Hoping this doesn’t get deleted, no one els to talk to

[Starmoon]

I know there’s a strong chance this will be deleted as its identifying maybe?! But don’t have anyone or anywhere else to go to. After the trauma of first feeling my best option was to terminate this pregnancy… Driving hours to the clinic in an utter state of panic and rage and frankly being vile to my poor mum who is the only one to stand by me… I decided I couldn’t go ahead with the termination…  [removed by moderator]  I am losing my baby anyway :,(. im terrified and the only person I want is the man that has broken and destroyed me. He left me when I lost [detail removed by moderator] and I nearly died and he would not be here [detail removed by moderator] even if I begged him. I am so broken

[Starmoon]

I sent him an email for which I know he gets notifications and he hasn’t bothered to even reply 🙁

[Serenity]

Starmoon, your dynamics are the same as mine were in my marriage. I had a miscarriage, and he was cold and hostile like you describe. He wouldn’t even come to the hospital with me. He didn’t want to lose money by not going to work that day.

I know you are in the thick of it, and you are going through trauma bonding and all you can do is cut him off and work through this awful time with support. He’s shown his true colours again. He’s lifted his mask and invited you to see the real him. Don’t believe the mask he put on- this nasty character is the true him.

Unfortunately, there seem to be abusers like this everywhere. This isn’t due to a fault in you: these abusers just pick up on vulnerabilities and use people, in all areas of their life. It’s how they operate.

I know this is a dreadful time, and we are all here to support you.

I wanted to say that there is light at the end of the tunnel, if you have the courage eventually to turf him out of your life and realise you deserve better. No one should be treated as you have been treated by him.

[Starmoon]

I feel now like I did during my brake down last year.
I came to a stark realization that he was not an abuser and for some reason it was my perception of him that was wrong.. My realization came after I went to the one session of the freedom project and sat listening and realizing non of it sounded like him. I came home and read the dominator book, I can’t remember it’s name. and I was in dispare when I had finished because it, Because he didn’t fit the bill. When I lost off situations from the past where I felt his comments or treatment were unfair, it’s me clutching at straws to think of reasons to blame him 🙁

[Eve1]

Hi Starmoon,

I know what you’re saying. When I first read the dominator descriptions, those descriptions weren’t exactly my husband and i wasn’t sure at all. There was something of it but I couldn’t d say yes, absolutely. But as I st sure with him longer, I saw that generally, he was unkind and unfeeling to me, the mother of his children, and i was brainwashef by him. And it’s hard so early on in breaking up to be absolutely sure. But leaving you to deal with this alone is unforgivable.

Hugs and love
Eve
x

[Serenity]

I think from what you’ve told us on here, I definitely see signs of the Head Worker, King of the Castle and to a huge degree, The Water Torturer.

Even of you couldn’t easily see how he fits into these types, I want to assure you that the way he abandons you at a time when most normal men would be attentive and concerned is not nice and it is not normal.

He is more concerned to play power games than to show love.

How he treats you is abusive. Any woman who was denied kindness and support from her partner at a time like this would be in a state.

My ex was very clever at the covert emotional abuse, but unfortunately he lost control at times so his abuse was often obvious too. So thank God my family and children realise who he is ( less my youngest ). But when he was getting set to leave, he began all these covert games to make me look bad. He would do something very covert and cruel, and then enjoy watching me in a mess.

I think he told my kids he thought I was bi-polar. Bipolar, my foot. I was just traumatised by him. I have very stable moods now he is out of the picture- what he called ‘instability’ was me being in tears over his mental cruelty.

[Ayanna]

Massive hugs!
You know now for sure how horrible this man is.
I hope this puts you off him forever.
I am just crying while I write this because this makes me so angry. What an a… Shame we are not allowed to curse here. I would have such nice names for him.
If you need to go to hospital tell the nurses and doctors what you go through. They can organize a psychologist for you to talk about everything and they may even help you further. Keep posting here so that you do not feel so alone. x*x

[Escaped not free]

I know what you mean about the freedom book. I think without sounding offensive in any way that the examples of abusive language and control are those of less educated and perhaps from a different socio economic background to other abusers. More educated, sofisticated abusers if u like are more adept at manipulative torture and cruelty. The examples of outright verbal attacks the freedom book gives I did not experience and I felt all the issues I had were mine because they didn’t fit emetic this outright insulting language. Although he did comment on my tiny little brain but that’s why he was trying to @help@ me because it’s the only way I would manage. What the freedom book did make me analyse was a cycle of behaviour I could recognise that lead to me feeling devalued and useless and got to a point where I cannot even do a food shopping for fear it would be wrong. Everything he criticised and it was constant and unrelenting was in a concerned or joking manner. It makes it much more confusing. He has put me through absolute hell since I left because I tried to take away his subtle control of me. This lead to an escalation of his behaviour. He has been charged and released on bail and im now homeless with three children yet I still miss him. All his concerns are to do with him and how he feels and what he needs from me. Never ever the other way around. This is control, and abuse. With help I now realise that but am about to start counselling to try and stop me feeling responsible. Trust your feelings. If he makes you feel bad, if he doesn’t support you if he treats you in ways you would never treat him if he treats you ways you would not accept a daughter of yours being treated then he is no good. This is what I have to remind myself over and over. If this was being done to my daughter how would I feel. These men are experts at making u feel guilty. Ask for counselling, u need help with the complex emotions. I know I do and I’m praying it works. Sending u love and support.

[Starmoon]

Thank you I will take a look now x

[Author]

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