21st March 2016 at 7:55 am #11985
Hi Hope Springs ( and other ladies ),
I think it was you, Hope Springs, who mentioned that your abuser’s behaviour escalated when you became more successful / confident.
This was a real dynamic in my relationship, I have realised. Whereas for months, I blamed myself, thinking he treated me as he did because of A, B and C, I can now see quite clearly that it was very often because he resented me being successful or even happy.
He wanted me to be unhappy and to never reach my potential. The fact I dared think anything of myself angered him. And yet, if you do listen to them and not achieve, then they look down on you as weak and pliable!
It would really help to hear your and other ladies’thoughts on and experiences of this.
21st March 2016 at 9:34 am #11989White RoseParticipant
Absolutely true. In the relationship I simply gave up. Didn’t really progress career or interests and he despised all of it and made my life hell when I needed to do a course of try for promotion. I lost my confidence in my work ability and still haven’t regained it – not sure I will to be honest!
When I left he upped his game when I was pretty vulnerable and that made me depressed. Every step along the way when I’ve felt progress was being made and i knew what he was doing was wrong and stoop up for myself he found something to get at me with.
It’s all about their control. They have to be on top of their game and the only way they can is by abuse so anything that threatens them they’ll simply escalate the abuse tactics against us or the ones we love.
21st March 2016 at 3:49 pm #12018
Hey yeah it was me. I was doing my degree when I met him and by Christ did he nearly spoil that on several occasions. Never managed it but got close on my final year. He couldn’t hold down a job and struggled to obtain one. He was also booted out of two flats and came to live with me. He really resented I was doing what I loved. Jealous. When I got my first job doing the career I loved and we moved to a nice flat that I was paying for he really upped the ante. There was more physical incidents then than any time. I began to get more confidence as my career was taking off and he couldn’t handle it. I didn’t see this at the time, only now I really looking back that I can. Worst so and so amount of years of my life being with him. He almost ruined what was meant to be s great time for me and I am so glad that somehow I found the strength not to let him. We truly are amazing ladies to go through all this and keep going. Xx
21st March 2016 at 3:56 pm #12019
Also meant to say the things he said and his verbal “outbursts” became more frequent and more vicious. All the while blaming me, turning things around, constantly picking at me until I would snapback (Who wouldn’t at this point?) still feel like I am justifying my actions at times
22nd March 2016 at 7:51 am #12052Red1Participant
Hi yes I had this too, I was studying for a degree which took up far too much of my time so there was always things coming up that needed my attention. Every single exam period without fail, there would be a major upsetting tantrum, I ended up under the mental health team but ultimately I failed the degree. I was placed on a work based qualification and I am so thankful for my tutor as long story short I’ve finally completed a course!
Even work was a sticking point. First I would be sniped at when I wasn’t in paid employment, I used to volunteer and he hated it with a passion because it didn’t bring money in but took up my time. All jobs I’ve worked I’ve been reminded, especially on public holidays, that I’d be going to work for a full day but if he did overtime he’d make more in just 2-3 hours. Totally demoralising. I did some agency work which meant I was out at various times and various sites, he complained and complained. Became super supportive when I applied for (and got) a job where I’d always be in the same place and the clincher was he knows someone who works there too!
With my qualification now I can (if I want to) apply for promotion where I am now or elsewhere so if I do and he finds out and starts off again I will let you know! X
22nd March 2016 at 8:17 am #12053SilkyHalideParticipant
My experience was quite different. I was encouraged and supported on the face of it regarding career but there were significant times when “overtime” was an issue and any attempt by me to down grade (either because unhappy, being bullied at work, or as a way to get different skills/different path, then when I felt the children needed me around more)was belittled, ridiculed or dismissed out of hand.
I also say on the face of it because if childcare issues, children’s needs being met issues arose it was my problem…..he would say to ask him but then rarely able to step in and I lost a job mainly through running around after the children and dealing with childcare issues when I should have been working. He (and I stood by)alowed the children to erase thier grandma so I was even more isolated from help.
Then when things came to a head he expressed concern I was doing too much and had no time to put him and children first, but it wasn’t the job he wanted me to give up it was my family.
22nd March 2016 at 8:21 am #12054SilkyHalideParticipant
Oh and when I lost jobs through all this he was so angry and demeaning and I was lazy and trying to “take the p**s” putting him under too much pressure.
22nd March 2016 at 8:22 am #12055
My ex would appear supportive on the surface too. He would say encouraging things but counteract that with all the bile he spewed too. Never lifted a finger around house and would expect me too cook/clean after hard 13 hour shifts at work/uni placement and trying to do essays and stuff too with him in my ear because he had nothing better to do.
22nd March 2016 at 12:51 pm #12068
My ex actually insisted on taking me to an interview- so he acted supportive on the surface- but then he made my life difficult when I got the job!
He resented being asked to look after his own children. It bored him, he couldn’t hack their growing pains and he took his frustration out on them by being unkind when I wasn’t there.
Though I had never queried his earnings and let him control his money, when I began to earn a bit more, he made me hand some over.
Was I stupid and naive to not ask anything about the finances? To trust him completely? What a mug.
Now I feel guilty for bringing two kids into the world, as one suffered his hatred ( well both, but one worse ) and the youngest is now forced to see him.
I feel I have just allowed a line of abuse to continue.
22nd March 2016 at 1:47 pm #12071Eve1Participant
I saw towards the end that nothing I did was going to be right. When I stayed home to look after the children, I just wanted a ‘meal ticket’, and me working was ok as long as it was something menial. Towards the end I did a short training course but didn’t feel confident enough to carry on further. My tutor said to me in front of ex I should carry on as I would be a loss to the profession. His face and response was completely blank! No encouragement at all. Yet in everything he did I helped him. Now I’ve still got pretty low self esteem and just want a job, haven’t got the energy for anything else.
Serenity, just wanted to say you haven’t let a line of abuse continue. You didn’t know he could be such a vile person. Don’t feel guilty for that. The blame is all his.
22nd March 2016 at 1:55 pm #12073
Ditto: mine was happy as long as my job was menial!
Isn’t that awful? x
22nd March 2016 at 2:23 pm #12074
I remember when I was struggling to find a job after qualifying he would act like he was encouraging and supportive. Then when we “argued” thr real him would come out saying I was jealous of my friends who could get jobs and i couldn’t.
22nd March 2016 at 2:24 pm #12075
Truth of it was he was a loser who couldn’t get/ keep a job
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