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I have gone no contact and been doing so well resisting the urge to message him and tell him I miss him. I miss him so much. I know that it’s the trauma bond and what I am missing is not real, I’m just missing and grieving for what I wanted, which is not what it actually was.
(detail removed by moderator) he sent me a message saying he misses me, loves me, wants to talk to me and he’s confused about my actions. He really doesn’t understand why I left. I recognise this is an attempt to hoover me back. I suspect he was drunk and possibly been rejected by someone else so was feeling sorry for himself.
Dispute everything he did when I was still there and everything he has done since I left, this has left me feeling so guilty that I left the way I did. I tried to explain to him so many times that the way he treated me was not OK. He doesn’t get it. I feel guilty for leaving, guilty for not speaking to him since I left. I keep imagining what it could be like if I did go back. Has he realised what he lost? Would he treat me better?
If I did go back, my family and friends would not understand. They have seen how he is and how he’s been since I left. He’s not been nice. I am a mess emotionally, an absolute mess. I’m so confused. I know what he is and what I should do, but the desire to go back is unreal and makes no sense.
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Oh lovely, this is a horrible feeling but you said it yourself, you told him a hundred times why you were unhappy. He knows why you left. He knows. Yet he’s still playing dumb, playing the victim and whilst he’s in denial about being the problem he hasn’t & wont change. He’s fishing to see if you bite, stay strong & don’t. You are fighting an addiction, don’t cave xx
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Ah that sounds like a difficult conflict of emotions. I have several years of no contact and when I occasionally check my emails I get demands for money from my abuser who really hasn’t changed yet complains that I’ve failed to keep in touch! I don’t owe them an explanation, just got away for my own safety.
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Aww this sounds so hard for you. Stay strong! This is totally a way to lure you back, remember who is the victim- he doesn’t deserve you back. As Lundy Bancroft says most perpetrators simply cannot change because there are so many steps to go through and most are too entitled that they don’t really think they’ve done anything wrong, so why should they change?! You said he doesn’t know what he did wrong, that’s a sign in itself! Stay strong, you are worth more than this! X
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