How can you tell if a new person has those tendencies?

[Healthyarchive]

Hello, I am going on a date and would really love to know how i suss someone out to stop the red flags. I’m trying really hard to do this so that I can finish something before it starts. The person that I am meeting has told me that he has lived locally for one year after a nasty divorce and is comfortably off. Red flag no. 1, nasty divorce. Or maybe i’m being cynical. Renting a room, red flag no. 2. I would have thought he would be more settled than just renting a room. He is in (detail removed by Moderator). I feel really suspicious and so want to get it right. I have agreed to meet him for a coffee.

[Falling Skys]

Hi HA

Your questioning things already which is good. When you meet body language, the way he talks are all indication. If he starts moaning about his ex on a first date not good.

You are braver than me not gone out with anyone yet.

Also enjoy it keep it light and have fun.

FS xx

[Serenity]

Hi Healthy Archive,

I attended a Pattern Changing/ Freedom course which I hope will equip me for the future. They went into great depth about picking up on red flags.

Obviously, you need to be prepared more quickly for your date.

From what have learned, I would say to look our for the following:

-His being overly-giving too early on. Yes, some people are naturally giving, but perpetrators can try to hook you by offering you too much too early on.

-Talking about their ex in derogatory terms. He might have been through a messy divorce, and she may even have been the one to treat him badly, but he can state this without using aggressive or vile language about her. The level of someone’s language says something about their interior world ( anger issues etc). Someone’s language is a window to their soul!

– His trying to fish for details about your life, and his being keen to ask you personal questions, whilst telling you little about himself. Perpetrators try to find out what your vulnerabilities are early on. Don’t share your vulnerabilities with him until you get to know him properly. Don’t share your financial status either.

-Beware him saying things to extract pity from you. Perpetrators often portray the,selves as victims very early on to gain power, by making us feel sorry for them. Some of the things they say might not even be true. ( Abusers notoriously use pity to hook you, then later on use guilt and fear to get you to stay. )

-Not giving you much choice. Does he choose the venue, time, drinks, etc? Does he take too much control during the date? Does he listen and offer you choices, as an equal?

Good luck. Xx

[SaharaD]

Hi Healthy Archive

My red flags are

– that you haven’t been long out of the abusive relationship

– you don’t seemed to have done real therapeutic /support work to understand what happened in the abuse and why it happened.

– you already looking for a relationship without understanding the dynamics of the previous one.

– you are already obessing over the date.

– you seem to be putting a lot of effort and expectation on this date but it’s just coffee.

I am a serial dater after being no contact for about (detail removed by moderator) months. I have had a years specialised DV/da counselling, done the Freedom Program and have been going to a women’s support group for over a year.

I date several men so I can compare and contrast their behaviour. I’m also not looking for a relationship or for a man to be the solution to the trauma of the abusive relationship.

You don’t need another man to recover from an abusive man.

Personally, I wouldn’t date an police officer, NHS worker or government worker, they’ve got too much access to go snooping over people’s personal details.

[Serenity]

I have had two run-ins with males recently. One was a supposed friend, one I barely knew and was helping him with something as a favour for my mum.

Both of them took it upon themselves to think they could grab me for a cuddle when it was inappropriate to do so- both of them had their hands wandering on my waist, like they owned me. Do many men know the meaning of innocent am cuddles?

I am only going to go near men who are gentle, highly principled and a real gentle souls. They do exist. I have a male acquaintance / friend who is a gentle soul. They are hard to find, but they are out there.

It’s easy to drift back into the arms of another abuser, because maybe deep down some of us have been conditioned to think that is our life script, or that’s all we deserve. But since going through what I did, severe PTSD etc, I know it is bad and highly dangerous to go anywhere near anyone even slightly like that ever again. Abuse can kill.

[Ayanna]

You should do the Freedom Programme before you let another man into your life.
Also, someone, who has nothing to offer at a certain age should be a red flag. He might just want to land somewhere to improve his own lifestyle.

[lover of no contact]

Hi Healthyarchive,

I know you’re on your date tonight. If you feel like it let us know how it went.

A book you may like to read is ‘Jerk Radar’. by Stephen Mc Crea. He has contributed a lot on a Forum like this and I found him a brilliant help. His book is great and tells us all the red flags to look for when dating someone new.

[Ayanna]

Whoa, be careful! Do not tell him that you post here.
He told you about the ex. But what did he really tell you about himself?

[SaharaD]

oh dear…… none of the men I date know that I was abused. of course he is still keen.

he’s seeing a vulnerable woman who he can easily control! (detail removed by Moderator)

Abusers work in (detail removed by Moderator)

My dates don’t even know where I work or live. I also have a different phone and email address for them.

please please be careful and have some protective boundaries.

[Serenity]

Well, it does send alarm bells ringing that he was so inquisitive and open on a first date.

If we gave him the benefit of the doubt and said that he had been the injured party in his marriage, then the best we could say is that he is obviously still in turmoil and not over the experience, that the ex wife and what she did looms large in his head.

But say that he is a perpetrator: he ticks the boxes of getting too intense and giving too much ( information in his case ) too soon. And revealing intimate details of his life to a virtual stranger – in both of these things you can ask, where are the boundaries in his mind between you and him? Does he see you as a separate person to treat with respect, to not pry into sensitive and personal subjects but to wait for you to offer information when you get to know eachother better, or does he see it as his right to ask you any question he likes? A bit presumptuous for someone who barely knows you. I worry because abusers don’t recognise others’ limits or boundaries or right to privacy.

Also, as it was a first date, where was the focus on you, on making you feel special? Would a first date normally want to listen to how an ex took so done to the cleaners? And about ‘taking him to the cleaners’- did he mention anything about financial responsibility towards his child, or was he just seeing himself as the only victim of the piece?

As I wasn’t there, in any say if I am right or wrong in this. It could just be that he is still in a bad place over his divorce, but then he isn’t ready for a relationship, because his dates are monopolised by it. You just become a counsellor/ listening ear/ sympathiser. Where is the making you feel happy and special? Beware that he isn’t just looking for someone to hear his story, or someone to lean on.

I am concerned that a person of his professional standing doesn’t behave in a more measured and sensitive way and is so full on. Maybe he is in a bad place emotionally and wants to be listened to by someone, but equally, if he is a perpetrator, gaining information about the other person early on and portraying oneself as a victim can be used as ways of hooking someone in.

In short, he could be a perpetrator or he could just be in a bad place and be quite needy, so that he doesn’t recognise the need for respectful boundaries. Either way, I would say there are red flags.

[White Rose]

I’ve just read your summary of your inquisition/date. Given you didn’t feel comfortable about the date, it doesn’t matter what his history is – perpetrator or victim – you’re the only one who matters. Don’t forget it.
I think you made absolutely the right choice. Take care xx

[Author]

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