Hope, lost.

[Teaandcats]

Writing-what-I-would-be-crying and not necessarily wanting advice.

I’m not doing good. I feel completely hopeless and can’t see things getting any better. Head is dark and very low.

I had a telephone appointment with the IDVA who’s been allocated to me. I didn’t realise how much hope I had pinned on this call… I’d expected something helpful to come from it but instead feel completely let down and like things will never get any better.

I’ve been forced onto this pathway of action and change and not had moment to breathe. All of the things I’d agreed to do have caused me more anxiety than I ever imagined was possible and I’m completely drained and have nothing left to give.
I’d hoped this call with the IDVA would give me some answers or take some of the ‘jobs’ off of me. And yet she says the things I’ve already done under pressure from social worker reduces my risk. She said I can press charges or she can sign post me to other services(detail removed by moderator) and said I’m the one who’s going to make the calls, referrals etc – she can point me to the right place/service. There’s nothing else she can do, because I’m not high risk enough any more and the practical things have already been done. She said I need to (detail removed by moderator).

I’ve been so, so proactive. I’ve done so much with minimal support.
I don’t have the energy to do anything else. I just can’t any more. Please do it for me. Or give me a bit of time to rest.

I’m not high risk enough now.
But I’m not any less scared of the sound of the letter box flapping in these winds storms because it might be him at the door. I’m not any more independent because we’re tied together by the children and finances. He’s still twisting things, controlling where he can, making comments and sending me his secret messages, talking to other people about what I’ve done and how crazy and awful I am. He’s in my head and in my life and I cannot get away from him.

The past few weeks I’ve been thinking about bringing him ‘back’. I don’t want another go at the relationship – I’ve not loved him for a long time and we’ve been Separated for a while.
I know what he is and how unhealthy it is to be in the same house as him. That it would be a big backward step and I’d probably regret it. Ridiculous, girl. Ridiculous.
I know what I’d say (and what I have said) if/when another person on this forum has had these thoughts. Hypocrite.
But in all honesty, it seems like it would be easier. At least I’d know what to expect and when. Our children would stop with asking to see him and those family pictures they draw wouldn’t be so jolting. If he’s here, they can’t tell me how much they miss him, how much they prefer him, ask when he’ll next be here…
And there would be someone there. Even if they’re constantly telling me how useless/stupid/etc I am, it would be another person. Tragic.

I don’t even know what words to explain why I’m thinking about bringing him back. I feel like I’ve got more fight when he’s here. And right now, I can’t do anything else. Maybe having him here will make me do something again…make me proactive because at least the high-alert gives me the energy to do something.

I don’t know. I feel so lost and alone.

Hope was a dangerous thing. Wish I’d never had it.

[Grey Rock]

Sending hugs your way.

You know what you need to know about him and the relationship, but it sounds like you’re still exhausted. Keep blocking every way you can. Any contact will be dangerous while you’re so tired and desperate for sone kind of end to the harassment.

It will likely take time for him to tire in his persuit. Just remember that he needs supply to energize him and any emotional reaction from you (positive or negative) will fue
l him.

I remember how scary it is to have the ex trying to turn people against me, telling lies and twisting truths. Just try to trust that the friends who love you will see through this. I ended up having less aquaintences, but learned who my best friends were through it. Also who never to trust.

It feels like an insane tsunami to be caught up in it, and they do it to wear us into submission and come back to stop things getting worse. But this is the worst bit. The darkest clouds. There is light just beyond. Please don’t give up now.

God bless and keep you.

GR x*x

[Watersprite]

Just sending you a hug. The darkest days are before the dawn x

[nbumblebee]

Theres always hope even in the darkest of days.
A smile on your childrens faces, that quiet calm when having a cuppa alone safe free, small little things we often overlook hang on to those.
Hope is always there some days you just gotta look a little bit harder but shes is there.
Im sorry I cant help you much more Ive not left so cant comment but know you are not ever alone.
Sending hugs xxxxx

[orangefrog]

Just want to give you a huge hug. You are not alone. I know I have felt that it would be easier to just go back. Why when I’ve done everything to protect my family does the support fall away? You are amazing and your children are so lucky to have you. Better days are to come. Be kind to yourself – you’ve got this x*x

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