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Just something that I thought about recently. Through court, solicitors, texts, emails, any correspondence when I’ve alleged things, he always comes back with an excuse or just another allegation back. Not once has he ever given a reasonable explanation or apology. I now know he is turning the spotlight away from him and straight back onto me. it’s to get me in a panic trying to prove his allegations wrong. Although it’s hard not to panic when he alleges things back, try not to panic, easier said than done. This is just a tactic to move the spotlight. I’m still waiting on answers I’ve asked for through solicitors. If he can’t move the spotlight back into you he will just ignore the question or more probably outright lie. For the ladies beginning your journey, expect this to happen. Don’t panic, take a step back and say thanks for giving me the evidence I need to prove your abuse and dysfunction. As my solicitor said, the more outrageous his replies, the easier her job is. Play the long game. Keep all evidence no matter how small. It all builds a bigger dysfunctional picture X the police also told me not to worry if what I said felt incredible, as long as I can explain myself when asked. Some of the things he did were so outrageous for normal behaviour but I can now articulate his behaviour. I can do this because I read the recommended books, I posted and here and I read the posts on here. I researched domestic abuse online. I spoke to women’s aid. Knowlegde Is Power X
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Hi kip
Since i left my abusive relationship .ive been educating myself about narcs . Suppose i thank my ex in a way because hes gave me the knowledge that i never want to be in that situation again . I wont forgive him what he put me through! I just cant believe the justice system failed me . When there was evidence there .. but i will not let this go . I will not let another women endure the suffering that i went through .. even if i have to beg a court to take my case on i will take it into my own hands . Ive always been against domestic viloence. Child abuse . Rapists .. ive been there .. iam a warrier i will fight all the way
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Thanks KIP I really needed to see this. He’s basically ignoring certain things we are asking and making us wait for a response for months it’s a joke! Then he says he’s being patient with me it’s like he thinks he’s divorcing me is he actually stupid mate its the other way round! Having any correspondence with him even through a Solicitor is damaging to my mental health. He’s trying to control this but I keep ignoring his c**p and stick to the facts only. Why can’t he just move onto his next supply and let me go! It’s like he’s dangling me by a thread. They are such idiots they always have something to try to prove to themselves and the world they really have such sad pathetic lives and will never really be winners because anything hey have is no worthwhile it’s rubbish like them!!!!
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Iamfree, did you manage to ask for a review of the decision not to prosecute?
Have you explored the civil courts? Personal message me if you want more info.
Positive, this is a long process, just when you’re exasperated with his behaviour he will do something that makes you doubt your belief that his behaviour is not normal. when you’re caught in the middle it’s easy to be anxious and panic. Let your solicitor deal with him, that’s what your paying them for. I also had this feeling that I had to make everybody else see his dysfunction. You don’t need others to believe you. All that is important is that you know. Everyone else will see him for what he is in their own time X -
Yes this post is very helpful thank you KIP.it reminded me a lot of the circular conversations he & i used to have . I would have a worry or concern, normally around money he owed me which he had not repaid, other women or his unreliability. Things that made me upset. At my initiation we would sit down to talk. Each & every time I would come away from that conversation none the wiser than when it had started. He wold never ever acknowledge my concern, think about it respectfully & consider my unhappiness. What he would do is turn it around blaming me on a character flaw (by then I believed that I was deeply flawed),say “that’s your perception ” which again would make me feel my perception was skewed. Through the whole relationship he did 4 or 5 things that were deeply hurtful to me. Not once every did he apologise,acknowledge the pain he had caused, admit responsibility or make any attempt whatsoever to rectify the problem. I chased,begged & pleaded sometimes even said sorry, as I just wanted him to stop his silent treatment. I would have expressed negative emotion, likely anger at the horrible thing that he had done to me. Anger to him was unacceptable, he would walk off & not Speak to me for days as I had got angry at him. It’s all so twisted & abnormal, this is not how normal relationships are.
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This is what they do, they completely deny they’ve done anything wrong, and accuse you of rubbish to deflect attention away from them.
Even in court, he denied things of which I had proof and accused me of the most outlandish things.
At home, if I tried to explain to him how I was worried about something or upset, he would sit there, tight-lipped and not idle an inch, so Id feel like I was the mad one waffling on. Then he’d get up and say ‘I’m not continuing this conversation- we’re going round in circles’ but he hadn’t contributed anything- any acknowledgement of how he’d hurt me, or no interest in what I was saying ( if it was about general things).
HA: like yours, my ex never, ever apologised. To him, that would be admitting he wasn’t perfect and he needed to always be top dog and have me begging him for forgiveness, which I stopped doing. I couldn’t bear the power imbalance anymore.
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I’ve noticed its all part of looking powerful; never apologise, never explain. Take control, look strong, (dismiss the facts); it will convince a lot of people even when it’s a facade, people are taken in over the short term and drawn to the ‘charisma’ of such self confidence. A ‘sorry’ will be useful when it is expedient (but in my experience this is a much less employed tactic). It takes time, care and attention to learn the truth, people seem to like the quicker fix of a persuasive performance. It seems that strength, power and looking in control are big persuaders.
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This thread has really helped me. It has made me realize that the things I tried to talk to him about were legitimate anti-social behaviour that he had done, not being a decent human being whilst in the context of a loving committed relationship. My feelings were hurt and I felt upset. I tried to talk to him about it to sort it all out (a good thing I did). Each of these things were things that he did.
1. Owed me money which I would have to ask him for 2 or 3 times, I felt taken advantage of when I had lent it to him to help him. 2. Arrive 1 to 2 hours late for special occasions with no legitimate reason, nor an apology. The arrangement was made, I had made the effort to be ready and on time. 3. Lied to me or withheld information. 4. Used me for my home, holidays, experiences or advice how to better himself without giving equal back. 5. Having women on the scene who seemed more than casual acquaintances (receiving long, almost begging emails from women). 6. I felt the whole relationship was one sided with me doing all of the giving and him taking everything. All of these things are legitimately wrong ways to act when you say that you love and care about somebody. He did not like a decent human being and try to change his ways to make things better. -
Yes, KIP, knowledge is power. When I fled I had no clue what I was dealing with. I only knew that I had nearly lost my life and I was in utter shock.
As the court trials dragged on I began to Google domestic abuse and subscribe to blogs. I began to read online whatever I could get and I also attended the Freedom Programme.
At the last criminal court hearing I was smashing. I killed the arguments of the defence with my arguments, precisely and spot on. I could feel the blank surprise in the court room.
I was suicidal at the time, but I still stood my ground, all by myself with no legal support.
I fired my divorce lawyer and represented myself, got the divorce before the financial hearing was even started to the ex abuser’s outrage. I just wanted to get things over and done.
My brain was in a fog, I contemplated suicide every day, but I fought.
I had to give him something, but this was little, compared to what the divorce lawyer would have probably done to me. He lost access to my pension and my wages and I could keep my possessions.
It was still not fair, but I got it over and done faster than with that lawyer, all by myself, just reading, asking and refusing to accept the b******t of the judges in the family court.
My life depended on this. I was on the brink of dying and all I wanted was for that hell to end to get something that looked like a life.During all this hell he presented himself as a victim and even said that he was a victim of domestic abuse. But there was police evidence against him….He reasoned his actions, said that I misinterpreted his caring behaviour towards me,… Tried to use gaslighting on every opportunity that was given to him with no shame. It did not help him in the end. His first defence lawyer opted out after the first criminal court hearing. She was on his side, defended him like a lioness. I saw how her face turned increasingly pale when I gave my evidence.
The last criminal court hearing was similar. He had a different lawyer there again. He was quiet. When I left the court room I could see his face. He felt so sorry for me. He was sad. I knew that he would not support the abuser anymore after what he had heard. He was just doing his job.
The sentence was still rubbish. But that was up to the judge. -
Ayanna, your posts inspire me. I sacked my first one but found the next one much better. I still wish I had the courage to take this on in myself as I know much more about his thieving dishonest ways than any solicitor ever will. I will have my day in court. In criminal court my abusers solicitor was horrified too. I’m sure my abuser lied to him too as he was caught out several times and just shuffled his papers and looked at his feet. It’s great to have an insight into what he will be like next time we meet in court but I have the feeling it will just be same old same old. This time I will be more prepared X
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These manipulative control monsters dont have a life at all–its all a big long game to them and we are their pawns .
However we can hold our heads up high as we are true to ourselves and live decent lives without the need for this pathetic behaviour.Its all a massive defence mechanism and they are on a treadmill they cant get off.We are on solid ground.These men are like money:they will blow away in the wind and eventually disappear because there was no real substance to them in the first place.
In many animal species their culture is female-run and I bet life is more peaceful.
Jupiter -
Older Lady:
Your summary is so accurate. Unfortunately, their mask is so perfectly adjusted that it’s only those who have the misfortune of getting to know them better who get to see the real them- family members, employees, etc. And even then only sometimes, if they cross swords about something, or if people recognise a lack of character/ normal human qualities in them.
I once read that when you first meet such people, they are enthralling, but by the end they are nauseating.
That’s so true. He was nauseating. HA: I could have written your post about his immorality ( or lack of moral compass) sickening me. I fought against was his anti-social behaviour too. I married a delinquent.
It’s scary how their unabashed confidence can make you back down and doubt yourself.
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Unabashed confidence was a big draw for me in the early days Looking back it was real arrogant behaviour. Many people saw through him and I know he was disliked by many at his work, I once saw him in the company of his boss and he was such a crawler it was embarrassing. Kept calling him ‘sir’ trying to impress but it just came across as creepy. Yes, towards the end it was nauseating. When I didn’t find his arrogance or fake confidence charming anymore because it was always at someone else’s expense. I was no longer enthralled by his behaviour and now cannot believe I ever was. I was just so young, naive and impressionable.
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My ex was highly arrogant, my mum who never really says negative things told me after we split that she thought he was arrogant. I remember looking at him once , his body language, walking gait & attitude towards people around him was pure unadulterated arragonce. I felt embarrassed to be associated with him. He would sit there kegs stretched out astride, hands behind his head & a satisfied smirk on his face. He were an an embarrassment if anything.
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I’m glad I’ve found this post. My husband got a copy of (detail removed by Moderator) this afternoon and has said it’s all in my head and I’m lying. He’s told the kids I’m lying and evil and cruel. His parents have been on the phone to me to say the same. Hes waved (detail removed by Moderator) at the kids and asked if they’re scared of him, and got my youngest to say it’s false. I’m terrified about (detail removed by Moderator).
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Stand your ground! Resist the anxiety and show him that you are the boss!
Keep posting here!
Have you heard of the Haka? It is a Maori tradition to shout out important things and make scary faces in order to scare the enemy.
It is great to do this before a court hearing, in your own privacy of course 🙂 -
Its so weird, I could of written all these responses and threads. It makes me feel really sad that all these horrible people are out there causing so much damage. I am scared if my situation ends up in court so its a really useful thread. I have tons of emails saved and then saved again somewhere else, but they prob just make him seem pretty unpleasant but he doesn’t admit proper abuse, although he agrees to get help in a few of them. I’m scared how nasty it will all get but this makes me feel better to read that we aren’t alone. I sometimes just feel like moving a long way away but then I would be criticised im sure 🙁
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Yes I had suspicions about things like that after I split up from him. I thought he might have put a bug on my PC to read my internet usage, or be logging onto here and reading my posts. I had no proof or evidence. I dont really think like that now, it might come down to me not caring if he does or doesn’t & knowing that I am a million times happier without him or any perpertrator in my life. I know with FB you can reduce completely all about him or anybody he knows or any way he can come into contact with you. I think that you might have allready done that with your FB settings. Mobile phones and email accounts have blocking options too. In the past I have memorized phone numbers which was not a good thing to do, you might want to make sure you can’t get hold of his phone number from any old phone bill etc.
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@indiamalachite The fact that he’s said he will get help is in effect an admission of guilt. It might not expressly say that but every bit helps.
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HA and India Malachite : I changed all my passwords for everything after he left.
KIP: It’s sickening how they suck up to people who they want to side with them. My ex dripped oiliness with the judge- trying to massage the judges ego! My ex even tried to sweet talk my solicitor in the waiting area by cheerily passing the time of day with him! It was excruciatingly transparent and embarrassing!
Ayanna: you made me laugh! I will try the Maori technique one day!
Jupiter: you’ve summed it up very succinctly!
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I am really grateful for this thread at the moment. I’m really in the thick of it with the divorce and he is absolutely textbook and doing everything you describe Kip, the outright lies, the counter allegations. Thank goodness for you reminding me that it’s proof of his abuse and dysfunction. I’m trying hard to sit tight and wait for it to pass without being drawn in emotionally.
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PP,
They will up the abuse during divorce proceedings, as they try to manipulate and overpower you ( and everyone else involved).
They never expected us to stand up for ourselves and fight for our rights: they thought they’d weakened us to such a state that they could get away with things, and they’re horrified that they are being exposed and told to be fair!
My ex made ridiculous claims about me.
Remember, head down, plough on. Remember that divorce present you will give yourself at the end of it! 🎁
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Thanks Serenity, you’re right that he will be livid that I dare to divorce him and stand up for myself. But I have to remind myself that, yes, I am divorcing him not the other way round and I am so glad that I am. I cannot wait to be legally separate from someone so disgusting and shallow that they’d do such terrible things for the sake of a few pounds. I will look forward to my new name, my present and the future me, no longer tainted by any links to him x*x
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