21st January 2016 at 12:28 pm #8081
So first it took a friend drumming into me that things at home were abuse.
It was around this time that my employer started bullying me, and it took me months before I would accept that it wasn’t just me overreacting and seeing abuse everywhere. I wasn’t, he was genuinely bullying and harassing me.
So now I am totally lost when it comes to ‘friends’. As some of you are aware, I lost all my friends when things in my life got to a serious point. Only one person claimed to still be talking to me, but has been ignoring invitations, not keeping promises, refusing to accept a Christmas card and has refused to see me on my birthday, knowing she is the only person I have to ask.
Obviously there’s more, but I can’t give info that may be identifying.
Does anyone else find that after being in an abusive situation you either become too sensitive towards some people, and too lenient with others?? But how can you know for sure whether it’s a case of being sensitive and looking for abuse signs in everyone, or whether I’m letting yet another person walk all over me?
Starting to think I don’t even know what abuse is… either that, or I’m far too used to/accepting of it in my life.. :-/
21st January 2016 at 1:23 pm #8085
I think when we leave abusers, abuse is more noticeable to us, if thats how that friends is treating you,i would leave that friend alone, friendship too works on a two way, her behaviour that u have listed is not how friends treat u, i have only recently reconnected with my friends after been isolated for (detail removed by moderator)years, even when they r busy i understand if we go through a silent phase, bu they still try to make effort even if we just text to say hi, to let each another know we r busy but in our thoughts, i had one friend who i contacted and she choose to ignore me, i made one more effort to contact her, after that i accepted she wanted no contact and left her alone, we have to rebuild ourselves and always rememebr u deserve respect and to be treated in mutual way , i would leave her alone even though she is your only friend, let her reflect on her behaviour, i know this must seem hard if she is your only friend, my best friend recently said to me i only stop calling u cause u said dont call me it will get me in trouble, i was so into thinking of ways not to be abused if i had kept contact and made effort to secretly contact her maybe i would of got out quicker, maybe ask her direct why she is ignoring u and if she rather be left alone then leave he r alone, hope my advise helps you without ocnfusing u more,just wanted to give u two options how to deal with sceanrio
27th January 2016 at 2:09 pm #8450godschildParticipant
Hi Alone Iv’e lost many so called friends or more recently chosen to cut them out , People just cut you off when you need them most, ive found that I have given much help and shown kindness to some people and they just turn their backs on you when you need help, I dont get it. I am very very isolated as I have agoraphobia and am dependant on my abuser to even go out, ( I did wonder is there is anyone else with disability on here that is in my position) but People can be awful when you are in this situation , I ran to a neigbour once and she proffesed to know nothing of the abuse I suffer but showed me much kindness, I was in a pretty bad state and she offered me support, just to listen to me etc yet within about 4 weeks she pushed a note through my door saying I dont want anymore Avon , she has been a Customer for years as I have a local round and She cut me off,She walked past me a few weeks ago an totally ignored me its devastating when you are isolated and Friends do this to you.
21st January 2016 at 2:04 pm #8090
Hi, thanks for the reply.
Yes I already made the decision to stop making an effort with her a few days ago. Mid conversation actually, I realised that she is no longer the person who used to say she wouldn’t push me to open up, who would be there when I was ready. I told her for months that I needed a chat and was going to tell her everything so she could understand me better then leave it in the past. It never happened.
I think I have been way too lenient with her and allowed myself to get hurt every time I kept trying.
But then the other side of that is someone who was great to me, who always made the effort and gave me time and support, and yet I constantly backed away because I was scared of abuse. I ended up losing that person and I miss him deeply.
I kept being scared of being hurt by the person who didn’t want to hurt me, and kept letting things go, and giving another person multiple chances to hurt me. I’m devastated and wish I could do over, but I can’t, I’ve lost the person I really cared about and who cared about me too for good 🙁
21st January 2016 at 7:15 pm #8106
All i can say is life throws tests on us, give it time maybe someone else decent will come in our lives, i think i have decided tempoarily i dont want no one in my life till i know i am 100% strong
21st January 2016 at 8:32 pm #8110Twisted SisterParticipant
sorry to hear you fear having lost a good friend. Its very sad when its times like this we really need good friends around us. Many friends are great for just going out with and others on a deeper level, and even those might not understand what you are going through, but it doesn’t make any difference to the strength of loss you feel.
Take your time, as Confused says, others will come.
You sound strong Confused, and know your mind and i agree, its good to be strong ourselves so we know our own boundaries perhaps before starting new friendships, but then these things just happen don’t they and i guess its good to keep new friends at distance until we are sure they are trustworthy to share?
warmest wishes KS xx
21st January 2016 at 10:13 pm #8118
Have been let down again…the only person who agreed to spend some time with me on my birthday cancelled. This person is someone who has made a lot of offers and promises then either retracted them or disappeared, despite the fact I never agreed to any of them.
So I’m all alone for my birthday… just like I was for Christmas and New Year. I can’t stop thinking I made such a big mistake to ever attempt to leave my abusive home – I am now more miserable and alone than I ever was before! :'( I don’t like this new life!
21st January 2016 at 10:57 pm #8119Twisted SisterParticipant
Really sorry to hear you have been let down 🙁 for your birthday and that you spent the holiday times alone, but i think if you look at the forum postings there were many alone on these important dates.
Maybe you need a more reliable friend, someone who is genuinely interested in making a plan and doing it!
leaving them is the first big step isn’t it, many steps follow to recover, to try to get back a life of our own
warmest wishes xxks
22nd January 2016 at 6:37 am #8121Falling SkysParticipant
Sorry you’re having a bad time with si called friends.
I don’t spend a lot of time with friends as I can’t cope with them, though I am polite.
On your birthday why not have a me day. I indulge myself in everything I like. Spa treatment, walking a meal in a cafe what ever you enjoy xx
I think when we realise that we have been in an abusive relationship we have a lot of healing and rejudgement. Also we need to know who we are in was a young girl when you came to abuse now I’m a mature woman.
All I can say things will get better xx
22nd January 2016 at 9:33 am #8124
Happy B day if its your b day today , like falling sky said have a pamper day , even if its treating yourself to a small meal if money is tight, go for walk, buy a smelly candle and light it up, dont think u was better of with your abusers, when we feeling low we start to think like that, think of it as this is a different kind of struggle, somehow we just have to find a way out, i find writing all my options down on paper help, set a goal even if small, i started of with go for walk daily for five min
22nd January 2016 at 12:46 pm #8138
Thank you for the replies. I can’t stop crying today! Just like Christmas day, when I spent the whole day working on a suicide note 🙁 I’m trying to keep myself distracted, I also tried to delete my old text conversations with the friend who cared about me that I lost because of being an idiot, but there are so many messages that my phone crashed and didn’t delete them. I’m considering reopening my fb page today and deleting him.
I did consider doing something on my own, I had even gone out and bought new rechargeable batteries for my camera for the original plans, so thought perhaps I could go somewhere to take photos. But I can’t really afford to spend money, I haven’t managed to get any overtime this month which means a two figure a week income, so going to be a struggle to eat next month. Looks like a day of sitting indoors feeling sorry for myself!
I haven’t managed to get away from abusers, I’ve just managed to get my own room in the same place, but am working very hard to build savings and get a better job to get out. It just all feels so pointless now. I really wish I hadn’t bothered, sorry I can’t be more positive, really struggling today!!
22nd January 2016 at 1:56 pm #8139
sending u massive hug , all i can do is offer an ear for support for u to let it out, set yourself small targets, dont worry if u havent got away yet, youve done first step and got your own room even if in same house, continue to get support, how about writing a diary about how u feel, read positive posts on google , just type up positive thoughts,sometimes reading them makes us feel strong, its horrible when u have to be tight on food, google up meals on budget, one of my budget meals is boil veg and add packet of water chicken soup and put in oven for 20 min , sounds horrible is what i thought when i found on net but is warm and actually filling ,lol i only used frozen brocolli and frozen carrots, every time i have obstucle i remember how ex and his brother wish millions of bad luck on me and how they wished i would fall on my knees and starve and come bk on my knees begging them for food for myself and kids, call it pride i miniumised my food and put food in my kids mouth , cried for there bad wishes and curses and continued finding ways to hang on, my biggest strength is my faith , dont worry if u cant develop photos i just take selfies and save on my phone, i dont care if no one wants to take photos with me or call me sad i take photos of myself for me, i do small things like paint my nails and apply make up just to feel good, i read books to pass time, i listen to music so loud to block all my thoughts out, dont write a note think how u feeling sucidal , read books on abuse and make yourself stronger , write about how u feel ,lets support each another and not let these abusers break us, if they dont care about us , dont care either, u r important and never forget that. take a deep breath everyday, foucs on there is light at end of tunnel, if u want to cry, cry its good to cry, if u need to chat to me direct text me your no i will call u bk, u just have to message me privateley, sorry i still dont know how to do that even though be guided, being alone is sad, was isolated for (detail removed by moderator) years so i know that feeling very well , stay strong hun
22nd January 2016 at 3:44 pm #8146SilkyHalideParticipant
I cried all day on my birthday all my pamper plans went out the window, and I took a step back unfortunately taken in by my ex’s offer to help and to be more amicable which was then turned into a conditional offer (of course should have seen that coming – well did really but gave him benefit of doubt at a weak point)
It was a complete disaster but the next day I found the strength to get back on track and had some me time the following weekend instead. Don’t be hard on yourself and don’t let what is always going to be a bad day for anyone in our position, make you think you are on the wrong path.
27th January 2016 at 4:47 pm #8469AyannaParticipant
Hi, I also lost all my friends. One friend pretended to support me and when I was suicidal she actually encouraged me to kill myself. I have to thank the Samaritans that I did not do it. Then there is another friend who pretended to be a very close friend, but she never bothered to visit me. She promised to visit me a few weeks ago and then cancelled. I do not bother with them. When they text I give them sarcastic replies. They are on facebook with me. They will see my holiday pictures but I will never allow them to see me again in person. They can watch me now how I have a good life and they can sit in their holes being jealous. I lost the trust in human beings and do not feel like making new friends. I do everything by myself. For my next birthday I will book myself into the hotel Shangri La all by myself, with champaign, to celebrate that I have done better than the a******s who pretended to be my friends.
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