Horrendous anxiety about leaving, I just don’t know what to do 😭

[gettingtired]

It’s just suddenly hit me this evening the trauma of having to actually leave the relationship.
Reality seems to have come crashing down, I feel sick, sweaty, can’t eat or think straight and just want to cry. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere but with him, as dramatic as that sounds.
I’m away from him for the night so am not around him but now all I want to do is call him to tell him I love him and hear him say it back.
ALL I can think about is the nice, sweet him laughing at our jokes we have together and giving me a cuddle. Bearing in mind I haven’t actually left yet but an opportunity to go is coming up again. For months now I’ve been siphoning things back to my parents house behind his back, having therapy, taking medication, even getting excited at times about things I can do when I’m no longer with him etc. I’ve even recently been pretending to go to work some days when really I’ve gone to see family instead. Mostly on days where I think he might want me to do things for an upcoming move (I’m supposed to be moving with him). Now I feel horrific guilt for doing that and lying to him. 😭

It’s just really badly hit me tonight and I don’t know why. I feel horrendous and I cannot even bare the thought of ever being without him. I feel terrible guilt for everything over the past year because it’s since I’ve learnt about abuse that things have gotten worse, probably because he’s noticed a change in me which has triggered him.

On top of this I have horrendous guilt about leaving him behind his back. He has drug/alcohol issues as well as having a n**********c parent. He also struggles badly with social anxiety and after a few years of not working, is going to have to throw himself into a job soon. How do I leave him right before that? I know I’m not responsible for him but it feels like the guilt would destroy me.

I just feel so, so upset about it all this evening and feel terrible. I haven’t even wanted to really kiss or cuddle him for a long time yet tonight it’s all come crashing down and I’m literally pining for him (as I said I’m still with him but just away at the moment) to the point I just want to drive back to our house to see him and hear his voice/have him make me feel better. It’s such a strong, terrible emotion.
Has anyone else ever felt like this and what are you supposed to do? It’s really crushing me and I’ve just no idea where to turn. 😢😭

[KIP.]

It’s trauma bonding. Leaving an abuser is like breaking a horrible drug addiction. He’s harmed you dreadfully then rescued you so all you can feel is the reassurance he gives and the abuse gets buried. The path away is painful but staying is destroying you.

[gettingtired]

Thank you x I feel really naive for being excited at times about a life without him as it just all hit me like a ton of bricks the other night when I posted this. That wobbly I had has really concerned me about leaving because now I feel terrified of having those feelings. It doesn’t help that he hasn’t been badly abusive for a while now. I keep thinking it’s only fair if I leave after he’s been horrible else it’s not justified. It just feels so wrong to leave him behind his back or even leave him at all! I just can’t seem to get my head around it x

[KIP.]

The indecision is also really bad for anxiety. Try to ground yourself in the moment. Nobody will make you do anything you don’t want to x

[Eggshells]

Hi Gettingtired

I think you’ll get a lot of different opinions on this. Some will encourage you to leave, others will say wait until you’re ready.

At the end of the day, only you will know when the time is right.

I would encourage you to monitor his behaviour to ensure that you are not in physical danger and to monitor your mental health. Keeping a close eye on things will help you to work out when the time is right for you. Don’t work to an artificial deadline such as moving house. You can still leave even after you’ve moved house. xx

[nbumblebee]

Talking to you I really do believe you have the atrength but you just dont have the self belief.
You know deep down you would be better off without him but its so scarey of course you are doubting it.
You have prepared for this and you have been so so strong and I believe you can do it but do you know what, if you cant then thats ok too.
Keep your stuff where it is ready for another opportunity because there will be one this is not it. Thinking it is will put way too much pressure on you and you deffo do not need that.
You are an incredable lady and you have got the strength to do this you have just got to trust yourself and believe in yourself.
He needs you way WAY more than you need him.
Just be kinder on yourself xxxxxxx

[gettingtired]

Thank you for being so kind x*x

[Eyesopening]

I totally understand how you are feeling. It took me a year of trying to finally do it. I think you can’t push yourself too much. In the end it will happen without trying too much because you have spent so much time trying and preparing. I think by the end I was sick of the same old story and had enough tears, enough worry about it, that was my preparation phase to get me to actually do it after the year of trying.
But if its too much, its too much. You really need to follow your instincts. I felt in the end I was just letting my body do the actions, i was on autopilot in the end when i left. My body did the work. I had mourned enough by then.
Be kind to yourself x*x

[gettingtired]

Thank you, I worry I could wait a lifetime before I’m ready to leave him though as no matter what he does to me, I always end up feeling sorry for him! It makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. All the while life is just passing me by which is another anxiety/reason to feel sh*t. I’m glad to hear you made it out x

[Eyesopening]

I really understand you. I felt exactly the same way. I think what helped me was organizing it really well, step by step. It also coincided with a holiday off work and when my sister was off work also. So I had her to distract me and try to do nice things with her. It is extremely tough and you have to sort of build yourself up to it and be strong enough to get through the hard first months.
Try setting a date, (ofcourse they will be missed but after a while, one date may stick) Maybe it’s New years day, start a new year fresh. Have some meaning to the date may help.
Do you have lots of support in place? You need to start leaning on other people other then your partner. Because that’s when you realize you will be ok without him. So like now if i am feeling bad, my initial reaction was to talk to my ex. But now its to my sister, my brother, my outreach worker. This really helps break that trauma bond I think.
But above all, do not punish yourself for staying. You have been with him for a long time and from a very young age so it will be tough. Only speak kindly to yourself, be self soothing, you deserve to be treated kindly so treat yourself kindly. x*x

[gettingtired]

Thank you x
I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it because I’m far too ashamed to admit what’s really been going on to my family. My friend knows some of the situation but again I’m too ashamed to say how bad it’s really been.
My local DA service were awful so I gave up on that a long time ago. I have started therapy which has really helped me realise I’ve just been people pleasing and stuck in the ‘freeze’ or ‘fawn’ more my entire life, I’m just struggling to put anything into action right now.
There’s been another incident today but even now when he’s threatening that it’s over (which he’s pretty much always threatened me with) and blah blah blah it’s like I’m panicking and thinking no! Don’t leave me! xx

[Eyesopening]

Wow it’s crazy how similar are experiences are, seriously I was exactly the same, during the relationship if i brought anything up, he would say then we need to break up, I onyl felt ok once I knew we were ‘good’ again. Even after I left him, he was telling me ‘its over’ and I was begging him to give it another go!
I had to stop contact to keep my reserve.
I couldn’t do it if i was faced by him or in contact. I was completely and utterly under his spell, weak to him. That’s another reason to leave without telling them, another reason to go no contact.
I still haven’t told many people, luckily my brother was great and some people here gave me ongoing support. That’s a shame your DA service wasn’t great.. did your try your GP?
Just one person to turn to when you need that support is enough x*x

[iliketea]

Hey, you need to do what you need to do, the right time will come, and you’ll know when it is. This probably is trauma-bonding, but I think you probably know that. You know a lot now. But don’t ever feel pushed into something. You need to keep yourself safe, yes. But you also need to leave when you are ready. Because if you leave when you’re not, you are likely to go back, and from being here for so long and from everything I have read, and heard, the abuse will at some point after that get a whole lot worse. Not to scare you. Because I know you know all this. You’ve had a life with him, it is normal to feel how you do. Just take your time. Take deep breaths. Write it all out, read it through. Ask yourself really, what is it you fear, is it not being with him, or is it something else? Is it being alone? Is is change? Is it not being in a couple? These are all legitimate fears, they really really are, so have a think. It might be him you’re thinking you’re scared of leaving, but is it something else? Just give yourself a bit of time to think about it. It will be hard, it will be tough, but you will also be so much happier, in the long run, but only you know, really know. So, don’t feel pushed. You’ve done a lot, you can take a few days to think it through again. Have you got an IDVA? or therapist you can talk through what it would be like if you stayed? How would life look like in say 6 months time? But most of all, look after yourself hun, take some deep breaths, get out tomorrow and see the world, go somewhere different and think about it, on your own. What is it really that you are thinking, grieving, mourning, scared of losing? Stay safe, most of all, stay safe. Mind and body. Big hug, you won’t solve it tonight, sleep on it, tomorrow is another day. And you’ve come so far, be proud of all that you have done up to now. Remember, you’re in charge, only you. x*x

[gettingtired]

Thank you so much for your lovely message x
It’s only the ‘nice’ him I’ll miss but that’s not my everyday reality is it? You’re right about trauma bonding, I just wish I knew how to break it and not feel that deep sense of panic and despair. That feels worse to me than anything he puts me through. I’m really scared of those emotions!
It’s partly because I feel guilty leaving him too because of his drink/drug issues and depression/anxiety, I just can’t seem to apply that same compassion towards myself at all.
My local DA service were awful so I gave up on that a while ago now. I have started therapy and it’s helped me realise I’ve been people pleasing my whole life but I’m struggling to put anything into action.
I’ve been far too ashamed to tell my family the whole truth of what’s really been going on so I suppose it’s hard for them to support me fully. So I do feel like it’s my own fault because I haven’t told them xx

[Stargazing1]

I think having anxiety about leaving is justified in circumstances like these . I really really want to leave and cannot seem to get back the strength I had the last time I tried to leave . I rang Samaritans today to talk things over because I felt so low . I didn’t tell them everything about my home life just a little bit and they seemed to think that something isn’t quite right with my situation basically saying his behaviour is wrong . My only explanation for me still being here is because I’m ill at the moment and I am trying to soldier on the best I can with the illness its no excuse I know . If the lady who wrote the post successfully managers to leave I wish the lady all the luck in the world . I just wish I had more strength. Best wishes to everyone ❤

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