26th June 2016 at 9:00 am #20122
I woke up today to a horrible thought. ( Sometimes, your mind rifles through problems as you sleep, doesn’t it?)
My ex was very, very mean with money. He also didn’t like other people doing nice things for me. (I think this is because he was working so hard to get me to expect nothing, he hated other people raising the bar, as this would higher my expectations of life and expose the emptiness of my life with him!)
He didn’t like to fork out for family holidays- I had to, and when he was there, he ruined it with his behaviours.
I was a bit surprised when ( a few weeks before he left), he booked a camper van for a few nights. Very unusual. Wgen I excitedly told my boys, he snarled and hissed that he didn’t want my eldest to come. Of course, I couldn’t believe this and refused to leave my eldest abandoned home alone. So we all went.
I have said before how it was horrendous: he was trying to pick fights with me and get me to respond, I think to stage a situation where I would look bad in front of the kids,but I knew what he was doing, abd even asked him why he was doing it on purpose! He looked shocked that I could tell. He was trying to carefully stage an outcome ( he is very calculating).
A friend bumped into us all, and later told me that she sensed something was up with him.
Anyway, I have a horrible feeling- knowing what I do now, and that money is his life and that he will sell anyone down the river- that this trip was more just to make me look bad in front of the kids, as part of some plan to look blameless if he left or to get the kids off me eventually, for money reasons I am sure:
My youngest was quite young at the time and is very unaware at times, as he is lost in his own dreamworld very much of the time. It is my eldest who is canny, aware, streetwise.
I have a horrible feeling that my ex wanted to push me off a cliff or something, when no one was looking. He wanted to kill me, so that he would end up with all the money and house etc. It would have been quite easy, at the place we went, to push me off a high cliff without anyone seeing, as it is quite remote in places.
It would have looked like an accident. He was always joking to the kids that I was clumsy. It wouldn’t have looked like he was the killer: after all, hadn’t he hired a lovely camper van?
He was very, very agitated on this trip, like he was like a rumbling volcano.
Since he left and I stood up to him about his attempts to take everything, he has proved that money is indeed all he cares about.
I really, really believe he intended to kill me.
26th June 2016 at 9:18 am #20126HealthyarchiveBlocked
Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear that Serenity. From all that you have said about him in the past, having psychopathic tendencies, this may have been true. I know that this sort of thing you read about in the papers and its not something that actually happens in real life but it does happen. At least you broke away and are free. I have read and seen before this happening in relationships. My friend at work was married for 24 years, for 19 of those years he was having an affair. She told me that she asked herself once if her husband had tampered with brakes on her car, she thought that he may have done. Their relationship was so distorted and untrue, anything could have been possible. I am so happy that you are now rid of him Serenity. Sometimes I think its good to have these thoughts or dreams. As if it is therapeutic, the mind is bringing them into your reality, you can then start processing and dealing with that new event. XXXXX
27th June 2016 at 2:43 am #20195
Thank you, HA.
Yes, the mind is clever, protecting you from certain truths until you can handle it.
If I had come to such a realisation a few months ago, it would have knocked me for six. Now, I can deal with the truth calmly. X
27th June 2016 at 3:05 am #20198AyannaParticipant
Usually such realisations are true.
When we are away from the abuser for a while memory returns, events that we put at the back of our brains emerge again and we are able to process them properly.
27th June 2016 at 5:41 am #20202HealthyarchiveBlocked
I hope that this new realization has not unsettled you too much, it is bound to. You seem to be managing it ok. X*X
27th June 2016 at 8:47 am #20207
Thanks HA, I am ok. I am just grateful that I am free. I hope to steer my kids towards freedom, too. x
27th June 2016 at 10:21 am #20209teatimeParticipant
You never do know do you? It goes through their heads, certainly and that is mental in itself.
My ex was like a volcano one morning and when he did what he did in the car, he could have killed us both. I left straight away as it was an obvious straw in the wind. He seemed possessed by the devil should I believe in such things…x*x
27th June 2016 at 12:17 pm #20211SuntreeParticipant
Mine did something similar, he became the doting “father” and helpful partner.
All the things I begged for when we were together was suddenly happening.
It was all a front and I think if he knew what he knows now and that he would have been better off me having that accident or suicide as you know I was in his and some untrained professionals eyes mentally unstable. Then I am sure he would have done it.
As it was he thought by playing look at me aren’t I wonderful that it would get him the house and the money and what he wanted.
Teatime, good for you that takes courage and insight. I wish I could have done what you did.
The only thing which came from that house was a big fat bill I had to pay because he wouldn’t.
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