knows how many years. I’m not sure how you can try and make yourself love him again because those feelings really have to come naturally, but I guess you could act the part to convince him? This is what you need to do in order to try and make some changes so that he will treat you better. Carrying on doing what you’re doing and going to work isn’t going to make him nicer to you at all.

Now read that last paragraph again.

I bet your heart sank when you read that. I bet the thought of having to do that filled you with anxiety and dread, because really, deep down, do you think you could do it? Do you think that even if you did it would make YOU any happier? Would it even make HIM any happier?

Your little voice that is telling you that you don’t want to give your job up is the voice of reason. Please don’t give up your job. That job is your sanity and lifeline at the moment. Giving that up may satisfy him (not please him, just satisfy him) but it won’t do anything positive for you. It would gut you, and probably send you in to a deeper depression.

No one wants to make love to someone who doesn’t treat them right, who doesn’t respect them, compliment them, seduce them, etc. Do you worry he might have an affair and get his sexual needs elsewhere? If not, then continue to stand your ground and say no to him if you do not want to have sex with him. I used to have sex with my abuser once in a while in order to keep the peace, but it was not that unbearable that I ever felt that I was being sexually abused by him. I just knew that although I wasn’t happy with him I didn’t want to leave him at that point either and that I couldn’t expect him to live with me like a monk because neither of us had actually signed up to a relationship of celibacy, so I guess I went through with the routine and psyched myself up for sex every so often because I didn’t want him to find sex elsewhere. Eventually he did have an affair anyway and when I found out I was relieved. At least that way he didn’t want sex with me.

It is so hard for all of us in this situation. If we are not at the stage of reaching the ‘enough is enough’ moment and absolutely wanting out, can we ask and expect them to live a life of celibacy with us and try and negotiate a sort of companionship going forward? Is that fair? Would we like that if it was the other way round and we lived with someone who did not want any intimacy with us when we wanted it with them? I get this is a controversial subject and many of us have different opinions when unwilling sex becomes rape, but in my situation I can honestly say my abuser never raped me or sexually assaulted me but I did have sex with him when I’d rather not have.

I agree with the others though, if you are not happy in this relationship and it is making you down and anxious, nervous and scared, that is enough to want out of it, you really don’t have to label it.

xx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you you are right i know you are I often wonder how on earth he could want sex with me i tell him no and sometimes he carries on anyway how can you have sex with someone you know doesnt want it? Its madness to me and like you say he cant be hapoy he said as much last night.
I know somethings gotta change I know ive not seen theworst of this yet theres more to come im sure of that. I need to be strong enough to face it. Thank you for being so honest i really do appreciate and listen you are amazing @wantstohelp thank you x*x

[Eggshells]

He said that you’re getting stronger, Getting a life for yourself? And he thinks that’s a bad thing?

Do I need to say more?

You’re not a blow up doll!

Sorry hon, but you said no bull. Yes, you are responsible for things changing, you should be proud of that. You are changing things for the better.

If I’m honest, I remember thinking that I was being unfair because I’d moved the goalposts since we first met. It’s true, I did move the goalposts because I was finally understanding that I would always loose if they stayed where they were.

This is something someone told me. It helped me make my decision to leave. When you get older, one if you may get ill. If it’s you, do you really want him looking after you? If it’s him, do you want to be stuck nursing him?

Ultimately, what happens next is your choice. The forum will support and help you whichever decision you make. xx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you for your no bull advice i appreciate it. You describe it well with the blow up doll.
I just dont get how it all blew up just because i said no it seems to be a trigger for him right now just another excuse to be mad at me i guess to make me feel bad so i put out more maybe?
What you said about getting old also hit me as theres no way he would look after me no way at all. Ive never had a cuppa in all the decades weve been married even when ive been poorly theres no way he would support or look after me.
Gosh thats terrible isnt it??
Thank you x*x

[Secretlife]

There is just one thing your husband is right about – the fact that you have changed. You will have changed the day you joined this forum. Your whole view on your relationship will never be the same again because you have learnt so much and now know that the way your husband behaves towards you is not normal or acceptable. You have learned that what you have been putting up with for years is not your fault and that you are not some crazy mentally deranged woman that he has made you out to be. You will never be the same person you were pre forum. You have started on a journey to become stronger and you are doing more things for yourself. He is losing control and cannot deal with this. His mission now is to stop you doing these things. Nbumblebee, don’t ever give up your job. You are doing so well. Although I don’t have the answers or the experience of many of the women on here, and I am still stuck with my abuser because I haven’t got the guts to leave…. yet, I do know for sure that I will NEVER be the person I was before joining this forum. It has completely changed my mindset. Try and stay strong and focused on your happiness. Sending you a hug xx

[nbumblebee]

@secretlife You do have guts and you are incredable youve picked me up more times than i know dont ever forget how amazing you are.
I think youve hit the nail on the head i will never look at my relationship the same again.
You are right. I cant unsee now maybe thats it im scared of changing this is scarey isnt it?
And maybe he sees that change and wants to get back. All i wanted last night was for him to tell me he was really leaving not pretending just to make me feel bad I feel like pants today for hurting him for treating him bad why do they never feel pain for hurting us?

[Darknessallaround]

Hi @nbumblebee
It’s not wrong of you to want to be happy. It’s not wrong of you to want to work. It’s not wrong to want something that is good for you, it gives you financial freedom, self worth, contact with other people, maybe a sense of purpose.

What does he give you? A hard time for working. Verbal abuse for not wanting sex. A diminished sense of self worth. If you give up your job, none of that will change. He may be ‘happy’ for a while. But will soon find something else to use as a proverbial stick to beat you with.

Why would you want to have sex with someone who treats you with disrespect, who makes you feel so low and so bad about yourself? It’s a perfectly normal reaction to not want to give in to him on this. It’s your body, only you have rights over it. Not him.

Please stay strong. Not for us. For you.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so very much for taking time to reply.
I think you are right if i did give up the job he would find another thing to hurt me about wouldnt he? Thank you so much xxxxx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you for your replies i will read through them when hes gone to work.
I just wanted to tell you what happened.
He came back and we talked.
He said that he didnt like me anymore that ive changed that i dont make an effort anymore what he means is that i dont dress how he asks me too. That i am having an affair and he cant get it out his head that im never home. I only work i dont go out without him.
He said he was unhappy and things had to change that i didnt seem to care anymore that maybe we had grown apart then he said no not grown apart just that you have your job now and thats all you care about. He said if he asked me to choose job or him what would i choose?
He said he wants me to leave my job and everything will be ok again.
What i think he means is that he feels he is losing control right?
I dress for me i love my job with all my heart for the first time in decades i feel like im doung good i feel good about myself when i am there i smile i laugh. Im dressing for me ive lost alot of weight and exercise and ny body is changing cant say i like it yet but am feeling better than i did after years of self harm i am slowly trying to look after myself he doesnt know about the harm but he hates me not weaeing what he asks.
He hates me not home so he can call and i jump like i used too. He wants sex when and where he wants it he likes to be dominant.
Last week i asked for some (detail removed by moderator) he said yes if i do something for him. I refused so i didnt get those (detail removed by moderator) meanwhile he buys himself a (detail removed by moderator) cause he can right!
None of this is right is it?
He is a narc isnt he?
He loves to show off have the best of everything have control over everything and is the most selfish person i know. I havent even mentioned the nastiness the put downs the picking shouting and that look when he gets mad like he could hit me (he has a very long time ago)
Others i knkw have it so so much worse which is why i struggle with the word abuse and with seeing it as abuse to me he is just not nice at times and its getting worse it is killing me it really is.
I need to either find a way through this try and get him to see how much he hurts me and try and get him to understand or i stop leave my job this forum and go back to how life used to be.
Or i work towards leaving even if it takes years maybe working towards this will help me see a light at the end of a dark tunnel.
Im dreading the next few days weeks I just dont know whats coming next. Xxxxx

[Hereforhelp]

Hi nbumblebee

When I was where you are I read something
‘If you feel you would be a better version of yourself if you left your partner then leave, be a better version of yourself’
Those few words went round and round in my head as I also wasn’t happy, I also realised my husband wasn’t either (that made it easier to leave my marriage as neither of us were happy, if he was happy he wouldn’t have treated me so bad, be so nasty, moody, aggressive… that’s not a happy persom). For me, focusing on happiness took over from the word abuse (I now accept the abuse and am working through that but still struggle, I was with him for decades being brainwashed by him as to how useless I am, unless I was doing what he asked/wanted . Sex, cleaning, cooking, dealing with all our children’s needs. All whilst walking on eggshells).
Keep strong ❤ and keep posting
Maybe look into the freedom programme, see if you could start that course without him knowing, if it is safe for you to do so? Xx

[nbumblebee]

@Hereforhelp yes i know all those feelings only too well.and yes i do feel that i could be a better me without him happier stronger just to be me again after so long would be incredable but so scarey and seems beyond my reach right now. Thank you so much for your kind words and advice i really do appreciate it. Xxxxx

[Secretlife]

Hello nbumblebee

I am so sorry things are so bad for you. You say you want to find a way of letting him know how he makes you feel. Unfortunately men like our husbands aren’t the least bit interested in how we feel, our feelings don’t matter to them. They choose to behave like they do, and know what they are doing, they are devious and manipulative. And, everything is always our fault, they take no responsibility. Personal experience has taught me that trying to explain is absolutely pointless, and indeed, all the books say this too. Getting into battle about your feelings is a waste of emotional energy, and it’s exhausting.

It is so very hard to keep going, as I am finding at times. Whatever you do, don’t give up your job as this is your only mental release and escape from being at home, it’s vital you keep going to work. I think if I were you I’d contact WA for support and help now, and advice on what to do and how to cope etc. Remember, you are getting stronger and that is what he doesn’t like. Keep going nbumblebee, don’t let him take everything away that you have worked so hard to achieve. Thinking of you and sending hugs xx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you again. Im way too scared to contact WA i cant do it seems too real here i can hide behind a screen its easier.
I dont wanna give up my job you are right its my one me thing I love it so much but the hell i get from him just takes the shine away.
But no no im not giving it up whatever he does x

[Anonymous]

When you are in that abusive situation it can be so difficult to see or believe that things can be different and you can feel different and have a different life. To say the two words ‘trauma bonding’ is an explanation of the name of it but doesn’t really convey what that foggy version of reality is like.

So I was sitting here today, feeling really quite down with the news this morning and the prospect of having to home school again possibly and feeling scared about covid etc. It is a fair few years since I left.

Today. With my A4 notebook two pages full of things to do and not very interesting chores and supporting DD.

And then I remembered how I used to feel back then, all those years ago – one word to sum it up, perhaps two. Trapped. In prison. Emotional abuse is evil. The person who does it is evil. To ensnare a person like that. As you are ensnared currently.

And I looked at my notebook with fresh eyes, and am thinking well, no matter how difficult it sometimes might be being a single parent in the middle of a pandemic, every single to do item on my notebook is MY choice, not the choice of an abusive man who is stopping me from flourishing.

And I would much rather have this reality.
DD. was studying the suffragettes a few years ago. The famous speech ‘Freedom or Death’…Pankhurst I think. Not sure which one. They won that particular victory, they are our ancestors and I believe still around somewhere having our backs when we fight these battles that we need to fight.

That speech really spoke to me, I knew what the suffragettes meant. I really do know and many on here I am sure the same.

The getting on a train to leave…not knowing where I was going or how I was going to do it but knowing for certain that whatever it was, that was yet to come was going to be better than what I was leaving behind.

That Freedom.

You can have it too.

[nbumblebee]

@startingoveragain I love this I really really love this. How amazing you are.
Thank you. Id love one day to write something similar to someone on here. Thank you so much xxxx

[Anonymous]

Oh, and I also know that feeling of wanting to ‘explain’ to ex how I felt and be understood – even wanting to tell him how desperate I felt about wanting to leave and taking steps, wanting to be loved.

But it is NOT love.

When I did tell him he called me ‘pathetic’.

That is and your partner is the same… not the response of a person who loves…

It is the response of a person who is afraid to love, truly, afraid to be selfless or caring, even afraid of themselves and their shadowy nature, afraid of how nasty they are capable of being..

…and so they should be…
you are dealing with a very nasty person who is a n********t and using you for their own ends.

This is an utterly shocking thing to be realising. But rest assured, just as there are such people in the world..there are also other kinds of people who are kind, loving and caring.

You have just lost sight of those for now. But they will surround you again.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much for your honesty.
I really do appreciate it xxxx

[Anonymous]

Nbumblebee, I used be really naive once (coulda been due to autism?) but I used to think how can a man intentionally want/have sex with someone knowing full well they don’t want it? Which further bought me more down making me more susceptible, but we have to accept the fact that people with n**********c/sociopathic + psychopathic traits have no qualms with doing what they wanna do and some even enjoy the boundary violation (it gives them a sick thrill) we think we know what someone with little empathy will look like but we don’t (it’s their secret behaviour that makes them who they are) they are your friends partners/relative your friends partners best friend, the guy in public transport that takes you to work everyday, we think dangerous people are just on tv and they’re not, the last statistic I read was 1 in 100 people are sociopathic but there’s probably more, you husband doesn’t want a wife he wants a robot that never changes, he’s deluded in his beliefs (as most abusers are) maybe think about what you think/feel about him instead of the focus which seems to be mainly what he thinks/feels about you? The fact he says he doesn’t like you anymore yet keeps trying for sex shows what type of man he is, and you can’t deny the reality anymore because it’s been a problem you’ve been speaking about for a few months. The phone operators on women’s aid lines are really nice (there’s nothing to be scared of) it’s real it’s happening+ it’s happening to you now, ps glad your not giving your job up it might be money and security you need if you decide to leave, be well 💛💎💛

[nbumblebee]

@auriel wow thank you your words hit home they really did. I have alot to get my head round i guess. I really appreciate your advice thank you so much I needed to hear it today xxxx

[Anonymous]

Well said Auriel

Also Bumble bee you will cross those bridges.

DD here sleeping soundly. Such a long journey. But I’m always glad when all is quiet in our home and celebrate the snoring!

[Bee1]

Bumble bees are happiest playing on flowers, not nettles. How can we produce our honey if someone’s purposefully poisoning us….?
(Analogy for us bees ☺️🐝).

Enough is enough. And You will realise that all this disrespect has no future.
Acceptance hun, it’s the first step to your inner freedom and peace. 🙏🏼

[nbumblebee]

Beautiful words thank you x

[Eggshells]

It would be lovely if he could understand and change. Trust me, he understands exactly how you feel but he’s only interested in how he feels so he’s not going to change.

I remember how scarey it was to make that first call to my local DV charity.

To acknowledge out loud that you are being abused and to actually hear a voice confirming it can be very confronting. After I’d made that call I was shaking all over, slick with sweat even though I felt cold and sat there feeling totally stunned. When I met my keyworker for the first time, I felt like a fraud but as we talked and she validated my suspicion of abuse – out loud – I gained strength.

You are determined to keep working and you keep going to work despite the pressure he’s putting you under. You are so much stronger than I was nbumblebee and so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

I wonder if you can set yourself a goal to reach out to your local support group. Perhaps even give yourself a timescale e.g next week, after Xmas etc. Taking this step may seem big because it feels like an acknowledgement of abuse that you don’t feel ready for. If you look back through your posts, I wonder if you’d see that you’ve acknowledged more than you realise. xx

[Anonymous]

As egg shells says, acknowledgement and meeting WA can be confronting, along the lines of realising how awful something is, and almost not wanting to.

I too have memories of meeting WA for first time. As egg shells says, feeling like a fraud.

It took more than one meeting as I just wasn’t ready the first time. I kept making excuses for him.

So much respect fof the workers there.

And some of it was completely surreal. Going for a walk to take the calls. Filling in a questionaiiree for WA to risk assess whilst i was standing in a public play park, out of earshot of anyone whilst watching DD at a distance.

At the time and by contrast I met a woman a mum from the school who was experiencing similar – I urged her to go to refuge, but a combination of being coerced and feeling scared she would lose her kids, meant that she never, ever left.

I saw her posts on SM years later and they were all about how happy she was in her family.

It was a lie, she was living with a pyschopath, effectively.

She was such a lovely woman, later on I thought and I know that unforuntately and sadly, some of us never make it out.

But you can. There is still time. Make the call. Meet and talk to WA. They will know you have to go at your own pace.

[nbumblebee]

Im so scared @startingoveragain @eggshells @auriel so scared of talking to WA will i be believed? Will they tell me its not so bad? Will they tell me to leave now? Will he find out?
I just cant do it but I cant go on he started again last night i was reading and he moaned as i wasnt paying him any attention said he was bored of me of us that things had to change then sex again came into play and i said no again and again but he carried on trying so i gave up let him afterwards he said you are definatly having an affair you dont want me. Today he rang ne at work moaning as i was at work at not home as he needed an email sending. Its everyday now and yes its tiny tiny silly things but its just constant put downs constant moaning I seriously dont know how much more i can take till im done.
I know i need to call get help but its seems too much too final.

[Eggshells]

Yes you will be believed, no they won’t tell you it’s not so bad, they won’t tell you to leave now and he won’t find out.

You’ve kind of tested out all of these concerns on the forum already.

I’ll be honest, my local dv charity were not very good but in the very early days, when I really needed it, they did validate my concerns. It helped me to come to terms with the idea that the abuse was real. It was just another part of my journey really.

The forum was where I got most advice and understanding.

You don’t need to call but if you do, it won’t be final. It’s just another stepping stone, another support structure. xx

[Author]

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