25th April 2016 at 8:53 pm #15271
As I was washing the pots and pans tonight, I was thinking how that was my life for so many years.
From dawn to dusk, constantly on the go, slaving, washing, shopping, cooking, pandering to him, slogging 24/7, cramming in housework end child-rearing with work, sometimes so that I didn’t actually sleep for days, as I did night duties to minimise nursery fees and was slogging with things alone. He got angry if I asked him to do his bit.
It hit me that for years, I paid for the endless food, kids clothes, holidays, all the furniture, whilst he paid the odd bill (our mortgage was mainly covered by something else) and that he must have been stashing it away for years, and I know this as a proven fact, but for some reason today it really hit me that this was the case, and that I was mad to just carry on blindly and never question anything. I never dared ask him where his earnings went.
I know if I had questioned, I would have been threatened with abandonment or punished in some way, but how could I have carried on putting my heart and soul into things for years, when somewhere I must have understood what head doing? Maybe I didn’t know. Maybe I was really that naive. But what adult is so trusting and blind? I mean, I know I wasn’t money-minded, but honestly, my doormat behaviour was just plain stupid.
Then I began thinking, how could he be so callous and criminal-minded and clinical towards his own wife? How could be happily watch me perform culinary tricks and exhaust myself over the years, and not feel guilty, just carry on eating the food I bought no prepared, even slagging off my cooking?
I remember reading once that a psychopath could happily eat a burger whilst watching you drown. This is how it is with him. He felt no guilt, no twinge of conscience. He was laughing inside at my gullibility. He must have been bemused at how he could have ever been so lucky to find anyone so constistently stupid.
I never felt loveable, and when I think about what he has gone, it only confirms it. I gave my all, and it wasn’t enough.
I went to a new group today, and had to tell my tale to the new outreach workers. The first thing they asked when hearing how he left and was trying to leave me high and dry was whether he had found someone else. You can kill yourself raising a family and pandering to these abusers- stopping short of wiping their backsides- and be dropped like you are yesterday’s news without them giving a toss.
However, he hasn’t left me alone since, and I know this is due to his rage that I dared to divorce him and take him to court – he wanted me to pine for him and have a breakdown.
I have been pretty upbeat, but every so often it hits you, and it’s hard not to feel pretty d**n worthless.
25th April 2016 at 9:15 pm #15278
Thanks, I do feel proud of myself that I haven’t gone under, that I have managed to keep the house afloat and that my boys seem happy and settled.
Bearing in mind the huge dimensions of the plan he had to destroy me, he must be fizzing with fury. He thinks he is intellectually superior to everyone, yet I outed him. I am cleverer than he thought.
However, at certain moments ( often when you are tired, or something triggers you), the reality of it hits you.
25th April 2016 at 9:49 pm #15283
Well, the hard thing about recovery is that you have these little steps back.
I am happy to live relatively peacefully now. Even with two boys in the house! I can’t believe I put up with his drama for so long.
I do feel hopeful for the future. When I get tired, I can feel a bit low, as I have a chronic tiredness condition, thanks to the abuse. I wish I could feel physically well. It’s a struggle to keep it under control.
Whilst I struggle with tiredness, he is happily climbing mountains. That’s how little these abusers are affected! X*x
25th April 2016 at 10:00 pm #15286Peaceful PigParticipant
You were not stupid or blind. No-one wants to believe people are that cruel on purpose.
Now you are remembering the enormous amounts of energy you used when he was around, think about where that energy is now? Where did it go? Where do you direct it now? Try to gather it in your mind, harness it and then direct the whole lot of it towards healing you in every little way you can think of x*x
25th April 2016 at 10:19 pm #15293Bridget Jones Is FreeParticipant
I agree with Peaceful Pig, direct your energy when you realise harder than ever what has gone on. I also agree that he will realise what he has lost…i can see a clever caring person, when he needs someone to care for him, he will miss you, Karma will come.
25th April 2016 at 10:37 pm #15298Confused123Participant
beleive in karma, it will hit them in the face, we sleep with a clear conciseous, they dont
25th April 2016 at 10:54 pm #15304martian29Participant
I know how you feel. My ex was the same. I did everything, look after our boys, all the cleaning and cooking while he did absolutely nothing. He did nothing but go to work and his job was very cushy. He got paid lots of money for basically sitting on his bottom. When he got home he expected quiet well – behaved kids, a home cooked meal from scratch and a clinically clean home. He would shout and scream if he came home to anything else. He never lifted a finger in his own house and had me there pandering to his every need like a slave. He used me as his unpaid housekeeper for years while he stashed all his money away. He kept making excuses to postpone getting married as he schemed all along not to marry me so that I couldn’t get anything by law should I dare to leave. I put all my money and savings into his house but have no proof as he said my savings could go on renovations and furniture which I have no proof of. He took everything off me financially and left me penniless and homeless while he hid all his money.
It has been so hard to get over. Somebody that you share over two decades with, bear children with and give your mind, body and soul to can be so evil and scheming. He is a true n********t. I have no tears left to cry over him any more. I feel nothing for him any more but hatred and contempt. He has eliminated his own sons out of his life now as he has another poor victim. He is carrying on like a teenager, going on holidays and days out with his new supply. It makes me seethe to think he is spending money on this woman as she doesn’t work and is on benefits for mental illness when our boys and I went without decent food and clothes all the years we were with him. She is reaping the rewards for all my hard work and stupidity in letting him walk all over me.
I try not to think about it too much as it drives me crazy. I am trying to concentrate on the positive things now like how much better we all feel without him in our lives and despite all his money he will never know what love feels like. He will end up alone one day as no other woman would put up with what I did and his sons hate him. He has no family except for a sister who is selfish and doesn’t care about anybody but herself. I hope karma bites him big time in the future and in the meantime, I will be concentrating on healing our sons and my life. Hopefully there is a brighter future for us all with no contact with him. I wish all you ladies the same. XX
26th April 2016 at 10:28 am #15329SuntreeParticipant
You could almost be writing my story expect I also had to pay the mortgage on top everything else .
I was trapped by him very quickly, he picked a strong woman, because I would work at things and not throw the towel in. Think how strong you have to be to do everything we had to just to survive and protect our families.
I was also scared, scared that I wouldn’t survive. He knew the things that scared me the most, he also knew that if I took on a commitment then I would do my very best to keep that commitment, he knew my soft spots. He worked all of those, he would also break me and then help me get back on my feet just enough and when I started getting too strong he would start the cycle again. And sleep deprivation was a big one in keeping me in line.
I wish I knew that I could have left a lot earlier and not just survived but fly. The things I was scared of were just in my head and society saying clap trap to be honest. Staying just made things in the end even harder a lot harder.
I wish I was able to see “that trying to hang on to my childhood dream and thinking I had got to my childhood dream I just needed to work harder at it. I trying to make a purse out of a sows ear.
Yes I got to taste my dream, I got to live some of it in a way and because of that it was even harder to let go. Until I realised I had to let go of the dream in order to keep the kids safe. If it was just me I don’t know I probably would have still be trying to work it out. Because I still would have been scared of the pain and the loss that I would have endured.
Has he left me alone, he has now, but then I changed and behind me is a whole lot of quiet support. He didn’t get what he really wanted, he wanted money. I don’t have it to give and he even though he hides a lot of his cash in hand earnings still has a lot more than me, he also has a bunch of earning that I can’t touch because of the way the law is worded. but if you talk to him then I am the one who is raking it in and he doesn’t have two pennies to rub together.
He owes me thousands and I learnt the hard way that not chasing him made no difference to how he treated me or the children. But now actually holding him responsible for his actions or inaction has meant he now finally left us alone and he has disappeared. I don’t care how he paints me to others, the truth is there if people want to take the time to see it. he is a charmer and a very good user of others to get his own needs met.
Him disappearing is horrible in a way for the kids, they are grieving and in limbo.
In a way I wish I left years ago, then I remind myself that I did leave and for that I can’t beat myself up for not leaving before hand.
I faced everything he could throw at me and I am sure somewhere down the line he will try again. This time I hope there will be enough time for me to have given the children enough tools and protected them enough that they will be able to see through the charm and the manipulation to the real him, because it will be them he will go after.
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