Hot and cold

[Reallyconfused]

I am so sad at the moment. I have been living with my abuser for decades and despite considering myself to be intelligent now understand that I am bonded to trauma.
My abuser has almost broken me. However I am now finding some inner strength that I deserve better. My self worth is important.
I am now starting to see friends. He hates it and fights and shouts saying that I love going alone and that I am seeing other men. I now ignore him and still go. I get the silent treatment on my return and he never ever asks me how my evening may have been.
However then he suddenly brings it up and shouts incessantly that I go out alone.
Even when I see my parents now (I was stopped for years) it’s the silent treatment.
Then in front of my adult son he becomes very nice and amicable.
I have been in hospital due to his abuse, told what to wear , who I could see, the work I should do.
All child care and housework was my responsibility with a job as well. Shouting and aggression is all I have known. This has been my life for decades.
I can now really see who he is.
It’s as if a fog is lifting after all these years.
I am so angry that he has robbed me of so many years and that I was so naive and innocent.
I am trying to break free now but I know it will not be easy.
This forum has been amazing and has given me strength.
I now see the manipulation – cruelty and a crumb of civility – and on and on it goes. It was that crumb that I held on to , thinking he’s actually
trying hard.
I now realise everything is for his gain , he actually does not care one bit for me.
I have spent so long weeping, my self esteem has been eroded so much and my family say I have “Stockholm syndrome”.
But there is still some resilience and I have read books and listened to you wonderful people and keep moving forward in my journey of self discovery.

[Sad and alone]

So sorry you’ve had to endure this for so long. It must be extremely difficult, going out and knowing the response it’s going to generate shows you are gaining strength. You’re not giving in to make life easier. And he’ll hate it.
I too have been with my husband for many many years, and when I look back I can now recognise this behaviour, now I’m starting to accept this is what my relationship is. I feel like I’ve wasted the best part of my life being with this person. But I think the only way forward is to focus on the future, and the happiness you can have.
I have not really looked up trauma bonding before but was alarmed when I did at how very relevant it is to me. The only thing I would say is that I don’t think I’m addicted to any positive reinforcement after abuse. Tbh after an instance of abuse these days I get nothing. Unless it was physical and he’ll say sorry but it doesn’t mean anything. But everything else is very true. I think one of the massive issues is believing this person you’ve been with for so long has intentionally acted the way they have. I always wonder if he thinks things out and makes plans about how he’s going to treat me, or whether it’s like a mental illness where they just can’t see their behaviour as wrong??
Anyway, you’re not alone. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, what’s important is that you’re starting to be able to make some changes. He won’t like it, but that doesn’t matter anymore. You are the one that’s important.
Keep posting xx

[Reallyconfused]

Thank you so much. You are so right in everything you say. We wonder if it is a mental illness or a game to them. Whatever it is there is no excuse. I think I wanted this relationship to work so badly (women often do ) and it was at any cost.
Returning from hospital after being abused, he would accuse me of making up my symptoms and causing him distress.
Other times he would say the right things such as he would try to control his aggression etc. but the moment we would walk through the front door it would start all over again with the snide remarks and shouting at me for no real reason. He would get his way and feel victorious, knowing that I would revert back to my passive self, quietly weeping.
He would say sorry when I would ask him to. But I now realise that he actually wasn’t sorry. It was like giving a dummy to a baby – to keep me quiet whilst he continued to abuse.
You are not alone either. And we must try to forge our own happiness as you say. Please also look after yourself.

[ocean20]

I’m so sorry to read this. I can resonate with you entirely.
I have been with my OH for not even a year and I definitely have a trauma bond. It’s toxic and draining.
I feel like I’m at a fork in the road. I can see what’s happening and what I’m not happy with but I feel helpless and annoyed that I’ve let it go on for this short space of time.
I can’t imagine how decades feels. Like you’re losing yourself.
He is a smart man but the level of manipulation to condition you to just accept that level of abuse, I just can’t comprehend it. I then hate myself for being so easily manipulated and tricked. I think maybe these people are just bad to the core. Do they even know what they’re doing so well?
I think us abuse victims are always looking for the best in people, willing it to work and will often give people the benefit of the doubt. It’s our own undoing.
I was on the live chat here the other week, after my partner got physically violent and threatened my life and his kids, I was so so petrified I called the police on the quiet. I explained it’s when he drinks spirits he’s vile. The lady on here explained although alcohol lowers inhibitions it’s still the same person committing those things. It’s not the drink.
Lo and behold we went on this camping trip the very next weekend (after he’d said sorry). I still went so as not to raise suspicion whilst I’m making a plan to escape him.
He hadn’t had any drink.
Low and behold he decided he wasn’t happy with how quiet I’d been that day (I had explained I was feeling a bit low still about the violence from him before and the whole night) – he was then screaming at me to make me answer yes or no to everything he was saying and he was speeding at 90mph down country roads I thought we were going to roll the car and I said please slow down and stop shouting you’re scaring me – “OH YOU CAN F***ING SPEAK THEN”. So I’m still upset about threatening my life, he apologises and stops drinking spirits, then that same week scaring me again. Theyre just bad people. I’m convinced they don’t see us as human beings, just things.
But yes there is always an argument if I ever go out for the day or even to work and 21 questions about who I’ve seen or spoken to. It makes me not go out or not go to work because I just don’t want the headache. I suppose that’s what they want.
Sorry I have gone off on a tangent here.
But I feel your pain xxxx

[Reallyconfused]

I’m so sorry you are suffering so much pain. I’m afraid it won’t get better.We wait and wait and watch their faces for a glimpse of respect and it doesn’t come. The questions are there to stop us from going anywhere. They know how to play us. We are normal – they are not. The drink just masks who they are. My husband no longer drinks in front of me but he is still the same bad person. Drink just loosens the mask.
You are lucky – you have only been with him about a year. It will get worse as their hold increases. They know what they are doing. This is the way they are wired and they have no empathy.
It has taken me enormous courage to go to a simple birthday party.i have been slapped on motorways just because I’ve had a conversation with a male friend who I’ve known since childhood (who was like a young brother to me ). He has driven on the wrong side if the road being drunk , with the children and me in the car.
I can’t understand why I let it happen. Looking back him and his family all ganged up against me and I felt I was a nobody and someone with no power.
Please don’t give up in finding freedom. Love doesn’t hurt. Your feelings matter and with a loving partner, they should matter to them too. I have learnt this at a very late stage in life. But at least I have learnt.
Take care and stay safe. X*x

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