Hopeless

[Tryingtofindhope]

I’m sorry to post on here, I just need to let it all out. I feel so down and can feel the depression seeping in but if I can let it out a little, even if its just on here, it might not feel so overwhelming.
I just feel like such a weight is dragging me down. I feel stuck. I dont know how to move forward. All I do is think about how my actions will impact others. If i leave or if i dont, either way people are going to suffer. I cant cope with that feeling.
Now that i have accepted that ive suffered abuse, my mind is so foggy and confused. It was easier when i was numb to it. I feel so hopeless right now. I dont know where my strength has gone.

[KIP.]

‘This too shall pass’. One of my favourite sayings. Try to think of it as you cannot be the best friend, mother, sister, wife, partner or human being when you’re with an abuser. So by staying in an abusive relationship you will never fulfil your potential. Think of the aeroplane when the hostess says that you need to put your own oxygen mask on before you can help others. Try to think of it as by doing what is right for you to keep you happy and healthy then all those in your life will benefit. If it was any other form of injury and abuse is mental injury as well as physical, you would do everything possible to help yourself so why should abuse be any different. For me the indecision of doing nothing made everything worse. Once I’d acted my focus shifted to stying out and moving away. It’s not easy. It’s a rollercoaster and there will be good days and bad days but at least you will be in control. Staying in an abusive relationship stunts our growth. Gather that support network. Womens aid. People who support and understand you. Have a look online at the psychology behind saying no and why we as women and people pleasers find it so difficult. How saying no is a positive thing x

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel,
Its good that you are letting yourself have some emotion the tears will help and you are aloud to feel how you are feeling. Releasing is a good sign, move through that sadness to find your power.
You are considering everyone else’s suffering around you apart from your own.
Can I ask you why your feelings don’t matter but everyone else’s do?
Start to think about you and your life ahead, all these people care about you and want the best for you and if you want to help them you need to get yourself strong.
You might think you are protecting them now but what if they need your help and you are depleted. First and foremost you have to get yourself strong from the inside, otherwise you are no good to anyone.
I know that in my situation with my ex I brought a lot of pain and worry to my family, but all they wanted in the end was for me to be happy and healthy and strong and free.
Please start putting your needs first, it’ll be your road to freedom.
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Secretlife]

What you describe is exactly how I feel. I joined this forum a week ago. It was a complete shock to me to learn that what I have been putting up with is abuse. The fog in my mind is so thick I feel I can’t wade through it. I feel so numb and exhausted by it all. And the weight of it I can only compare to having a ball and chain around my mind. You are not alone, like me, you must be a strong person to have put up with it so far. I have tried over the weekend to get out the house as much as I can, go for a walk, try and meet up with a friend, try and ‘escape’ in your mind anyway you can, even if it’s only for an hour or two. I do feel for you.

[Tryingtofindhope]

Thank you secretlife for you words of encouragement. Im sorry that you feel this way too but I am glad you are finding strength from this groups and the time away to escape.

[ISOPeace]

This post is to Tryingtofindhope and Secretlife. Please don’t apologise for reaching out, that’s what this forum is here for. You have probably been conditioned by your abuser to believe that you don’t have the right to look after your own needs but you will find on this forum that everyone is behind you in respecting your own needs.

Abuse makes us feel weak and confused. The intention of the abuser is to keep you under control and so they need you to feel powerless. The fog that you and both mention is sometimes called the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) of abuse, because those are the feelings an abuser tries to generate in you to keep you stuck. So feeling stuck because of how other people will suffer is really a feeling your abuser has trained you to feel. Of course it natural to feel bad if your actions negatively affect others, but if that keeps you trapped in sacrificing your mental and physical health and wellbeing for another person, it’s a sign that you’ve been brainwashed into believing your rights as a human being don’t matter. I don’t know the details of your situation but I think it’s highly unlikely that you staying with your abuser is the best thing to do overall. Sure there may be some downsides to leaving, but the upsides to you being free of the grip of abuse will surely outweigh the downsides.

We numb to abuse and minimise it in order to survive. But we can only escape it and heal when we face up to it. I know it’s very hard. Numbing does seem easier, but it comes at a terrible cost. You lose yourself. The feelings you have now are actually a good sign even though it may not feel like it. For me, it was like I was on a barren island, barely surviving but doing my best. The only way to thrive was to leave the island. Then when I acknowledged the abuse it was like I could see that the only way to leave was to jump of a huge cliff and even looking over the edge was terrifying. It will take time to feel brave enough to feel those feelings and look over the edge. In time the view will become more familiar and you will feel able to look at it and then at last, to make that leap. But in the meantime, be kind to yourself. These things take time and the how and when can be different for everybody.

Keep reaching out for support. You will find so much understanding, kindness and wisdom on here. I also found the National Domestic Abuse Helpline brilliant and they can refer you to other places for support. Sending lots of love and support xxxx

[Secretlife]

Thank you ISOpeace for your post, I am learning so much from being in this forum and I hope Tryingtofindhope feels the same. I feel I am gaining strength from the support here, and knowledge which is helping me understand the situation I’m in (and it reassures me that I am not going crazy).

[Tryingtofindhope]

Thank you everyone. Just reading your comments gives me a little strength back and like Secretlife has said, reasures me that im not going crazy!
I wish i wasnt such a people pleaser, thats what makes this all so hard. Obviously my family are at the forefront of my mind and worry about them very much, but im even driving crazy myself worrying about how it will impact people that probably dont have a second thought for my wellbeing. My husband and i (detail removed by moderator) and hes made it quite clear if we split up he will walk away from everyone and everything never to be seen again. So im worrying about (detail removed by moderator) being let down, the list goes on and its exhausting!

[Anonymous]

Hello Tryingtofindhope,

Thank you for your post.
When I am struggling, I come on here and it’s so helpful to read the wisdom you all share.
I definitely think your partner is just threatening you with walking away as he knows you very well, he knows you feel a responsibility for everyone you (detail removed by moderator). I believe you have a great business mind, and you would flourish without him.
Looking at my situation, the thought of my ex partner walking away would be amazing.
Sharing kids or (detail removed by moderator) or anything with them means they will continue to have a way to get to you.
I also totally agree with KIP. You will be an even better person than you already are without your abuser. After getting away from my ex partner, I became an even better mother. My children saw and experienced much more than I realised. And my abuser blinded me to the abuse my children endured by brainwashing me.
I’m not sure what kind of abuser your partner is. But some pose more risk after a break up. Some will try to destroy your reputation and turn people against you, and others pose a physical threat among others things.
Seeking help from people who understand will help you prepare as much as you can.
You can hire someone to help you manage if your partner leaves. But something tells me you could manage without him. Just think of all the wasted energy you use to survive his abuse.
I wish you the best xx

[Secretlife]

Hello Tryingtofindhope. You are certainly in a difficult situation, and like me, being a people pleaser makes things even more difficult. I wonder if your husband would actually walk away from everything, or is he saying this to keep a hold on you? He would still need an income. Looking back on my life, my husband has certainly ‘homed in’ on my weaknesses which he knows will ground me and keep me stuck. I keep reminding myself and I’m hoping eventually when I feel strong enough, that this life is about ME, I am the most important person to me, and my sanity is paramount! This must be the same for you. I know my sanity is starting to suffer and I cannot continue living like this, no matter what. At the moment and in the meantime, I am trying to change things, trying to get out on my own more, doing things alone that I enjoy, when we are allowed to, I intend to see my friends far more that I did pre covid. I will have some breaks from his control, I’m determined. I hope you can try and find some ‘respite’ somehow, it will never solve our situation, but it helps a little xx

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