How did I not recognise it was abuse

[Weemebreeze]

Hi all, I’ve been spending the last few months since leaving going over and over the relationship in my head and it shocks me that I didn’t recognise his behaviour as abusive. I specifically remember in lockdown watching the news and it reported that domestic violence was likely to increase and I remember saying to him “those poor women, that must be horrendous”. Meanwhile I was there trapped in a flat with him – he kicked a hot (detail removed by Moderator) at me, kicked stuff, punched the wall, silent treatment regularly, shouting aggressively etc to point I would be rocking back and forth biting my hand, crying and shaking, driving like a maniac, preventing me from sleeping etc. How did it not register with me that it was abuse? I only left because he was really violent – since then I’ve been going over everything and reading loads and it’s so clear that it was abuse. It just worries me that I didn’t see it over the years and that I thought his behaviour was acceptable. Not sure why I’m posting – still just struggling to get my head round things. The whole relationship from start to now it’s just so so so confusing x

[Shocknawe]

Hi Weemebreeze, I completely relate. I am the same. From what I have read, the abuse percolates and its such a gradual process mixed with good things that our brain cannot process in the normal way because the signals are confusing. He would shout at me and call me names and almost immediately we would blame me for it – it was such a crazy process and talk that my brain couldn’t get it. It’s like seeing people walking on the ceiling. The important thing is that you don’t blame yourself for not figuring it out before- you do now. Look ahead. Good luck x

[iliketea]

Same, and Ive been out a while, but only today I was listening back to some recordings and videos I made of him when he was kicking off and I felt sick looking at the hatred in his face, and in his voice. I didn’t know then it was abuse, I made them because I was experiencing the FOG of abuse and just couldn’t remember incidents after a while, or what happened, so started thinking did I really do that and deserve what he did and said, so I recorded to check, and then realised how terrible the abuse was, but when I listened to today, I think even until now I didn’t realise the true extent and the venom and the hatred, its freaked me out a bit, well a lot. Felt c**p all day. Sending you strength, im told it will pass, and it does lessen, like grief, it sort of changes, and the panic and the realisation ebbs and flows more, more good days than bad days. xx

[Bee1]

I’m sending healing hugs out to us all….
Very much relate to you here. I too am out for quite some time now, I realise the effects of the years of endurance have left me with a degree of PTSD, anxiety and depression. I survived a cancer operation through it all, with absolutely no help, just insults from him. Mid lockdown I simply had to end it. Heartbroken. I’ve since been dropped like a stone and cut off from every aspect. I realise this is typical NARC behaviour, as he is no doubt on to his next supply. I am angry that he’s off scott-Free and I’m left with such isolation and hurt.
And now disabled.
But… rather this than a lifetime of what I left.
My counsellor advised to write a letter to him, not to send or for anyone else to read. But to write a really ‘let loose’ letter and get aallll your feelings out, without censorship. I do think it helps to release.
I know all too well the confusion of after we’ve gone. I felt in shock at what I had left.. it took/takes some time, which can’t be rushed.

My counselling helped while it lasted, but I am in here as I have no one else around to me to speak out to. It is good for us to be able to freely express, which I hope you’ll keep doing.

I try to remember H.O.P.E.
Hold On, Pain Ends. 🙏🏼💓

[nbumblebee]

I come on here read your stories and my heart breaks for you all. I then come back to my own life and put up with a selfish nasty mean husband. Im still here have been for decades most likely will be forever many many people tell me its abuse financial sexual emotional gas lighting and so much more but I wont allow myself to see it.
You are certainly not alone. But do you know what, you left sweetie you found the courage and strength to leave. Now time to heal maybe counselling will help you see things more clearly help you heal and leaen to love and trust yourself again. Lots luck and hugs x*x

[Camel]

Hi Weemebreeze

Don’t be hard on yourself. I think you should be proud of yourself that you’re asking the right question – why didn’t you see it for what it was? There’s always the worry that we won’t recognise abuse the next time around. We need to ask ourselves why we believed we were worth so little.

Keep concentrating on you. x

[Author]

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