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Hello,
I’m struggling to find a way to explain where I’m messed up and need extra support because it’s becoming apparent very quickly in the first loving relationship I’ve been in that I’m getting a lot of things wrong or being upset or sensitive about things that wouldn’t usually occur.
Are there any useful resources or places I can get some information and support or wise wordsof experience please. -
Hello. Since youre on this website I wonder if deep down you feel that it is his behaviour that is wrong. Not yours. When I first met my abuser, he twisted reality so much that I though there was something wrong with me and I tried to change my behaviour to make him happy. But he would just move the goal posts. Abuser ‘gaslight’ us. Leaving us confused and making us try harder to please them. When in reality there is nothing st all wrong with our behaviour. You could read ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven and see if you recognise any of his behaviour. If you feel you can give us some examples that won’t identify you then perhaps we can give you a different perspective x
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Hello Blueparrot – is this the first relationship or the first relationship since an abusive one? If it is the first relationship since an abusive one then you may be suffering from trauma which can give you flash backs and make you react in ways you might not have done before.
In all honesty I think you have to find support for yourself. Learn to understand and love yourself and find healing before you embark on a relationship with someone else. Having said that even when you have done that there will still probably be flash backs etc It helps to think that these emotions will pass and to let them wash over you before reacting.
A supportive partner will not blame you or call you sensitive or say that you have “messed up”. It is easy to repeat patterns be very observant about what is happening and keep talking you are in the right place. -
Thank you for your replies, I’m sorry my post wasn’t very clear. It’s the first major relationship since my abusive marriage.
I can’t tell if it’s me who is getting things wrong or over reacting or if these are early signs of an unsuitable relationship for me.Examples are that it upset my new partner a lot when he inadvertently reminded me of my ex with the way he was standing talking sarcastically, although this wasn’t at all directed towards me. But when I looked upset he came to ask why and then became offended (and has remained so) that I ‘compared’ him to my ex. I didn’t, it’s just that I was suddenly reminded. My new partner accepts I couldn’t help it either.
We argued and argued for days over weeks about me being in touch with previous dates until I eventually had to block them completely even though I didn’t want to and I’d told them I was in a relationship, I wasn’t in regular contact with them, Not chatting or meeting up or anything but each ended amicably enough and was a brief enough time that I didn’t feel I needed to block anyone. None were serious, (Detail removed by moderator) people in total.
During these arguments I can flinch sometimes when he shifts positions whilst arguing, it’s clear it wasn’t intentional on his part and he’s never hurt me or threatened to. When I flinch it annoys him.
He says I have so many issues that he doesn’t know how to deal with them and that he wouldn’t have to put up with it from anyone else. Though he is amazing with my PTSD which is both from earlier in my life and back to my abusive marriage.
On the other side I’ve never felt more loved and cared for. He’s so wonderful, it’s moving slightly faster than I am comfortable with but otherwise I feel really happy.
He phoned helplines after last week when I asked him to leave (I asked nicely, not a relationship ending way but that I needed time and space away from it all) and there haven’t been any arguments since. He seems to be much more willing to be more gentle in his approach with me.
The main thing he’s struggling with according to him is that I don’t want to press charges against a specific incident with my ex at the moment. He says he understands why but he’s been pushing so hard for that. In the end I managed to explain that it’s the exact wrong approach for me to try to tell me what I need to do, even if it’s crystal clear to him.
He thinks I’m twisting things to ‘make out’ that he’s controlling too or that I’m trying to ‘make it fit’ the same mold as my previous relationship. I’m not sure how I overcome that and what I can tell him to explain the approach I need instead.
It’s confusing now.
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Hi BlueParrot,
Reading your post where you’ve updated the details of your new relationship just made me instinctively cautious. Just a gut reaction (of course I’m not you nor have I met your new partner). I have read / watched that we attract abusers and am now naturally wary anyway and so not ready for a relationship myself.
Having said that a few things you wrote rang alatm bells for me:
– he’s offended by your emotional flashback (I can understand an initial “I’m not your ex.” reaction but to still be offended seems off to me.)
– he made you block people (likely very jealous)
– he says he wouldn’t have to put up with your issues from anyone else yet is wonderful with your PTSD but gets annoyed when you flinch?!
– things are moving a little to fast for your cpmfort. Classic sign of an abuser – love bombing.
– he’s pushing you to press charges?! That is no-one’s decision but your own. You would need to be in the right head space to deal with that I think. Its not the easiest thing in the world from what I’ve read.
– instead of being understanding and supportive he’s accusing you of twisting things. When we’ve been abused of course we’re going to have ‘baggage’ and react to things that might look the same as the previous abuse.In my opinion it sounds from what you’ve written, like he is flip-flopping from supportive to annoyed and a bit of controlling into the mix. Listen to your gut. Our hearts and heads can get us confused. What does your gut say?
Xx iwillbeok
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I was going to say the same thing as iwillbeok – when I read your post several red flags of an abuser were there. I know it must be very painful to hear that but it’s much better to notice it early.
He honestly doesn’t sound like a healthy nor supportive partner. Getting you to block people after arguing for days about it until you gave up no doubt due to his persistence, getting irritated by you flinching even though he knows you are an abuse survivor, saying he ‘wouldn’t have to put up with it from anyone else’ and moving the relationship faster than feels comfortable are all huge red flags.
My abusive ex also could be really ‘kind and supportive’ but I started to realise he’d be like this after causing me pain, and gradually became increasingly intolerant, angry, impatient and aggressive with me after initially coming across as the most calm, loveliest man I’d ever met.
It’s often the case that we meet one abuser after the next because their behaviour seems normal and familiar to us and partly because they often look for people who have already experienced abuse or trauma or are vulnerable in some way. Also, if you previously had say a violent partner and the next one is mostly emotionally abusive it might not seem as bad but it is still all dangerous and harmful abuse. Give the helpline a call to get their opinion too, I found them invaluable when I rang and it helped with my confusion.
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P.s Also the way you wrote that you are ‘getting things wrong’ and are ‘sensitive’ sounds like it’s something he has told you. My ex also convinced me all our problems were due to ‘my issues’ and that he ‘just wanted to help me.’ It’s a way they get us to take responsibility for their actions. A healthy partner wouldn’t accuse you of being sensitive or wrong like that and blaming you for everything.
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Thank you for replying. I’m mixed up enough to be unsure whether I’m being too hard on him or whether this isn’t going to make me feel happy in the long run.
I’ve not faced this before but it’s been a significant amount of time since my marriage ended and I thought I was in a reasonably good place, positive and moving slowly but firmly away from the abusive marriage, looking towards the future. I have a new job which I’m excited with and I’m trying to reconnect with friends.
Maybe I’m just not ready?
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Hello, blueparrot,
When I read your post, I think you should read it for yourself, there is lots of doubts. And may be it is good time to step out from this relationship? Take time off, to understand yourself better. From outside it does not sound that he is totally a good partner for you, there is lots of contradictions. That you are not feeling ok with him, already the red flag. I do not think you are paranoid about abuse from the past. He rushes you into the next level of relationship, when you said you are not ready yet. He asked you to block people – and this is a red red flag – he is isolating you. When you are isolated, you have no one to turn to. You are more weak then before and there is more opportunity to do things what he wants and plan to do.
I lost many friendships during my abusive relationship, specially my first experience – he interfered into my relationships, I even stopped talking to my own mother for many months.
The second abusive, I fall into straight after the first – I was too fragile and weak, and it turned actually worse than first time.
Be safe, trust your own doubts, no one better will know your situation than you and the way it makes you feel.
And if you came to conclusion he is not the one, then have no regrets, there still will be later someone else in you life. But you need to be whole, happy.
I know that post abusive relationship – we are looking for the comfort, but it is not always a good idea to do it.
Comfort can be taken from spending time with friends, do some hobbies, think about what you would like to do, think about the dreams you have, even the little ones.
Like to have a bath with special salt or buy a new book. -
Sounds to me that he’s frustrated you cant let your guard down at times, which is understandable, but this is who you are, he certainly shouldn’t be shaming you about this, everyone one of us have issues and or flaws, Im left wondering what is his issue when he felt compared to yor ex, clearly something going on for him here, especially as it took weeks to get past; if he really wants to help and get results then perhaps it is patience he needs to practice.
Of course you will experience associations, open communication between the two of you is essential and learning about this from google or textbooks would help him recognise what is happening and how better to deal with this.
Sounds to me like you are trying to shape your support from him, great, does this open up an opportunity for you to also ask how you can better support him? A true friend may not always get where you are coming from, but they never stop trying to understand.
Maybe attend some mediatation or yoga classes together, learn together? Perhaps you could try some form of personal development too, counselling, bhuddism teachings, life coach, something that helps you to build an unshakable strong sense of self xx
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Also, I think its very natural for stuff to surface when you enter a new intimate relationship, stuff that can only be worked through when in an intimate relationship, which is why its happening now. Hope you work through it if you like him and think he’s worth the struggle for a while, as you will get past it if you are both committed to improving communication and understanding one another, but if you start to feel he’s not for you, this builds, I hope that you move on x
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I just wanted to update this. Thank you for the support and for pointing out the early warning signs.
It turned out you were correct and it got a lot worse before I got out about 6 months ago, my life has been altered forever because of him but I’m doing the right things to try to heal and recover.
I’m determined to be strong and content with myself.
I’m so grateful for the wise words you wrote here when I didn’t have the perspective to see the truth. Thank you again.
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I hope you’re okay, keep turning to everybody for support. You’re never alone❤️
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