Honesty

[Iwantmeback]

I like how we can be as open and honest on here. We have to be in order to guide each other through the process of leaving/ staying and make it as informative as possible. Knowledge truly is power and the more we have, the better. I wish there was a magic switch to turn our guilt off when deciding to leave though, guilt i think its one of those ties that bind us, probably one of the strongest ones, must be made of irn Bru😏(made from girders if theres some on here too young to remember the adverts).
I really don’t want to split up with my OH, none of us do, but i also dont want to be arguing and feeling like this for 2 or more decadesto pass.
Feeling deflated today😢

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Iwantmeback

That was a lovely post, am sad for you to be having a bad day today.

I agree so much that guilt and over-inflated loyalty, sense of responsibility, and concern for their welfare, serve as ball and chain to us, prison bars.

All women, in abuse, seem to have been brain-washed to believe the abuse is only because he’s o stressed, or I’ll, or struggling so badly, and us leaving would be a diabolical thing to do to some we’re supposed to love and care for.

The thinking becomes so skewed as to believe it’s better and right thing to stay. They break up their relationships and yet blame us for breaking up the family. Their lack of responsibility is all it is.

Make some time each day just for your own thoughts to challenge ‘his’ wrong beliefs

Warmest wishes ts

[fizzylem]

We only get one life; and it is for living. Every day not lived is stuff to step on for growth x

[Iwantmeback]

Too true Fizzylem.

And again thank you TS for your kind words. You are truly a angel amongst us

[Benson]

I can remember feeling so guilty for leaving at the beginning and then it subsided. But the feeling of guilt nearly led me back to him- just stay strong. Today I have had the return of the feeling of guilt as my young child suddenly, out of the blue, something they have never said before and they are very young. They to,d me they had been dreaming as they wish they had a dad, I told them they do have a dad, they asked why they don’t see him and I had to explain in age appropriate terms. They then repeated that they want a mummy and a daddy and then started telling my about friends who have amummy and daddy. I feel absolutely broken and guilty that they now don’t have that, it’s something that can’t be fixed!

[fizzylem]

Have you tried any books Benson? There’s a few out there for children that can help. They will adjust in time, kids are great at adapting. You have nothing to feel guilty about, his actions and lack of responsibilty got you all here and nothing else x

[Anonymous]

It’s heart wrenching when they ask why things are different from other kids dad wise. I’m sure they will thank you one day for keeping them safe. I think it’s better to have no father figure there though rather than an abusive one. The guilt is his as it’s down to his actions. Xx

[Anonymous]

It’s heart wrenching when they ask why things are different from other kids dad wise. I’m sure they will thank you one day for keeping them safe. I think it’s better to have no father figure there though rather than an abusive one. The guilt is his as it’s down to his actions. Xx

[Freedomwarrior]

DIYmum I couldn’t agree with your last statement more . My ex was so abusive towards me yet the court system seem to think that these individuals can still be permitted to see their children . I really don’t know that their is anything healthy in the relationship that they can offer them ?

[itwillbeokay]

This is really helpful for me to read this morning (logging on here is the first thing I do every morning with my coffee before the children wake up). The past few sessions with my counsellor I’ve felt have been taken up by my horrendous constant draining sad feelings of guilt at leaving him, building a better life, being happy aside from the feelings about him weighing me down day in day out and currently he doesn’t even see our children. This man is a stranger to us now and I loved him so much for such a long time, I really thought we’d get through it (that things would change, get better if this or that happened), but we didn’t and I am virtually no contact with him now, a process that has happened steadily over the past months. He has one channel of communication left due to threatening unpredictable abusive messages and concerning behaviour but so far he has chosen not to use it. I feel like I live on a knife edge over it all but get on with our new happy lives as best I can with this bubbling away internally. The guilt is a heavy suitcase to lug around as I suspect his life is sad lonely and pretty dreadful really. But it is his behaviour in every sense that has brought us to here. Behaviour when we lived there and since. It’s heartbreaking and my older child mentions Daddy. Never gets to when will I see Daddy funnily enough but he will in time I’m sure. Thank you for the tips on the children’s books.

Much love to all dealing with this. It’s the hardest thing but you’re not alone xxxxxx

[Raincloud]

This is also really helpful for me to log in and read this morning. This community has really helped me over the last couple of months, when I have been searching for answers and looking for support reading the forums has really helped. In times when I have felt completely insane due to gas-lighting for such a long time, I have always found an answer from this community.

The sense of guilt I think for me is personally one of the hardest things to overcome, I often feel that if I would have stayed could I have made it work. Of course I tried my hardest and overstayed ‘to make it work for the children’.

My children still see their father, facilitated contact by his family once a week, they could have more but choose not too. My eldest (not very old) often comes home and asks questions about why Daddy can’t visit at our home? Why won’t I allow Daddy to do this or do that? Normally questions that have been fed into the brain after contact. In age appropriate terms I explain why Mummy and Daddy are no longer together but we both love them very much. My youngest has never lived properly in a home with two parents together, but both children have witnessed a lot. My eldest shared in group time at nursery what had made her sad ‘My Daddy shouts at my Mummy and he hurts her’. Has anyone else dealt with such things from young children? What are the books called?

Sending massive hugs to everyone xx

[Author]

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