How common is it to question whether it’s abuse?

[Fallingleaves]

I’m so aware lately that I’m constantly minimising my experiences with my ex (co-parenting) and wanted to ask how common this is for others?
We were together for such a long time, some of it was fine, there wasn’t really violence (although I witnessed violent outbursts towards others) he did grab and push me a few times in the very early days but that stopped. I was always scared of him though, he was emotionally cold and I used to feel like I was constantly trying to get him to like me. He’d also used things I’d tell him in confidence to throw back at me and hurt me. I ended up using alcohol as my comfort most evenings (3 years sober now)
I didn’t do things I wanted to if I didn’t think he’d approve, and feel like I lost myself, although there were periods of time that I’d go out and drink and even cheat on him sometimes as I was so desperate to feel wanted and appreciated. I was totally in a spiral of shame. But sometimes he makes me feel like it was all my fault.
I left him in the end, he’s threatened me a number of times since then with violence and even threatened to kill me if I moved on and introduced our children to my new partner. I feel like that’s definitely abusive, and is one of the reasons I was so scared to leave him, as I knew he’d be like this. But on some level I feel like it’s my fault, he tells me this is a “normal” reaction for someone who’s partner has left them and wants to be with someone else.
It’s just hard, I feel like I’m only now realising that he’s abusive, even though I’ve always known it in my gut. But I still worry about how he’s feeling all of the time and I’m so sick of it. He’s still got so much control over my feelings and it’s been over (detail removed by Moderator) years.
I’m also aware through therapy that a lot of my own emotional problems started in childhood, which makes it easy to see why I ended up with him, but also makes me feel like it’s my fault and not his. I’m constantly making excuses for him in my head when I know that I should be allowed to be happy and move on and live my life without constantly worrying and feeling bad about my self. I’m just realising how strong the hold they continue to have over us is, and it’s so hard to explain to other people. I feel like it colours my every move and every decision in life, STILL! Do others feel like this? Sorry for such a long rant, it just all seems to be coming to the surface for me lately…

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Fallingleaves

Its very common to feel it was your fault.

For one, they tell you its you.

for another, they minimise anything they do thats abusive,

and, gaslight you making you doubt your own mind,

are manipulative,

I mean I could go on and on and on, and I’m sure any of the women you asked here could tell you the same, that no man took responsibility for the fear he entrenched in his partner, yet knew full well that he had done that, and had control as a result because you were scared to ‘do wrong’.

The hangover from that treatment is long. Shaking off the burden of continual blame is hard, arguing with yourself in your own mind about what you know to be true and then doubting it. Its awful.

The nature of abuse means that you will question whether it was him or you, because despite him abusing you, you always copped the blame for it. Was he scared of you? I think not.

Its so predictable that they will find the soft spots in us and use them to abuse us.

its very common to question and doubt yourself about this.

warmest wishes

ts

[teaandbiscuit24]

I feel the same – even down to the childhood. I can look at that book ‘why does he do that’ and see that he could be abusive, including post break up behaviour. My gut has always told me he has potential to be seriously dangerous but my brain tells me I have absolutely no reason to think that and am over-reacting/ being anxious.

My counsellor tells me my childhood was traumatic too. The trouble I don’t feel like they are- the relationship wasn’t physically violent. There was anger directed at objects etc. I was scared at times, looking back I can see how silent treatment/ intimidation resulted in him getting his own way etc. Name calling and disrespectful behaviour passed off as teasing. But he would never recognise the impact of any of this. An apology after calling me a stupid b***h then all would be forgotten …

He took the victim stance and bigged up mental health issues. Which I believe are genuine. Nobody else would call it abuse based on 1 or 2 incidents, and I question if there is a pattern. I think it’s the fact there is no objective observer and if you don’t trust your own judgement (I don’t) then accepting it is abuse is hard.

[nbumblebee]

Yup. I fight this every single second of every day. I forget things pop them away somewhere so i dont have to face them. I think i ober react I think i make things sound worse than they are I beleive its me being an attention seeker but my counsellor tells me no. I minimise it i pretend its all ok because thats how i cope how i get up and face the day.
I too havent had the best childhood and yes maybe it does make a difference I was never believed as a child i think maybe thats why i will never speak out as an adult. Keep talking keep learning keep underdtanding sweetie. Xxxx

[Fallingleaves]

So useful to hear your input and replies, thank you.
Glad to know it’s not just me, just like you’ve all said, I feel like I’m in a constant argument with myself about accepting what’s happened/happening and holding him to account.
The hangover is definitely long!
When I think of things from an outsider point of view it’s clear that it’s all abuse. Its like my brain is always on the look out for a get out clause though, like when I read about abuse I’ll latch on to one thing and go “well he didn’t do that, so maybe I didn’t have it so bad, and I’m wrong” Sometimes I feel really resolute, especially after I’ve spoken to my therapist, or posted on here, but I find it so so easy to be thrown off track and not stick to my guns.
After a period of threats and abuse he’s in what I call a quiet period, ignoring that it happened, no apology, just gone quiet. It’s having to communicate about the children that really pulls me back all the time.
Also I’ve noticed more and more that just the wider idea in society of what abuse is can be quite hard to battle. My social circle and some family and his family growing up and during my relationship was very what I’d call tough I guess, I come from a working class area with a bit of an underworldy aspect, and in that world violence and aggressive behaviour are pretty “normal” to everyone involved. This is also why I find it hard to label it as abuse and report anything to the police as that’s just not the world I’m from. Though the further I remove myself the more I can see that this isn’t “normal” just that it’s what I’ve been used to.
Sorry, digressing again!
I guess my observation and what I’m realising is it the nature of abusive relationships and the reason they’re so difficult to get clarity and successfully move on from is that it can be both very textbook but also so many factors like our upbringing, their upbringing, societies messages etc etc make it all so confusing and difficult to disentangle.
I’m trying my best to keep minimal contact with my ex, text childcare arrangements only, and then put him out of my mind, but I’m so aware that he still affects everything I think about, it’s so tiring! But feel like being aware is the first step to changing that without beating myself up about it.
It’s so useful to hear everyone else’s stories and perspectives, thank you again.

[nbumblebee]

You have an amazing attitude and it sounds like you understand more than you gove yourself credit for.
I do just what you I avoid reading up on abuse its too scarey but if I ever do i will pivk out the one point he isnt and focus on that instead of the 15 points he is.
The word abuse is something i hate and struggle with to me my marriage isnt a happy one and my husband can ne rather nasty but abusive I cant accept I am learning I am trying but it just wont stick in my head. Its hard isnt it but I think you are doing a great job of picking your way through this just believe in yourself more trust yourself you know what you went theough you know how he made you feel you know why you left. Trust that trust yourself.
Take care xxxx

[teaandbiscuit24]

Yeah I would describe the relationship as having been unhealthy/ he didn’t behave well/ big mental health issues but definitely can’t define it as abusive myself. I doubt myself every week when I see him(have to for contact). And yes definitely an attitude of abuse is physical violence in my background too.

[Camel]

If he scared you, hurt you, controlled you, belittled you – he abused you. Think of it in terms of his behaviour and not yours. Your childhood may have left you vulnerable to an abuser but this doesn’t make you responsible or at fault.

It’s worrying that you’ve minimised his threats to kill you. It’s never a normal reaction to an ex moving on with someone new. If you have it in a text or email you should really make a report to the police. You don’t have to live your life forever worrying when the next threat will come. Ideally you should have no contact with him at all. Can you look into a using a third party for childcare arrangements?

[pookie1]

I feel exactly the same and I’m out of the relationship now. I think a lot of it comes down to ‘traumatic bonding’ – we’ve been conditioned into thinking a certain way and accommodating and excusing behaviour for such a long time. What makes it abusive is the pattern or cycle of these toxic behaviours/actions/incidents. I had a wake up call which resulted in the end of my relationship but the red flags were always there, I was just gaslighted into believing his version. I think it’s going to take a long to come to terms with it all. You’re not alone in feeling like this and it helps me also talking about it so thank you. We can all support each other and remind each other that being treated with respect and kindness should be an absolute core within any healthy relationship. I confused selfishness with self-worth for too long – try to appease and please when I just need to be clear on my boundaries. I hope you find peace x*x

[Stormie]

I am new here and these posts are so helpful.

I have lived this life for (detail removed by moderator) years now, and only recently did k accept that it is abusive.

On reflection, the fact that if I told people (in the early days) what he did, they would say I must be mad staying with him and he didn’t deserve me, I stopped telling anyone, then actively covering it up.

In addition to this, the fact that he would treat me like a queen in front of people, then as soon as we were alone (90% of the time) he would become, sulky, moody, angry and basically irritated by my presence that I should have twigged.

Maybe I didn’t want to because the ‘good times’ were so good (although I think now that they just weren’t so bad)

Abuse is when they hurt you, mock you, belittle you, load up your anxiety, poke at weakness, exploit your good nature and never do anything selfless for you.

He is, was, is the only person in the whole world who is mean to me…. That’s abuse.

I want you all to know I support you wholeheartedly
X*x 🧡

[Author]

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