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Hi Ladies,
I’ve not been on here overly much in past weeks, as my job has been very busy. I’ve been answering the odd post where I can.
It’s the kids’ school holidays now. I worked extra hours last month so that I could take some time off to be with my youngest son when he is here, as he’s only here half the holiday, plus of course to see my eldest.
My son had some friends over (detail removed by Moderator) and they were really noisy in the early hours. I had to tell them to keep it quiet- not angrily, just firmly.
(detail removed by Moderator) my eldest suddenly launched into a tirade. His dad has been drawing him in a bit more recently and I worried that he’d been filling his head with stuff, and now I know he has.
My eldest said that he has been feeling angry at me because my ex has been saying negative things about me, and because I don’t say anything about my ex to my kids ( I try not to), my eldest said he doesn’t hear my side of the story and so he doesn’t know what the truth is.
I told him that I was trying to give them a positive a life as possible and didn’t want to burden them with inappropriate stuff, but he claimed he didn’t want to be kept in the dark and wanted the answers to a few things.
He said that my ex has been saying that I had to be (detail removed by Moderator) that I took X amount out of a joint bank account; that I knew he’d been earning cash all these years and said nothing, yet when he left went about trying to prove him as a criminal, etc.
My son is nearing the legally adult age and I realised maybe it’s time he knew a few facts- especially if I am being lied about. I said that I had taken no money out of any account, that in fact I was penniless when his dad left; (detail removed by Moderator) I said that of course I knew his dad sometimes earned cash- that it wasn’t illegal to earn cash, but you’re meant to declare it, and I didn’t know what he was declaring as I wasn’t involved in his business.
My son told me I must be lying, as I could not be that naive. I said to him that I wasn’t lying: I really had trusted that his dad, despite his behaviour sometimes, would never intend to sell me down the river.
All in all, my eldest was prodding me for responses to certain questions. My ex has been telling him all sorts- twisted truth, of course.
How could my son look at me and say he could ‘tell I am lying’? Do I deserve that?
Also, my son said to me that even though things were bad when my ex was at home, that thing sat home since he left had been ‘just as bad’ because I suppose he had to see me at the beginning with pronounced PTSD, and very upset and emotional a few times. I git angry with my son a month or so ago, and I don’t think he liked that! But I don’t believe I was abusive. And the times he saw he anxious, etc: I was struggling and trying my utmost to appear normal to my kids.
Proof that I’ve tried for it not to affect them is the fact that he said that I never explain anything about his dad. That is because I’ve tried to not involve them.
Yet I am d****d if I do and d****d if I don’t. When I don’t say anything, I am accused of being secretive and of there being an ‘elephant in the room.’ Yet if I say anything, I am ‘drawing my son in.’
He was demanding answers today and I gave them to him in as succinct a way as possible. I needed to defend myself from the barrage of lies my ex is filling his head with.
What hurts is that my son said to me that he is messed up now and that he places the blame for it with me and my dad ’50/50.’
He said he’s damaged and it’s too late, there’s no turning back.
But part of my thinks that this is my son using things as an excuse to cop out. He has not been able to hold down any little jobs he’s had for very long, he gets bored and restless easily and I had a talk with him this morning about how he needs to hurry up and register for an apprenticeship by law. He didn’t like me nudging him. So this could allmin fact be my son behaving like his father, venting on me.
Yes, there have been a few occasions where unfortunately the kids have seen me badly triggered. I have tried so hard. Yet now I feel I have failed.
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hey hun
sending u massive hug, you truly are a good mum and sometimes it hurts like crazy when they say these spiteful things to us as they really cant see we generally did trust the ex and yes we were that naive . Its a real blow when they say to us that we were responsible for them seeing the abuse, both my sons have in the past have said this to me at different times, and you know what i put my hand up yes cause of me you did have to see the abuse and i can only apologize as a child you should of never had to see what you had, but when i was strong and ready i took the steps needed , ensuring i protected u as much as possible in the process. Yes you have been effected, but it is your choice now to seek and accept the help that is available to receover, it was your dad choice to abuse me , to spoil your childhood, yes if u want to blame me for me not waling away sooner thats fine, but i am doing everything in my power now to be a good role model, provide for u as best as i can, no
i don’t tell u anything about your dad as we are the adults and i am trying to keep it amongst ourselves, but if u want to hear some home truths and wants answers thats ok too, and give them the truth. They may not accept , but just state that is your side , its his choice if he chooses to beleive you not , in time truth comes out.My eldest blamed me a lot in the begining and said i make everything about me , but when my youngest used to say he hates me and blames me for all the disruption in his life, it was actually the eldest that explained how i hard try and did my best to leave when i could . in their own time they accept it, dont let him make u feel bad or u did wrong, his dad saying negative things is bound to make him want to ask u things, i bet u he is quiet as a mouse infront of his dad.
One thing i noticed, in past my kids would use language i didnt approve off or make demands in money, i used to say simply go and and ask your dad using that tone and see what the response is since u find my response so hard to accept and again hun, there will come times when they behave exactly like the ex, i have had to say on a few ocassion to my sons sorry to say but u r behaving like your dad with explanation.
Hope my words help you, try and have a easy night
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Hi Serenity, it’s devastating to hear your son say that after all you’ve been through to make life better for them. You could not have done any better than you have, you have most certainly not failed. It must be so hard for our children to know which parent to believe when they say different things. Your silence on the matter up to now speaks volumes, you have nothing to justify or deflect attention from. I’m sure your son does know really but is clinging onto hope that his dad isn’t as bad as he is. Also I think all teenagers give the whole ‘you ruined my life’ speech to their parents at some point but for us it’s extra hard to hear because we carry so much guilt about their witnessing the abuse and its after effects. Try not to give him too much power from realising how hurt this has made you feel. Sending big hugs to you 🤗 xx
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In the end the best thing to do is to curse about the father and paint him in the worst light.
I have never seen any disadvantage from that. The kids turn away from the father and do not like him anymore. He gets out of their lives and the mothers have a more peaceful life as the kids reject to see their father and do not fall for his lies.
I know, it’s mean. But these men are terrible. Why should they be considered in any way? -
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