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So, I have said it. I have told him that I think the only option is for us to live separate lives. That, in spite of his best intentions and the changes he has made, I do not feel that I can live with him anymore. That he has done a lot of the things he said he would do, except for the one thing he needed to do most: get professional help. That I can no longer accept that he is verbally and emotionally abusive to the children, even though the physical mistreatment has stopped after I set my boundaries for the first time, and the frequency has become less.
I was trying to go easy on him. Tell him in a gentle way. Trying to make him see it was best for all of us. All this to prevent things from escalating, to protect myself and the children from his reaction once he would realise that it is over.
His reaction? First there was anger, pointing the finger at me, making me responsible, reiterating what a disappointment I had been to him, how untrustworthy I was. Then, because I managed not to engage and become emotional, he started showing remorse. The next day he had seen the light, understood where things had gone wrong, how he had not seen that I had been right all along. All of a sudden, he had found a counsellor, after more than a decade of me pleading for him to get help. He said this was evidence he was willing to change because separating would be the worst for the children, he could never let that happen.
The thing is, I still want that to happen. He has done so much to change now, but it still does not feel like enough. I have come to feel so nervous around him, on edge all the time, not sure whether he means what he says, what mood he will be in. All his ‘changes’ now feel manic, rushed, and apart from that they are propelled by me saying I want to leave, and therefore not even his initiative.
The comment about the children hurt. I have spent most of their lives trying to avoid making the mistakes my parents made (who divorced when I was a child and damaged me for good with their toxic, abusive behaviour, before and afterwards). With a lot of professional help I have come to realise that the worst thing for my children is not divorce. Other than growing up with a mum who accepts their dad’s abusive behaviour towards them, the worst thing for them is to have their dad and me as their closest example of a healthy relationship. It is not healthy, it never has been, it probably never will be, even if I did not see this until recently.
Still, my partner has in the meantime started making all the changes he said he would make. And it is true, a divorce would destroy the children. I am in two minds and feel I have no leg to stand on if I suggest I still want a divorce. What do I do? I am terrified that the children will hold this decision against me forever, as their dad will not hold back in showing them how devastated he is because of me and my decision, and he has (unknowingly?) made sure they prioritise his feelings above all else because of his emotional immaturity. I think I am still going ahead and tell him I am leaving him. Still, I am so terrified of what will happen…
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Hi TheOnlyWayIsOut
This sounds very familiar to me.
They say it’s all about the children. It’s not – it’s all about him. He wants you to hurt, he wants you to feel guilty. Does he really care about anyone except for himself?
I realised that the best thing for my children was to have a stable and safe home. He was angry – blamed me – but now he’s out – and the children are in a happy and stable environment.
Your partner still has the chance to change himself – you’re not stopping that. But you know what is best for your kids and for you.
You said that he is verbally and emotionally abusive towards your children. And physically abusive towards you. You certainly do have every reason for a divorce. Your children may not understand initially – but in time they will.
Good luck and take care
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I am so sorry you are faced with this situation and it is an incredibly tough one for you to push forward with BUT you need to remember you are making the right decision – his manipulation of the children with his emotional immaturity will make things harder BUT children grow into adults and learn to see things clearly and in time they will understand just what he has done. It is hard because right now you feel like you will be making their life harder, but you are doing something to support a better life in general. You can make sure the children get support to deal with the divorce and definitely get the support of local domestic abuse services to help you move things forward and make sure they are ok in this.
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