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Back on the forum over a year on since last time. After support on here and from WA we separated, I asked him to move out. He was very reasonable, which really surprised me.
It wasn’t really a proper separation as he was coming over regularly for meals and seeing the kids together, often ended up staying in the spare room. He was really nice, like a totally different person, really amazingly different.
I didn’t trust it at first, (detail removed by Moderator) months later he moved back in and stopped renting the other place shortly after as it was just empty and draining money.
Anyway fast forward a year, he’s not as aggressive as before but very moody. The way this comes out is in being really distant, unaffectionate and sleeping in the spare room. This could be over any minor issue, I never know what will set it off but it lasts for weeks or months at a time.
Is this just the same thing, different tactics? If we talk about it he always brings up that he’s hurt I asked him to separate and needs time to get over it. He seems to blame me for the whole issue. But he’s not being abusive exactly, just cold and distant. Is he genuinely hurt? Or using it as a reason?
With lockdown it’s an impossible situation as there’s nowhere I could go, can’t even go to my mum’s for a weekend to get away. I could just about afford to move out & rent somewhere but don’t see why me & the kids should leave our house? He can’t go anywhere. He works at home and his office is all set up here. Also, I don’t have anyone else who could drop off and pick up the children from school. All the wraparound care has closed of course.
Feel like I’m going mad stuck in the house with his moods literally all the time with no break except when I go to work, which has it’s own stresses (I’m a key worker).
For some reason it feels worse now I’ve seen how nice he CAN be if it suits him! So confused how he can be 2 completely different people. I just can’t take the moods any longer. Thought about trying to speak to a counsellor but it’s basically impossible because he’s always at home!
Sorry this is so long, has anyone got any advice at all? -
He’s still exactly the same abusive man he was when he left the first time. He’s punishing you for that, hes actually admitted that to you. He abused you so badly you asked him to leave, yet here he is blaming you and punishing you for his behaviour. He waited until his feet are under the table, until you need him for child care etc, that’s how calculated these men are. This is abuse and it’s going to get worse. They are Jeckyl and Hyde. When it suited him to be nice, to hook you back in, that’s when he wore his mask. Now he’s where he wants to be you get to see the real person he is. I’d start looking at taking those hooks out one by one. Look at alternative child care. No amount of talking is going to change him. Google the cycle of abuse. For me the honeymoon phase got shorter and shorter until he simply stopped making an effort to apologise or be nice. He was quite happy sucking the emotional like from me. My ex moved out too for several months and became Mr Wonderful again. But it didn’t take long after he moved back home to revert to type. My advice is to work on getting him out again for good this time.
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Hi KIP, Thankyou for your words of support. I fear you are right. I like the idea of removing one hook at a time, that doesn’t feel so overwhelming. They are really big hooks that’s the problem – mortgage, kids, shared history. You’re right maybe I could find other childcare. Or it won’t be too long before the wraparound re opens. It’s such a trapped feeling during lock down. But in some ways good as I have no way of distracting myself from him or getting time apart. So I can’t just coast along ignoring his behaviour and living my life…forced to confront how miserable it is!
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