Hoovering experiences

[Bananaboat]

Just wondering what kind of things people have experienced when your abuser has tried to hoover you back in? Especially the more subtle / less grand or over the top ones.

[diymum@1]

sending a photo standing outside a (removed by moderator) right by the sign! too much info maybe sorry !!

[Pinkvelvet]

Telling me he’s just not been very well but has been working to improve things in himself. We’re just strangers now, so we may as well go on a date, ‘as friends’, and just see. That’s what he’s most sad about, losing the friendship. Losing his best friend. Sending cute pics of his dog that I also really miss.

And then when the answer is no, sending me a ton of verbal abuse after being nice.

[Eggshells]

Admitting to everything he’d done and telling me how remorseful he was. Pretending he was having counselling to get better. Trying (in vain) to make me jealous of his potential future girlfriends 😂😂. Periods of happiness and niceness.

Tbh I can’t remember much more. His behaviour during the divorce was so appalling I’m struggling to recall the hoovering.

[Shura]

looking back, one of the most disgusting things he did was, he was picking up our daughter once and when they were leaving he (removed by moderator) whilst my daughter wasn`t looking .
that followed by a text after (removed by moderator) asking me what i think he looks like now, working out, looking after himself and all. after a while i found out he had a new victim in his life at that point. that day i just thought to myself how while he is , now i know why hed done it. so many of things, words and situations make so much sense now

[Bananaboat]

Thanks everyone this is reassuring and they are odd aren’t they! I’m getting random texts about our shared child, memories that kind of thing, plus when I drop child off he’s expecting me to stay as if we’re on a day out together but when I question this I get ‘we’re friends’ type comments. Then silly criticisms about stuff too but all subtle. Good to hear others experiences xx

[Blankcanvas]

I have just spent the last year experiencing this.

Apologies, working on himself. Working in a different environment to help with his mental health.
Helping out financially, contributing to school items/days out. Super mr nice. Hanging around longer for nice chats.
I thought oh this is so positive we’ve turned a chapter. No it’s just hoovering.
We’re now in the nasty cycle of abuse again.
His mr nice act didn’t get him the results he wanted. I was able to put boundaries in place and keep physical distance. It’s all mind games. Back to minimal contact and snarky texts

[Bananaboat]

Yes exactly this, hanging around for chats, inviting me in at pick up or saying stay watch something, offering a bit extra in maintenance (well when he does pay), offering treats like drink/sweets. I’m trying to stay civil as possible but I know it’s an act which is unsettling in itself and I saw a glimpse of the true colours recently so I know it’s definitely bubbling under there. Hope you’re ok x

[Twisted Sister]

Yes, so long as you always remember what you know..that he’s not your friend, hiding just beneath the surface is your enemy!

[Bananaboat]

Yes I know, this is definitely top of my list. I recently made a comment about him not being my responsibility anymore and I saw a flicker in him, that warning where if we’d been together I’d have known a reaction was going to be given later that day. He’s not changed, it’s all an act!

[Hereforclarity]

I can relate to a lot on here. Thankfully the hoovering has mostly calmed down after a pattern of it happening after (detail removed by Moderator) breakups.

My ex would take routes where he would be likely to bump into me i.e. (detail removed by Moderator). He would randomly text me something that is really hard not to reply to… i.e. (detail removed by Moderator).

(detail removed by Moderator) it’s seemed to have taken a twist where he’s randomly attempting to update me on his dating life it seems… e.g. (detail removed by Moderator)… He’s even gone as far as texting me about an (detail removed by Moderator).

I’m assuming these recent messages are designed to get a reaction from me and bizarrely (and badly) disguised as courtesy… When I’m typing it out – they’re not so subtle and it’s clear he wanted to let me know he was moving on/sleeping with people again. It’s almost funny he would go as far as letting me know about (detail removed by Moderator) to do this!

I think you can often tell with the random hoovering texts they’re designed so – If I were to call him out on his attention seeking behaviour, he would immediately twist it and tell me I was being hostile when he’s only trying to be responsible/sensitive. This seems to be thematic with lots of women I speak to about this kind of thing is that there’s a lot of maddening deniability to the way they reach out.

I’ve found the most peace by completely ignoring this kind of hoovering. I know it’s much more complicated when there’s kids involved but I wonder if there’s a way for you to minimise engaging when you know he’s being manipulative/wanting a specific reaction from you. I hope things feel a bit easier and manageable for you soon and I’m sorry you have to keep dealing with him

[Bananaboat]

Thank you ❤️ I’m keeping any texts short and factual, I’m not reacting to any displays of emotion. I
Know not to rely on his words and to watch his actions. He’s tried talking about other women saying he’s not interested, but I just don’t reply as I know it’s all lies. I want to scream ‘we’re not friends’ but at the same time not react and give him any ammo to twist. It’s exhausting isn’t it x

[Hereforclarity]

Exhausting really is the word. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job keeping contact as neutral as you can. This must be so draining for you!

I know lots of women have felt better once they’d formalised child contact and developed a routine where they don’t have to see their ex during handovers. I’m sure it’s something you’ve thought about before and I don’t know your situation – but I wonder if there’s a way for you too. I just wish no one had to keep on staying in contact with abusive ex partners. It seems so unfair.

Trust your intuition and take care of yourself x*x

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Bananaboat, I Hope you are ok?

Wow ladies.. so many hoovering tactics. Mine uses some bizarre over the top ways to hoover… Claimed someone close had died and acted traumatised… there was no death, he claimed his therapist helped him and he now realises he wasn’t happy and understands that now as he is much happier now if only I would give him a chance. Working out and getting himself all buff, trying to fix things in our home so he can come in (he did b****r all DIY in the many tears we were together and the home needs everything doing)… I find looking back so strange now as I can see him for what he is.

❤️

[Bananaboat]

I’m ok thanks but it’s definitely more mind f***ery, part of me feels deeply sorry for him as he seems lost & lonely and the other part is tough as nails thankfully and doesn’t trust him at all but it’s blooming tough some days and I’ve found myself crying more lately, perhaps not a bad thing as it helps to process stuff. God they’re master manipulators and deeply broken 😢 Hope you’re ok, that’s a real low claiming someone has died!! And I can relate to the diy stuff, my ex keeps wanting to check the car and offer with diy too. xx

[Hereforhelp]

Morning Bananaboat, i am ok thanks this week… divorce petition has gone out and I feel less anxious now the waiting is over.

I was thinking about the lost, lonely act (mine does this act)… it makes it hard as you were bonded to your ex, you loved your ex and he is claiming to be deeply affected by you separating hmmmm…. I think they act that way as they sense it affects us (being an empath means we recognise how they are feeling right but their act is fake so actually there’s nothing to relate to with them as they are not lost, vulnerable or sorry… mine acted out like he was truly depressed/suicidal when in reality he had gone on a dating site to find his next victim… whom he now lives with.

The subtle was recently and was an email I received about some sort of family membership and family day out info, the more time goes on the more subtle I find my ex’s attempts, still impacts but on a lesser level.

You have kept incredibly strong throughout this Bananaboat ❤ what has your ex done to try and hoover?

[Bananaboat]

This is so relatable! He’s recently confessed to having a new gf which I’d always suspected as he can’t be alone, even for an afternoon, and that they’ve been together for a while but this would all be whilst hoovering me.

At a family event he invited me and I declined, but on the day sort of tricked me into going using our child (I got out asap), he keeps asking if we are friends every time I see him, giving me compliments, offering to buy drinks, calling me an amazing ex. (detail removed by Moderator). He’s offered to check my car, do diy, go on ‘family’ days out, tells me of conversations he’s supposedly had with mates about how great I am as a person (funny as apparently they all hated me when together lol) all whilst barely seeing our child, sporadically paying maintenance and owning me a lot in unpaid bills from when we were together.

He’s started playfully (detail removed by Moderator) when talking and tried to hug me recently but I pull away each time and say stop it. Not to mention using the terms of endearment similar to darling, babe etc (not those ones so it’s not identifiable). He even sent photos recently of our shared child and mixed among them was one of him posing (fully clothed!! But like you’d put on a dating site or send to a gf). I can’t talk to anyone about it as I sound crazy, and their advice is to cut contact but I can’t with a child, Like I say I’m just trying to keep replies short and factual and contact to a minimum, but it’s just more games isn’t it. Good luck with the divorce, the anxiety through is exhausting so look after yourself xx

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