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    • #12819
      SilkyHalide
      Participant

      I’m in limbo. Funeral in a week and no idea if kids are coming or if he’s going to try and come.
      As if loosing someone isn’t painful enough he has to use it to boost his own ego and denigrate me.
      He’s taken so much from me and still he’s not satisfied.
      How can my children be so cruel to not answer my messages other than to call me a liar or a game player.
      How can they not let me know if they are coming when I’ve asked them numerous times to confirm.
      He’s allowing them to be cruel without check. He’s allowing them to believe I don’t care about them because I’m not doing what he wants, and he turns everything I try against me. How can I carry on?

    • #12821
      godschild
      Participant

      So sorry yo are being treated like this, have you lost someone close. They have no respect at times like this.
      The day before my Dads funeral many years ago mine threatened to rip up the order of service and caused havoc for me and was so cruel to me and my son after my mom died.
      My son has ignored me for weeks now, its so so hurtful when they do this. These Men are inhuman even at times of such sorrow for you.
      Mine allows my Children to be cruel and just makes excuses for them.
      Do you even want him there is it someone close to him. Do you have any support at the funeral.
      I feel for you and send you a big hug x

    • #12823
      SilkyHalide
      Participant

      I’ve writen to him telling him not to come.
      They were not close he avoided visiting and disliked her, denigrated her.
      He wants to come so he can show what a good caring person he is. He feels entitled because he has been part of our family but has tried not to be a part of the family, blamed them, isolated me against my family. Implied im a bad wife and mother for spending time away from him to be with /help family. ( on rare occasions I did so) about putting family before my earnings ( damaging his security)
      One family member he did like he wants to impress / stroke his ego over.
      And of course wants to have the children think I am so unfair not allowing him to go. It’s all about him and entitlement.

    • #12824
      SilkyHalide
      Participant

      If he just wrote back saying he respected my wishes and that he would make sure the children were here on time/ confirmed if coming….I would have my mind at rest. But the silence is deafening and destroying me.
      Even if he said the girls are only going if he goes. At least I could know what to expect.
      If he really wanted to pay respects he would visit the other family member and/or send a card. He just wants to stamp his authority all over my heart.

    • #12825
      SilkyHalide
      Participant

      And there seems nothing I can do!
      I have support at the funeral but what if he damages everyone’s experience of such a personal day.

    • #12826
      godschild
      Participant

      This is awful and the silence is totally deliberate. I just don’t know what to say to help, but really feel for you.
      How can our children joined forces with the abuser, they know how much they are hurting you in this and so does he.
      Could whoever is arranging the funeral contact them , saying they need numbers.
      He is really enjoying this, so sick.

    • #12827
      SilkyHalide
      Participant

      The girls think I don’t deserve any consideration or respect
      They will be thinking poor dad and why am I making it awkward for them.
      Yes I’m going to ask another family member to ask them now just trying to decide who’s best to do it.
      Thanks for your kind thoughts xx

    • #12830
      godschild
      Participant

      Just like my daughter Poor dad !!! My Daughter actually told me I don’t deserve any respect. Hope you get the right person to contact him that hopefully will stop his nasty games x

    • #12833
      Serenity
      Participant

      My stepmother told me ages ago that my ex just didn’t think like me. That he was made of different stuff.

      She said that when he was doing very cruel things, and I was asking how and why he could do such things.

      She was right. Whereas you and I are appalled at their lack of respect and emotional cruelty. Because we couldn’t imagine treating anyone. In that way, to them it is second nature. It is how they operate from day to day.

      These unkind abusers notoriously use weddings, christening, funerals, births, birthdays, anniversaries- land mark days which are meant to celebrate and express the value of someone else’s life- to make those people feel worthless and like nothing.

      The closest I have come to understanding how or why they do such things, is to realise that these people carry around with them such horrible feelings, of anger, jealousy, hatred, insecurity, disdain. Underneath it all, they hate themselves, but they don’t have the courage to face and work through these negative feelings, so they clothe it in feelings of arrogance. They make themselves truly believe that they are better than others, and hard done by.

      They can’t bear to possess negative feelings about themselves – so they project them onto others, and make others feel the hurt that they themselves don’t want to feel.

      And they are so twisted, that they like hurting others, and feel powerful in doing so.

      Hold your head up high, Silky. You’ve done nothing wrong. You go and focus on this funeral, an important event. If your children don’t come, then you cannot do much about that. I hope they will at least feel shame for such behaviour.

      Abusers will always make everything about them. And now he’s trying to get the kids to Mae this day all about them too, and whether ir not they will come, when the true focus should be upon the person you have lost and who has died.

      Don’t let them rob you of your chance to go and properly celebrate apt he life if this person, and grieve amongst others who care. This day is not about your ex, though he wants it to be. You’re doing great.

      X*x

    • #12834
      kestral
      Participant

      I’m not sure if this is going to be a help but one of the most difficult things about an abusive partner is how ‘nice’ and ‘normal’ they can be to others. If you think about it it is one of the hardest things to cope with. After all, if they can be ‘normal’ and ‘nice’ to others what does that say about you? In other words that it is all your fault and down to you. But it isn’t and you know that. My ex got a very close family member on his side which left me feeling totally excluded and isolated. The lack of support and understanding very nearly broke me except I KNEW IT WAS WRONG. However hard I would suggest DO NOTHING. Don’t beg, plead, appeal to (his) better judgement because it doesn’t exist. Hold your head up and do what feels right for you. Hope that helps a bit. Stay strong.

    • #12853
      mixed-up mum
      Participant

      Sorry for your loss – and sorry that he is making a very difficult time even MORE difficult – you don’t need this.

      But they just cant help themselves – if they see a tiny c***k in you armour they attack – they know when you are at your lowest ebb they can capitalise on this, and take advantage.

      I well remember the day my Grandma died, all I wanted was to be cuddled and held, and be supported by him – but no he just couldn’t help himself – he chose that moment to pester me for sex, and kept me up all night poking and prodding and molesting me all night long – with no care that Id just sat for days at my Grandmas bedside and watched he slowly fade away – no all HE cared about was getting sex – that shows how little he cared for me and how little he respected me…….
      And yet the funeral day he stood beside me in front of everyone and ‘comforted me’ like a loving caring husband…….

      Your kids are not to blame – they are being controlled and manipulated by him – they cant see it yet – but they will one day – and then they will come back to you again.
      They do love you still – but are most likely not allowed to show you any love, caring or affection – they are most likely too scared to go against their dads wishes – abusers are controlling and manipulative to all around them.

      By him allowing your kids to be nasty to you – that is feeding his need for control – they are doing what HE wants them too – and not what YOU want – and so fuelling his power.

      He has no need to be at he funeral if they were not close and he didn’t like visiting her.

      I didn’t have my ex at my dads funeral – yea he was a part of my family for many years – and he did visit on the odd occasion – but I just felt we are separated now – he is no longer part of my family – I do things alone now – I don’t need him in my life – so he had no need to be beside me – and besides my daughter would not have wanted him there either – so another reason I wanted hm to stay away – and he actually did respect my wishes and DID stay away.

      Your ex wants to be there so he can show everyone what a ‘loving caring dad’ he is – but he also wants to say to the kids that YOU stopped him from going and then that puts YOU in a bad light – makes you look like you are being unreasonable – when in fact – you are perfectly within your rights to say no I don’t want you there.

      Thinking of you,
      and sending you a big cuddle of support.

      x*x

    • #12860
      Serenity
      Participant

      If I were you, I would make no more contact about it, so you can’t be blamed for telling them not to go. Just concentrate on your own things, even to help others with something regarding the funeral- to keep your mind busy and make you feel that you are a part of it, and showing your respects, and engaging with normal people.

      If they come they come. If they don’t they don’t. It won’t be because of you.

      If you go end they go too, like I advised Eve when she was worried about attending a family event, go prepared for all possible outcomes, go with a clear idea of how you want to deal with it, how you wish to be perceived. Write it on a piece of paper, and keep looking at it in the day, as a prompt, especially when or if you feel your peace is beginning to be threatened.

      For example:

      I am emotionally strong.

      Emotions are my enemy- in this specific situation.

      I will be peaceful, calm, and I will use the day to pay my respects and help others where needed.

      I will act Grey Rock to my ex, if he appears. I will ignore his stupid games.

      I will go out for air or private time, if it gets too much for me, and I won’t stay too long.

      I will focus all the more on other people there and helping them and listening to their stories, to help me get through the day and overcome my anxieties, especially if he is there.

      One of my parents ( divorced) played a similar game years back – turning up unannounced at the other parent’s father’s funeral, and mingling shamelessly with guests, after being absent for years.

      The bereaved parent got visibly upset, but because the other parent was acting so charming to everyone, a number of people ( not all ) were fooled by them, and thought he upset patent was being dramatic and over-emotional!

      Beat him at his own game, if he turns up, by being the calm graceful swan on the outside- even if you’re not so calm underneath!

      Xxxx

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