How can I make him leave, not me?

[Blahblahblah1234]

Hello,
This is my first post. Have kids and really need to end life like this and would love to hear from anyone who was able to stay in their own house and make them leave. I’ve tried calling ‘Rights of Women’every week but I can never get through. Same with Women’s Aid. (Makes you realise how much of an epidemic this is.)

I have only had threats of violence and odd pushes / barges but (detail removed by moderator)  years of terrible emotional abuse that I now know isn’t my fault thanks to sites like this. Because it’s not violent, I don’t think I can get a restraining order and I’m not sure about wanting to risk it a) because I actually think he might then flip and kill me /himself/ both b) if it does work, it says online it’s only temporary. What happens when it ‘runs out’?

Is divorce, then, a good idea to get the court to make him move out? I’ve no idea how I’d be able to afford our mortgage on my own but I’ll do anything to keep my kids at their school and in this house. No idea how to afford divorce either but just need to know how I can somehow escape this. Property /rent so expensive so despite us having decent jobs, I don’t know how he could afford somewhere else and contribute to our mortgage.

Feels like it’s impossible to end this unless I leave with kids and leave house /life I’ve worked hard for.

Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much x

[KIP.]

Try to find your local women’s aid if you can’t get through to the helpline. Keep a journal of his abuse and tell your GP. Speak to a local family solicitor with experience of domestic abusers. Most offer initial free advice. You can also get an idea of your rights and what you’re likely to get in a split. You can ask for an occupation order which would keep him out until a divorce is finalised but you need to gather evidence. If you fear he would kill you, it won’t make a difference because he only needs to break it once. A refuge and a new start might be the better option. A house is not brick and mortar and will carry not so nice memories. My ex was arrested and removed and given bail conditions. He assaulted me and I rang the police. Try speaking to the domestic abuse police for initial advice and to record your concerns over your own safety. It’s all about leaving and gathering evidence.

[Daisydo]

Hi Blahblahblah1234
You sound as if you are in the exact same place as me!!
I have been asking him to leave for months now and he left, to give me time, once, but came back after s couple of weeks in tears, threatening suicide & I let him home, not as a couple but in fear the father of My children may do something cos of me.
I would like to go to a solicitor and start separation but am worried about when that letter comes through to tell him, that’s stopping me more than anything.
I would get a credit card just to pay for these bills, it would be worth it.
Have you tried a benefits checker on line, that will also help you know what you are entitled to!
My OH isn’t violent towards me but is verbally abusive and throws & huts things in front of our children.
He is now saying let’s go see a marriage councillor but I’m wary in case they don’t understand domestic abuse.
Keep posting on here, if anything, it makes you realise you are not alone and some great advice is given.
DD xc

[Lisa]

Hi Blah,

Welcome to the forum. I am so pleased to see that you have already had some supportive replies. I am sorry that you are struggling to get hold of the helpline. Sometimes it can be really busy but if you have a safe window you can always leave your name, number and the safe time to call you back and they will call you back. Likewise I know that Rights of Women can be hard to get hold of too but they do have a really good website – http://www.row.org.uk Contacting Citizens Advice and Shelterline might be a good option too.

It can be hard to get an abuser to leave the house, normally you might need an occupation order to ensure they leave and this can be tricky to get unless you have good evidence of domestic abuse. The National Centre for Domestic Violence can help you with this – http://www.NCDV.org.uk

Important things for you to consider are getting good evidence of your situation from any sources you feel comfortable talking to – the Police, your GP, your local Women’s Aid group and then you thinking about if you feel you would be safe staying in the house even if he were to leave. If you feel you wouldn’t feel safe perhaps you can talk to the helpline about refuge options. I know it is upsetting leaving your house if he won’t go and an occupation order isn’t accessible to you but try to remember that a house only feels like a home if it is somewhere that you can relax and feel safe in. Even if you have to downsize or move areas at least you would feel safe and happy in your four walls and that is worth everything.

Try the helpline again and let us know how you get on. We are all here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[queenmaeve]

The wheel of abuse builds up over weeks. Unfortunately, I had to suffer another blow before I filed for arrest and got him out. I stayed in the house for (detail removed by moderator) afterwards. You must press charges, get advice from a lawyer and be prepared to stand your ground. It can be done x

 

 

[Blahblahblah1234]

Thanks so much to all who replied. I’ve started to try and get evidence. For reasons I can’t explain here, its very difficult to leave my house and go to a refuge. I’ve made the mistake of saying to his face that I want a divorce and he’s lost it. I have a secret audio recording of him kicking me out of bed onto floor and pushing/grabbing me out of the bedroom (he’s not normally violent although stuff like this has happened before) and another one of him kicking the table, sofa I’m sitting on going mental and hinting at suicide (detail removed by moderator) – wish I knew if that was good enough for an injunction order. He was going so mad that I think, in fact, he probably just be sectioned. Feels scary trying to get one if there is a small risk they won’t give it and then things will be worse here. I’ll try local office again tomo. Thanks so much for the ideas x

[maddog]

It’s hell living with an abuser when the relationship is over. My ex went mad when I told him I wanted a divorce, and had me arrested! The really positive side of accepting a caution for something that didn’t happen was the beginning of my involvement with the police. I was terrified of what he might do if they spoke to him. In the end they told me they had no choice. They advised him to move out of the family home or face arrest.

There were reasons too that I couldn’t leave the family home with the children.

The National WA are pretty good at calling back. I’ve had times when I’ve managed to get through to ROW but more often I’ve spent 2 hours on redial. Citizen’s Advice are really good.

It may be worth contacting the police. You certainly shouldn’t be living in fear and dread. Victim Support is good as well.

Keep a diary which I expect you already are.

It is the most awful and frightening time and also the time when they really start to loose it. Do not be afraid to speak to the police. Ask for the Domestic Abuse unit.

[Mommabear]

Hi there,

I have been in this situation for the last (detail removed by moderator) years and he is hopefully leaving this weekend.

I would say that if you have evidence like you mentioned then you would have a good chance of getting an occupation order. The company that Lisa mentioned above will be able to help as going through a solicitor to get an occupation order is more costly.

Keep on going, believe in yourself and you have more strength that you will ever know….

xx

[KIP.]

Mine too went off the scale when I asked for a divorce. Was arrested and removed, an extreme way to get him out. Well it was more when I dint back down that sent him over the edge as always in the past I’d backed down to give him what he wants.
Play the game meantime. Even if you have to lie and say you’re reconsidering. I did it. I lied about a trial separation to get him to leave. Promising date nights and to carry on dating each other. Found him a flat etc. Think outside the box. Would he fall for that one. This was before I knew what domestic abuse was and I stupidly allowed him back when he changed into a wonderful helpful man! How ignorant I was back then. Wishing weeks of moving back home the abuse came back worse than ever x

[Blahblahblah1234]

Thanks again, so nice to hear from people in the same boat. He’s saying he won’t divorce me and that he will kill himself. It will therefore be my fault that our kids will be hurt by this. (According to him) He’s so crazy I don’t think it’s a threat, he really would do it. In all honesty, although this would be truly awful for my kids, I could deal with it as I now finally know it’s not my fault.

My local WA very keen on me reporting him to the police but I just don’t know if I can. I know they will tell the school and there are so many parents who work there. He has also told me that he will report me to the police for domestic abuse when I’ve never touched him in my life. He’s very manipulative and believable that I am worried about this. I’m wondering if I go to the police, I can tell them he’s said this before he does???

I found out that an occupational order is very hard to get. I’ve decided I won’t get much out of a non-molestation order. I think I’ll not mention divorce for a little bit to pay off some debts and save for solicitor then when that’s done, just go for it. Wish I could win the lottery!

Thank you all!

[KIP.]

My ex made the very same empty threats. They’re designed to control you and they’re working. The longer you stay, the harder it is to escape and the more damage is done to you and your children. You need to act on the advice of the professionals. I reported my ex. The police were fantastic and removed him and gave him bail conditions not to return. Please take that leap of faith.

[Hetty]

Hi ladies,
I’m new to the forum. It’s been so comforting to read your stories, to know that I’m not alone. Although I do wish none of us were in this situation.
I live with my husband in a house that he owns (mortgage in his name). It’s been the worst (detail removed by moderator) of my life. He’s not particularly physical with me but emotionally very abusive. He shouts and swears, throws things and is physically very intimidating. He’s pushed me and grabbed me. Sometimes he’ll ignore me and not speak to me. I have one son (he’s not the father) and he has kids who come to stay. We all walk in egg shells. I want out but have nowhere to go. Like others have said the thought of upheaval for my child is so distressing and we’ve had a lot of other problems with his biological dad. I feel like such a c**p mother. I’ve managed to get legal advice and apparently I can get an order on the house for about (detail removed by moderator) meaning he can’t sell without my consent. I have to try and get a deposit together to get rented. I think it’s my only option. It’s going to take me ages to get into a better financial position. I just feel all over the place. There’s always drama and then he’ll blame me or apologise which is very confusing for me. I’ve been having nightmares and trouble sleeping.

[Blahblahblah1234]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It doesn’t feel comfortable reading what you are saying but I know you are right.

I’m trying to get enough guts up to maybe just speak to police without reporting a crime. Sounds like a waste of their time but just want to know if my evidence (recordings) are evidence of crime if I want to report, what would they do and if I can pre-warn them he will make false accusations against me. My line of work, as he knows, means I can’t have such accusations made against me. My local WA tried to reassure me that there is no evidence of his lies but it still feels scary despite what everyone is saying. Honestly, thanks so much. When you are thinking and overthinking this on your own it’s easy to convince yourself of the wrong thing.

[lover of no contact]

Welcome to the Forum. I was where you are now but eventually got to not live with him. Leaving is a process. You’ve started this process. Letting GP, WA and Police when needed, coming in here is part of the action we need to start taking and eventually allows our situation to change.

From my experience be careful about paying off his debts. Keep the income you would pay off the debts for your ‘leaving fund.’ You need every penny of this money for solicitor, you, children and possible rent deposit. I spent so much money paying off my ex’s debts. When I stopped paying them he just declared himself bankrupt. My ex has ‘strategic debt’. It kept me scrimping and saving and doing without for me and our children while he spent and lived as he pleased. What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is yours was my motto due to me being married to him. What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is my own was his and every abuser’s mindset.

Giving your income to pay off debt can keep you trapped financially. It’s hard though when the shared money is going on high interest rates for the debt. But keep as much income as you can for you and your children and your future life away from him and let him deal with any debt.

Keep posting as much as u need to.

[Blahblahblah1234]

Good point. I am thinking of credit cards etc in his name which I think that needed to be sorted otherwise he can’t afford anywhere but I still need to pay for divorce (he wouldn’t) and being single. Despite me working, buying all the food etc etc he says the house is his and cars are his so you are exactly right RE mindset. Arghhh!

[Hetty]

My ex also threatens me with the police and social services if I confront him. He’s been going so mental with me and I’ve broken down and told him to stop so he’ll say I’m playing the victim and he’ll report me for manipulating him. Yesterday he said I’m just like my mother who I am estranged from. He’ll say anything to hurt me. Like you he knows that I have a professional career he could destroy with false allegations.
I’ve started to put steps into leave and yet I still feel guilty and deceitful.
I’ve never had the threats of suicide but they are clearly attempts to control. We are not responsible for their behaviours.

[KIP.]

I can reassure you my ex reported me to the police. He always said he would. It’s something they often do and the police know this. There was absolutely no evidence and it came after I reported him so very obvious it was false. It’s because of their abuse we are vulnerable to their lies and manipulation. The professionals, every step of the way, we’re very supportive to me, believed me, supported me. The system isn’t perfect yet but you’re in a good position that you can get all your ducks in a row. Get legal advice regarding your financial entitlement. I’m sitting in the family home and kept my holiday home where he always said I would be forced to sell both. Something that prevented me from leaving for ages. Liars liars liars. Do your own research and don’t believe a word he says. I reported events to the police so that had them on record but eventually made a statement and so glad I did.

[Blahblahblah1234]

Thank you

[lover of no contact]

Please think twice before giving him your hard-earned cash to pay off his credit card. Please keep your money for you and the children. I thought my ex was just terrible with money having thousands in several credit cards. I paid these off ( my children and I had to do with less) only for him to run them up again. It suited my abuser to have the debt to control me financially and probably getting cash handouts from family members when he told them he had money worries. Yet he still lived the life and had all his luxuries and had a stash of cash for this. He was cash rich but in paper looked poor and in debt. All to control.

A roof over his head is not your responsibility; you need every penny to pay for accommodation without him in it.

[Author]

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