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I don’t know how to describe what’s happening but I know my husband is using the typical tactics to get me to come back.
So how about making a list?
Epiphany! He has understood…only when you ask what he has understood, I hear my words, my explanations and an analysis of his attitude, some of which is horrendous, appears completely missing. He wants to avoid discussing the details, the list, the absurdity, etc. It’s simply that he has understood.
Improving the house. DIY, garden, mirroring in his actions all the things he knows matter to me, making a beautiful nest.
Being kind financially, to me and the kids. I was scrutinised, investigated by the bank for x, a simple thing which we all use to pay bills, I was warned to use my own money to buy x when I refused to have him come with me to buy a necessary home item, text, text, text after text as I went shopping. Recently he offered to pay for x and did the same while I was at the refuge. He also helped one of my children when usually a small contribution towards her needs has to be “earned” by her…
Promises. His substance abuse, can’t say which one, won’t happen again…how many times have I asked for that!? But he has understood and that’s it, no more of it!
Kind text messages. Do I need help, do I mind this, do I mind that? How about doing this, that?
Physical closeness. He moved close to me as he bent to do x, and I could feel he was trying to see how close I would allow him to come to sort x. It’s as if he needed to see how much of a work team we could be, and I could feel in my gut his way of pushing my physical boundaries despite the circumstances in which we live. A minor task we had to do which carried a lot of messages from a body language point of view.
Organising things with kids and sharing minor good news. What a good dad he is because one child achieved x and y and z.
Using manipulation and using kids as a psychological torture. I miss my family, my kids, my life as a mum. He uses the right words to show he knows I am sad etc. And how good would it be for us all if I came back…
The list goes on.
But one thing strikes me, It’s still my duty to accept, move on, only come back if I am willing to work towards a new start…forget what happened, do not mention it, don’t speak about anything and only come back if (and that’s the condition I clearly heard) I am willing to show I want to work “with him” on improving things.
In other words, he can be squeaky clean but my resulting feelings (lack of trust, fear, anger etc) must not come up or it’s pointless for me to come back. I clearly heard “only…if you…”
The biggest red flag he has always displayed is the “epiphany”… I must say I was so tempted. I longed for all the beautiful things I loved which I used to cherish in order to survive and compensate for his absurd attitude. I relied for years on my huge resilience and ability to overcome things. I could feel myself melt again. I was clearly tempted and it was so overpowering.
I took time to think, aware I needed to withdraw back. In 24 hours I fed myself videos online on abuse, on manipulation, on violence, the lot. I watched some on hoovering. And I have MY epiphany!
My kids clearly get confused with his tactics, all orchestrated in front of them. I appear calm, so wanting to be happy, to want to start again and make an effort…and the kids think what if, and is it mum who is the problem when they see him make the “right” efforts…manipulation…It’s all a show.
But what a powerful show he puts on…! It’s hard not to fall victim again and i can see why I need to keep reiterating all that i now know, and avoid being one of those victims who on average go back 7 times before they finally understand…
I don’t think it’s understanding that eventually stops us going back, It’s a pain that’s beyond our strength, be it physical via violence or emotional via psychological torture or both.
Those abusers know exactly what they are doing!!
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Insisting upon my silence and trying to force me to ‘forget’ everything he had done ( only for him to continue to do those things) was what my ex did.
There’s no recognition of the weight of what they did, accepting that they have hurt others and need to make amends and change. They’d rather force issues, and use cunning ways to weaken you and make you feel it’s your duty to comply. They manipulatively try to get you to ignore what your gut is telling you.
From all you’ve said, he’s as irresponsible, sly and manipulative as ever! He’s just changed tactics!
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Hi Bridget,
That’s an awful amount of access he has to you which is good for him (he’s still getting his kicks) and bad for you, as you can’t move on and he is still in your head. How would you feel if you
-blocked him so you didn’t know if he was texting you or not
-didn’t go to your family home so you didn’t need to set eyes on him and meet your children elsewhereThen his words and actions wouldn’t be able to get into your head and you could forget about him and his antics and concentrate on you and your children and moving on without him. Post if this is hard for you to do. I know its easy to say harder to do. But we can help you with that, with going No Contact with your ex.
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My husband spent some time with us recently as it was a family occasion that we both had to attend. He was lovely to everyone. No snide comments, just a really decent normal man.
The next day he asks whether we could have a family day out some time in the future and also whether i’d go out with him at some point!
He’s making no attempt at changing yet thinks all he has to do it spend one day playing the normal man and i’ll forget what he’s like after a few month’s!
I know he’s not an idiot! so the answer is, he thinks i’m an idiot! And I have been many times in the past :'( So why shouldn’t he think that all he has to do is win me over with a meal and a family day out?
I don’t even bother talking to him about the abuse anymore because I know he will never change! -
Bridget Jones is Free,
You sound like you are doing am amazing job of taking care of yourself, stepping back, following your intuition amongst what sounds like horrible continued abuse- using your kids to manipulate you, being devious, hoovering etc etc
Sometimes we have to revisit factual and validating information on abuse to remind ourselves how bad it was as we are being manipulated so hard in the other direction and prone to forget or minimise the realities.It sounds like you are receiving a tsunami of manipulation yet you are standing strong. The tone of this post sounds so much stronger than your post from the other day where you were really questioning everything. You know the truth and despite his attempts to confuse you he is fighting a formidable opponent. Well done- he is trying to steal your soul back and you are refusing to let that happen. That takes courage and strength xx
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Hi there BJiF you seem to be aware of his tactics and moving away from all the BS…as LoNC suggests, what about a bit of NC to see how that medicine goes down with him…umm I wonder! I know how charming and manipulative they are, which can come across as …hey look I’m still a nice guy…like no your not, though…your rotten inside!
Well done for re visiting the videos etc …I read a bit of the (detail removed by moderator) author recently, who describes ‘them’ to a T and personally I had to read it, like you, to remind myself of the horrible reality.Hoovering is a powerful tool..we all know where it leads..to more misery and hurt, physical emotional financial.
His writing tells it like it is, and all about us ‘survivors’ searching for answers to questions that almost all of the time can’t be answered..now I know who I was with I, like you can see a red flag be it him, family, friends etc.
I could have been hoovered back into negative relationships, because I didn’t know what they were doing, looking after number one, changing the goal posts, ‘loading the gun’and letting me fire it! Empaths can do this so easily to protect the other…try NC?
Cx
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